It's started
So, whenever I let work take over my life, I always begin to get very depressed after a while. I find that my motivation to be responsible drops like a rock, and I don't feel like doing anything good for myself. I spend time I don't have doing things that aren't really restful (but are enjoyable), depriving myself of sleep I need fairly badly, and end up being just a grumpy sourpuss because I feel like I have no choice but to keep chaining myself to my schedule and giving up the things I actually want to do.
Ready for the fun part? Cuz here's the fun part. One side effect of this whole cycle is that I often can't actually DO the things I want to do, or I don't enjoy them anymore, because I'm so tired from stretching myself trying to do them.
Take today for example. There's a Dag practice in...6 hours or so. I haven't slept more than eight hours since I got off work thursday morning. I'm still up because I can't seem to tear myself away from my computer, from Starcraft, from being awake and doing stuff...even if it's nothing productive whatsoever.
I just feel like when my week starts back up, it'll be work sleep work sleep work sleep work sleep work sleep like always. That I won't have a chance during the week to play at all. To have fun. To relax. And I'm so stressed about my schedule that the relaxation I try to squeeze in makes me feel guilty and beat myself up because I should be sleeping right now so I can get through work tonight so I can come home and sleep and then wake up and go back to work again and...
I don't know if it's my schedule, my depression, or my age, but it seems like I never get enough sleep to feel rested. ...well, maybe once a week, when I crash around 8 or 9 and don't wake up until that evening when it's time to go to work. Literally, work sleep work. I HATE those days, but they are the only way I have to feel like I actually rested during my sleep. I hate them because they leave me with no time to play games, catch/keep up on Kingdom of Loathing, or (and here's the really buggy one) pursue any of my dreams or ambitions.
I haven't done anything more on the swords I prepped since I cut the flats, the day I decided the length of each and cut the cores. I have four cores and eight flats. The damn things aren't even dap'ed on. I just feel no motivation because it seems like any time I spend on that could be better spent doing something fun. So I hunt for that something and end up finding things that are fun enough to qualify, but not to satisfy.
I hate being insatiable. Insatiable sex drive, insatiable sadism, insatiable desire for fun, insatiable desire for companionship, for control, for a future, for purpose, for meaning, for fighting, for...for chocolate even. I'm lucky my metabolism is so insane; I'd be one fat son of a gun by now if all my junk food intake caught up with me.
I had planned, originally, to have at least one sword done and ready for practice today. I haven't cut the blades or anything.
How the hell do I escape this without sacrificing my paychecks and the hope I have for getting out of debt before I'm 30? Do I just do as Carole did, and resign myself to a period where I won't actually enjoy my life, but I'll get things in line to do so later? How well is THAT working out for her?
I don't want to become a workaholic. And I'm pretty sure there's no danger of that, since I'm angsty about the fact that I work so much. But I worry that if I don't do SOMETHING, I'll start viewing excessive hours at work and a job that devours my life as a natural part of things.
So here I am. I'm starting to sabotage myself because I am trying so hard to fit my life into my life. Or at least some semblance. I'm wearing myself out because I'm getting worn out.
It isn't a break from work I need. It isn't a vacation. It's a job where I can live AND work AND sleep.
...and, preferably, make enough to make progress.
Ready for the fun part? Cuz here's the fun part. One side effect of this whole cycle is that I often can't actually DO the things I want to do, or I don't enjoy them anymore, because I'm so tired from stretching myself trying to do them.
Take today for example. There's a Dag practice in...6 hours or so. I haven't slept more than eight hours since I got off work thursday morning. I'm still up because I can't seem to tear myself away from my computer, from Starcraft, from being awake and doing stuff...even if it's nothing productive whatsoever.
I just feel like when my week starts back up, it'll be work sleep work sleep work sleep work sleep work sleep like always. That I won't have a chance during the week to play at all. To have fun. To relax. And I'm so stressed about my schedule that the relaxation I try to squeeze in makes me feel guilty and beat myself up because I should be sleeping right now so I can get through work tonight so I can come home and sleep and then wake up and go back to work again and...
I don't know if it's my schedule, my depression, or my age, but it seems like I never get enough sleep to feel rested. ...well, maybe once a week, when I crash around 8 or 9 and don't wake up until that evening when it's time to go to work. Literally, work sleep work. I HATE those days, but they are the only way I have to feel like I actually rested during my sleep. I hate them because they leave me with no time to play games, catch/keep up on Kingdom of Loathing, or (and here's the really buggy one) pursue any of my dreams or ambitions.
I haven't done anything more on the swords I prepped since I cut the flats, the day I decided the length of each and cut the cores. I have four cores and eight flats. The damn things aren't even dap'ed on. I just feel no motivation because it seems like any time I spend on that could be better spent doing something fun. So I hunt for that something and end up finding things that are fun enough to qualify, but not to satisfy.
I hate being insatiable. Insatiable sex drive, insatiable sadism, insatiable desire for fun, insatiable desire for companionship, for control, for a future, for purpose, for meaning, for fighting, for...for chocolate even. I'm lucky my metabolism is so insane; I'd be one fat son of a gun by now if all my junk food intake caught up with me.
I had planned, originally, to have at least one sword done and ready for practice today. I haven't cut the blades or anything.
How the hell do I escape this without sacrificing my paychecks and the hope I have for getting out of debt before I'm 30? Do I just do as Carole did, and resign myself to a period where I won't actually enjoy my life, but I'll get things in line to do so later? How well is THAT working out for her?
I don't want to become a workaholic. And I'm pretty sure there's no danger of that, since I'm angsty about the fact that I work so much. But I worry that if I don't do SOMETHING, I'll start viewing excessive hours at work and a job that devours my life as a natural part of things.
So here I am. I'm starting to sabotage myself because I am trying so hard to fit my life into my life. Or at least some semblance. I'm wearing myself out because I'm getting worn out.
It isn't a break from work I need. It isn't a vacation. It's a job where I can live AND work AND sleep.
...and, preferably, make enough to make progress.