(no subject)
Sometimes I wish I could break up with everyone I'm interested in before I start dating them. It's fascinating how much more clearly I see people when I'm not longer trying to be the best boyfriend/Dom/what-the-fuck-ever I can be. When I'm not trying to impress them, spoil them...keep them. When I'm being myself.
Then again, maybe that's precisely what makes love/romance/dating/etc so powerful and moving; I can break free from this slimeball jackass that I am and be GOOD to someone without feeling guilty. Cuz every time I try to be good to someone I'm not dating, I get too attached or screw it up somehow, and just end up making things worse.
All this...and I'm supposed to be some kind of leader?
I preached a bit to myself last night. I said...if I can remember...screw it, I'll paraphrase. Parapreach?
Jesus paid the price for us so that we could all be included. The freedom He gave us is the freedom to live our lives no matter what we have done, no matter what we will do...to give Him our all, and have no fear or frustration or disappointment in ourselves over our failures. Where is that freedom? Where is the freedom from judgement, from failure, from opinion...why don't we live with that freedom? Why don't we live the lives to which we are now entitled--lives where we no longer need to do everything right in order to do His work or be His children?
It's glorious hype, it really is. And it's strange that it should come from the mouth of someone who has decided, for another day, not to pursue his "calling" out of a combination of self-hatred and fear. Fear of rejection from the people he is trying to support, and self-hatred for being a complete and total hypocrite to someone who was once very dear to him, yet again, for the millionth god damn time.
I hate myself more than I usually care to express, and just because I don't vent it or express it or even accept it anymore doesn't mean it isn't still there. I've fought hard over the past couple years to take the edge off, and I've succeeded in dulling the pain and then redirecting it to other people. I lecture my friends about self-worth because I can relate too well to the fact that they have little...because *I* have little value in MYself. And when they don't stop their self-destructive behavior and turn their lives around I get angry and end up almost yelling at them, all in the name of helping them.
I am powerless to protect the people I care about, which to some degree is everyone on the planet. I am powerless to defend those who are vulnerable, to heal those who are broken, and to strengthen those who are weak. And it is that powerlessness more than anything else that sparks the inferno that usually just burns my friends instead of warming them. I mean to help, but if this is what results, maybe I should just give up. At least then I'd stop hurting people. At least then I'd stop making an ass of myself and making a mockery of Him.
...maybe then He could actually step forward and do something through someone that actually gives a shit. Or enough of one to live for Him rather than for Himself. Work through someone who is strong enough to support, wise enough to heal, caring enough to love with tenderness and mercy rather than strictness and abuse.
I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself.
Then again, maybe that's precisely what makes love/romance/dating/etc so powerful and moving; I can break free from this slimeball jackass that I am and be GOOD to someone without feeling guilty. Cuz every time I try to be good to someone I'm not dating, I get too attached or screw it up somehow, and just end up making things worse.
All this...and I'm supposed to be some kind of leader?
I preached a bit to myself last night. I said...if I can remember...screw it, I'll paraphrase. Parapreach?
Jesus paid the price for us so that we could all be included. The freedom He gave us is the freedom to live our lives no matter what we have done, no matter what we will do...to give Him our all, and have no fear or frustration or disappointment in ourselves over our failures. Where is that freedom? Where is the freedom from judgement, from failure, from opinion...why don't we live with that freedom? Why don't we live the lives to which we are now entitled--lives where we no longer need to do everything right in order to do His work or be His children?
It's glorious hype, it really is. And it's strange that it should come from the mouth of someone who has decided, for another day, not to pursue his "calling" out of a combination of self-hatred and fear. Fear of rejection from the people he is trying to support, and self-hatred for being a complete and total hypocrite to someone who was once very dear to him, yet again, for the millionth god damn time.
I hate myself more than I usually care to express, and just because I don't vent it or express it or even accept it anymore doesn't mean it isn't still there. I've fought hard over the past couple years to take the edge off, and I've succeeded in dulling the pain and then redirecting it to other people. I lecture my friends about self-worth because I can relate too well to the fact that they have little...because *I* have little value in MYself. And when they don't stop their self-destructive behavior and turn their lives around I get angry and end up almost yelling at them, all in the name of helping them.
I am powerless to protect the people I care about, which to some degree is everyone on the planet. I am powerless to defend those who are vulnerable, to heal those who are broken, and to strengthen those who are weak. And it is that powerlessness more than anything else that sparks the inferno that usually just burns my friends instead of warming them. I mean to help, but if this is what results, maybe I should just give up. At least then I'd stop hurting people. At least then I'd stop making an ass of myself and making a mockery of Him.
...maybe then He could actually step forward and do something through someone that actually gives a shit. Or enough of one to live for Him rather than for Himself. Work through someone who is strong enough to support, wise enough to heal, caring enough to love with tenderness and mercy rather than strictness and abuse.
I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself.