(no subject)
I believe I am hopeless. I believe I am a lost cause. I believe nothing can save me from myself. I believe only His sacrifice saves me from hell after death, but that I'm in many ways there already. I believe I am powerless to change others when I can't change myself. I believe I have no one close enough to help me out of this pit. I believe I can't let anyone get close enough because I don't even know who I am to get close to.
I almost believe I am not. That who I truly am no longer exists, buried under years of attempted redefinitions and reviews and redefinitions. I almost believe that there is no purpose left to my existence, except to reduce the pain that my death would cause to others.
I believe that I have tried to cry out, lost and empty, for Him to find me and fill me up, and that it has never truly worked.
I believe that I have never fully committed to anything except indecision.
And I believe I may never be able to invest and love "her" as is necessary for the relationship of my dreams.
I almost believe I am not. That who I truly am no longer exists, buried under years of attempted redefinitions and reviews and redefinitions. I almost believe that there is no purpose left to my existence, except to reduce the pain that my death would cause to others.
I believe that I have tried to cry out, lost and empty, for Him to find me and fill me up, and that it has never truly worked.
I believe that I have never fully committed to anything except indecision.
And I believe I may never be able to invest and love "her" as is necessary for the relationship of my dreams.