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Chapter 4 - Acquired dyspraxia. Is that the name for Lukas' condition, or is everything still just normal symptoms of his concussion?
By the next morning the news of Lukas’ returned memory had spread and everyone had shown up to visit him. The doctor had insisted that he needed some rest, whether or not he wanted to admit it, and had kicked everyone out just before his lunch so he could have a nap after he ate. Bastian was allowed to stay and he would have put up a fight if the doctor had insisted he go too. He had just finished saying goodbye to the guys and closed the door to Lukas’ room and walked back over to the bed. Though Lukas was definitely in higher spirits, he did look rather tired. Hopefully his nap would rest him well.
Bastian sat down beside him, pulling the tray with his food onto his lap. After dinner the previous night, Bastian had spoken to the doctor about Lukas’ restricted movements. The doctor had been very concerned, which had worried Bastian a little. It wasn’t necessarily something serious, he’d been told, it could simply be that his system was over worked, or perhaps his brain still wasn’t functioning at full capacity yet, thus not sending the proper signals throughout his system. But it could also be indicative of an injury to the brain or the nervous system. Though he didn’t mention anything to Bastian, the doctor was now worrying that Lukas may indeed have acquired dyspraxia, a neurological disorder caused by brain damage from the concussion. It was very early to diagnose it though, and he wasn’t about to bring it up with Lukas or Bastian for at least another few days if necessary. So far, Lukas’ symptoms were still normal for his condition.
As Bastian had thought initially after Lukas’ breakthrough, he was quite enjoying helping his best friend with everything, particularly eating. It was great fun, teasing Lukas. He didn’t push it too far though, wanting Lukas to not cross the line between laughter at Bastian, and frustration at needing help with everything. He kept a very close watch on how Lukas reacted to things, and toned down his teasing when he felt that Lukas might take it a little too close to heart. His lunch today was chicken fingers and fries, which Lukas seemed to be happy about. At least he wouldn’t have to rely on Bastian quite so much for this meal, unless Bastian made him.
Since the nurses had an obvious soft spot for the national hero, they’d included a very delectable looking ice cream sundae in the meal, which Bastian planned to have a bit of fun with later. For now he opened the small container of sweet & sour sauce and dipped one of the chicken fingers in it, bringing it up to Lukas’ face and pressing it against his lips before he had a chance to open them. “Open up, Poldi!”
Lukas did as requested and bit off some of the chicken. Bastian knew Lukas was probably glaring daggers at him for shoving the chicken on him without warning, but Lukas wasn’t really upset. While they did lunch they watched the television in the room, settling on a movie. They weren’t paying great attention to it; it was mostly background noise when they weren’t talking.
The talking was still bothering Bastian. He was getting more used to it now, so he didn’t have to ask Lukas to repeat himself very often. Now that things were coming back to him Lukas wanted to talk more, but his desire to talk and his ability to talk were not matching up. His voice was still a little mumbled and sometimes he wouldn’t even be able to say what he was thinking, because he just couldn’t get the words out correctly. Bastian was patient and supportive, often taking the initiative and guessing what Lukas was trying to say because he knew that this barrier was really bothering his friend. He hadn’t spoken very much when everyone had visited him this morning, preferring to let Bastian tell the stories. Lukas was still appearing to be quite shy with everyone other than Bastian, Michael, and Torsten and Bastian had a feeling that it had everything to do with Lukas’ impaired speech. Though he often acted the clown around others, Lukas had always been extremely self-conscious when he was attempting to do something he wasn’t very good at. Speaking had now fallen into that category, and he was doing it as little as possible around others.
As he switched from chicken to fries, Bastian re-arranged himself on the bed, kicking off his shoes and stretching his legs out in front of him. He put an arm around Lukas’ shoulders and leaned against him slightly, occasionally picking up more food and raising it to Lukas’ mouth. He was a little surprised at how not awkward this had turned out to be. “Your fries look really good, mind if I steal some?” Bastian didn’t wait for an answer before eating a few of them.
Lukas, not able to do much else, responded by pushing his shoulder into Bastian’s chest. “B-buy, your own.”
Bastian laughed. “No, yours is quite fine, thanks.”
“Stealing, from-m an in-valid.” Lukas managed the sentence without too much trouble, obviously concentrating hard on the words to get them out correctly.
Bastian laughed again. “It’s not stealing! You think I’d steal from you? It’s payment for feeding you.” He brushed his fingers on Lukas’ side, lightly tickling him.
Lukas squirmed a little and let out a whine. “B-basti! You s-say stea-al.”
Bastian was grinning madly, and dipped another chicken finger in the sauce before he pushed it into Lukas’ mouth. “I’m sorry, were you saying something?” He laughed as Lukas mumbled around the chicken in his mouth. Bastian caught the piece before it fell onto Lukas’ lap, hoping that he wasn’t making Lukas laugh so hard that he might choke. But Lukas was laughing, looking happier than ever since he’d woken. Even if he wouldn’t admit it, Lukas loved being teased by Bastian almost as much as he loved teasing his friend himself.
Once Lukas had finished the main course, Bastian picked up the dish containing the ice cream. “Mm, this looks pretty good. I don’t know if you should eat it. You might get fat lying in that bed.” Bastian waved the ice cream by Lukas’ face, watching as Lukas jutted his lower lip out and huffed. “Okay okay, put that lip away! Here, have some ice cream.” Bastian took a spoonful of the fudge covered vanilla ice cream, but he purposefully aimed wrong and smeared it on Lukas’ nose and around his mouth. He giggled like a little kid as he looked at Lukas’ ice cream covered face and the expression on it.
“Basti Schw-eini!” Lukas did not look pleased. He was pouting again, but with the ice cream it just looked comical.
Bastian had to put the sundae container down and stand up, walking over and leaning on the window sill, trying to control his laughter. He should have brought his camera with him. He turned back to face Lukas and laughed again. “I’m sorry; I’ll go get something to clean that with.” Still laughing, he entered the bathroom and got some paper towel, wetting it a little. He returned to Lukas and wiped his face off, wondering how Lukas would react if he licked some of it off. He decided not to, as he didn’t want to offend him too much straight away. Maybe he’d leave that for the next time.
Once he had cleaned Lukas off, Bastian returned to the bed and properly fed his best friend the ice cream, continually pleading with Lukas to forgive him. Lukas wasn’t budging. Once everything was done Bastian moved the tray to a chair and lied down next to Lukas again, throwing his arm around him once more. “Come on, Poldi. That was funny.”
Lukas was still pouting. “Mean.”
Bastian tried not to laugh. “It was not.”
“Mean.”
“Lukas!”
“Jerk.”
“Oh hush! Don’t upset yourself before your nap.” He rubbed a hand over Lukas’ head, hugging him closer. “Besides, you know you’d do the exact same thing to me if our positions were reversed.” He saw Lukas smile at the comment.
“No.” There it was: that cute, little boy smile that Lukas often pulled out when trying to get out of trouble or outright lie about something. Bastian laughed at it.
“So was your lunch enjoyable, then?” He squeezed Lukas’ arm while pulling his body snugly next to him.
Lukas smiled to himself for a moment; his face pressed half to Bastian’s chest. “Best lunch.” He closed his eyes, the smile still on his face, as Bastian rubbed his arm with his other hand. After the morning’s excitement and the fun with lunch, Lukas was definitely ready for that nap. Bastian remained where he was for the time being, quite happy to let Lukas fall asleep against him.
When Lukas woke up from his nap he felt more refreshed than he had so far since initially waking up. He was starting to feel like sleeping was finally resting his body, instead of just sustaining it. Dr. Stahl had stopped in to say that in a short while, he and a few colleagues would be in to speak with him and observe his condition. Bastian wouldn’t be permitted to stay, which upset Lukas more than he let on. He simply didn’t feel comfortable unless Bastian was in the room. Bastian understood the doctor’s order though and when it came time for him to leave he promised Lukas that he would be back as soon as the doctor’s visit was done. So the doctors came and Bastian left, deciding to take a walk outside to get some fresh air. He didn’t know how long they would be, so he didn’t want to leave the hospital completely. He’d check in periodically.
Inside the room, Lukas was introduced to the members who would be on his recovery team. Dr. Stahl was the chief neurologist at the hospital and would remain on his case until Lukas was cleared. Alban Heus would be the speech pathologist assigned to him, Katya Braun his occupational therapist, Greg Rothke the physical therapist, and Victor Abendroth would be the psychologist. After very brief introductions Alban Heus immediately began his assessment of Lukas, asking him questions about how he was feeling, what he remembered, and questions about his family. Through the question period he scribbled notes continuously in his book, occasionally staring hard at Lukas as he spoke.
It was quite unnerving for Lukas and he felt as though, under the pressure and scrutiny, he was speaking worse than usual. He was having a harder time figuring out what he needed to say and how to say it. He stumbled on words, sometimes mixing up their order completely. He was beginning to get very frustrated and he just wanted the whole thing to end.
Next was Rothke, who started his examination with Lukas’ hands. Katya took notes for him. He asked Lukas to grip his hand as hard as he could and to Lukas’ despair, he could only manage to close his hand around Rothke’s, no strength behind his grip at all. Rothke dictated his notes to Katya and Lukas didn’t really understand what any of it meant. Next he was told to rotate his shoulders, which he managed to do. But rotating them did feel strange, though Lukas wasn’t sure if it was actually a real sensation, or simply psychological, his mind making him feel pain and weakness that wasn’t there at all. Next Rothke gripped Lukas’ arms and told him to stand.
This turned out to be his biggest source of unease. He was surprised to find how weak his legs were, how much of a struggle it was to stand. If Rothke hadn’t been holding on to him he probably would have fallen by now. But still no one said anything to him aside from whatever the next command was. There was no sympathetic comment, no reassuring explanation that this was normal. Nothing except a lot of staring and writing. Lukas was trying hard to remain in control, to do what was asked of him as best as he could. Except that his best wasn’t very good at all. Rothke asked him to walk a few paces and he moved back himself, not giving Lukas much of a chance to do anything other than move with him.
He felt all of three years old at that moment. He could barely talk, he felt like his legs wouldn’t support him when he moved, like he was always about to fall down if Rothke released him. He wanted to cry but crying would only make him feel worse because it was just about the only thing he could manage to do on his own. So he continued to try walking, frustrated at the refusal of his feet to move faster. This wasn’t good. What was going to happen to him? His career, his whole life and sense of being was connected to his feet and legs. How could he run on the field if he couldn’t even walk? How could he kick a ball if his feet wouldn’t even move where he wanted them to?
The more he walked the worse he felt. The frustration and anxiety and worry inside of him was spreading and intensifying and he was barely even able to think. If he couldn’t think then he couldn’t walk because suddenly now he had to think about it. It wasn’t second nature anymore. If he didn’t actually tell his foot to move, if he didn’t stare at it and speak to it in his head, it remained stuck to the spot.
“Lukas, look at me.” He’d been concentrating so hard on trying to move his feet that he had completely blocked out everything around him, including Rothke, who’d been trying to get his attention. He’d had to let go of Lukas’ arm to touch his face, pushing his head up. Once Lukas’ gaze and attention was on him, he let go and took hold of his arm again. Lukas looked into his eyes and thought he saw a look of sympathy there. Rothke must be realizing how hard this was for him and he was probably going to finally offer him some encouragement, tell him he was doing fine and that this was all normal. He waited for it, feeling as though those words would calm him down and make all the difference. “I want you to try walking backwards, back to the bed.”
It was all Lukas could do to keep himself from wrenching free of Rothke’s grasp and letting himself fall to the floor, where he would stay and cry and tell everyone to get out and leave him alone. He wanted Bastian to come back and hold him and tell him that everything would be okay. It didn’t even matter at the moment if he wouldn’t be okay because he just wanted to hear the words. He wanted someone to tell him that if he worked hard enough he would be perfectly fine again. He’d be back to normal soon; he’d just have to work at it a little.
But instead he tried to force his feet backwards. If he’d thought walking forward had been a struggle, trying to walk backwards was nearly impossible. His feet kept moving forward instead of backwards and Rothke kept telling him to move back and Lukas wanted to yell at him that he knew that. He knew he should be moving back but his feet wouldn’t listen. Rothke kept repeating it over and over, “step backwards, Lukas” and Lukas was getting so frustrated that he couldn’t think anymore. He closed his eyes and bit his lip to keep from crying, not realizing how badly he was shaking.
And why wouldn’t anyone say anything to him?! Why were they just standing there, watching him, writing down notes and keeping quiet? Couldn’t anyone see that he needed encouragement? He needed someone to tell him that he could do it; he just had to concentrate and think about what he wanted to do. That’s all he wanted. One encouraging comment. Just one. But instead there was nothing but Rothke’s repeated “step backwards, Lukas” and he couldn’t do it.
Once again Rothke’s hand left his arm and touched his face but this time Lukas didn’t want to look at him. He didn’t want to hear what he had to say. “Lukas, look at me.” He didn’t want to. But he did anyway, his mind reacting to the command out of reflex. “Lukas, you need to concentrate. Forget about everything else, and just concentrate on moving your feet. Can you do that?” Rothke was so calm, so in control. Lukas didn’t want to look at him.
“Lukas, why don’t you hold onto my arms? Here, raise your arms, that’s good, and hold onto mine.” Rothke led him in his actions and Lukas guessed that he was trying to divert his attention. Make him focus on something else. So he did just that, wrapping his hands over Rothke’s arms even though he wasn’t really holding them. Rothke was still supporting him and holding him, but at least now it looked like Lukas was doing some of it himself. “Now I want you to walk backwards, Lukas. Just concentrate.” So he concentrated. Finally he was able to make his left foot slide back, not a step but a slide, which was good enough for him. His right foot wanted to go forward again, but after a moment of concentration, Lukas got it to follow the left. No matter how many times he slid one foot back a little, the next time was not any easier and he had to concentrate just as hard. He felt like it must have taken him ten minutes to cover the distance of a few short steps before he finally reached the bed. Rothke helped him sit down again and without Rothke’s support Lukas would have simply fallen back.
Now that he was sitting again, Lukas didn’t want to do anything else. He just wanted to lie down and cry himself to sleep and never wake up. If he couldn’t walk then what good was he? What if he ended up having to go through life in a wheelchair because he couldn’t walk on his own? He wouldn’t even be good conversation because he couldn’t talk!
“Lukas, look at me.” He was starting to hate those words. Rothke’s hand was on his face again and Lukas wanted to tell him to get out and leave him alone. But he doubted he’d even be able to manage getting the words out at all and he’d probably have to repeat them so many times that they would lose their impact. “Lukas, I want you to hold your leg out straight.” Could Rothke say anything that wasn’t an order? Could he be a little sympathetic, a little supportive? Lukas tried to raise his leg, not because he wanted to listen to Rothke but because he wanted this done and over with as soon as possible. He lifted his leg up, barely able to keep it straight and he listened as Rothke kept telling Katya what to write and Lukas just wanted them to stop writing. His hands were starting to shake as he kept his leg up and kept thinking about all the damn writing that was taking place. He wanted every note book and pen or pencil out of his sight. What were they writing anyway? That he wouldn’t walk again? That he had less control over his body than a young child?
“Lukas, bend your leg at the knee.” And still Rothke had more! Why was he taking so long? Couldn’t he see how upset he was over this? Couldn’t he just leave the rest of his examination for another day? Why couldn’t everyone else just leave? They were all standing there staring at him and he was trying to make his hands stop shaking because he’d finally noticed them and that’s probably what everyone else was staring at too, his shaking hands. He pushed them against his legs to try and stop them but he kept thinking about Rothke and his repeated commands and the scratching of the pens on paper and he couldn’t even bend his leg! Why couldn’t he bend his leg? It was still straight out in front of him, he couldn’t will himself to move it and maybe if he opened his eyes and looked at it he’d have more luck so he opened them and then closed them again.
Rothke had already bent his leg for him. Or maybe he’d done it without even realizing it? But why hadn’t it felt like his leg was bent? Why couldn’t he even feel Rothke’s hand on his leg? Why couldn’t he feel his leg?
“Lukas, look at me.” Those damn words again! Why couldn’t Rothke understand that he didn’t want to look at him? He didn’t want to open his eyes because when he opened them he saw how useless he was! He couldn’t move on his own, he couldn’t speak, he couldn’t even think anymore and Rothke wanted him to open his eyes and look at him? “Lukas, you need to look at me and concentrate. Calm down and concentrate. You can do this.”
He opened his eyes and looked at him. He took a deep breath and tried to control himself. His breathing was rapid and shallow and it felt like he’d just spent an entire match running up and down the pitch and in reality he’d barely moved at all. But when he looked at Rothke he realized that he could feel his leg again. It was pressed against the side of the bed and he could feel it. Maybe he’d just been too frazzled a moment ago; his mind too frayed thinking of everything that it hadn’t been able to think about his leg. He had to concentrate.
“That’s better, let’s try this again.” Rothke pulled his leg up for him and asked him to bend it. Now that he could actually concentrate on his leg, he managed to bend it. Rothke nodded and asked him to do the same with his other leg, which he did. He looked down at his lap and saw that his hands had finally stopped shaking. He still felt like his entire body was shaking, even though it wasn’t. Or maybe it was and he just couldn’t tell? Or maybe it was only his insides that were shaking and his outside-“Lukas. Eyes on me.” He looked up at Rothke, who was regarding him curiously now.
Was he getting annoyed that he couldn’t concentrate? Was his repetition of commands aggravating him just as much as it was aggravating Lukas? He wanted to do better. He was trying to do better. He just couldn’t concentrate. His mind kept flitting around, lingering for only seconds at a time on any particular thought. It was hard to keep track of what he was doing.
But it seemed like Rothke was finished. He moved back and took his notebook from Katya, scribbling down some things in it. Was that it, then? Or was someone else going to make him do things he couldn’t do and write about it? “Alright Lukas, that’s it for today. You should get some rest now.” Dr. Stahl had spoken, but once again it was just another command. Someone else telling him what to do.
The doctors all said goodbye and left the room and no one told him anything. He watched them go and wanted to say something. He wanted to tell them to come back, that after putting him through all of that they had to tell him what was wrong. He wanted to know if he would be okay again. He deserved to know now. But he didn’t say anything because he was afraid of how it would come out. He didn’t even know if he would speak loud enough for anyone to hear him. They were all leaving and he wanted to know what they’d written about him. He wanted to know something. Anything. They must have some idea by now. How could they just leave without saying anything to him? Why did they think this was okay? He’d just been through what had to be the worst hour of his life and they didn’t even tell him anything!
He barely noticed one of the nurses come in because he was staring at his hands again and they were shaking. Was the rest of his body shaking too? “The doctor said you should get some rest, Lukas.” Fuck the doctor. What did he know anyway? Apparently not enough to tell Lukas what was wrong! The nurse came over and laid a hand on his shoulder, pushing him back lightly. “Come on, you’ll feel better after you rest.”
He shook his head, pulling away from her. She wanted him to sleep? Now? He couldn’t sleep. He was too worried and too frustrated and too anxious and too exhausted to sleep. What good would sleep do, anyway? It wouldn’t make him walk again, that’s for sure. It wouldn’t make him speak properly. It wouldn’t make his hands stop shaking! Why wouldn’t his hands stop shaking?
“Would you like me to get Bastian?” He looked up at her and nodded. Yes. Bastian. He needed Bastian right now. Bastian would make everything better. He’d know what to say to calm Lukas down. He’d hug him and play with his hair and Lukas would be able to sleep if Bastian were there, pillowing his head on his chest. Bastian would tell the doctors to get out if they came back. Bastian would let him rest and he’d take care of him. He really wanted Bastian right now.
The nurse nodded and left, no doubt realizing how badly Lukas needed the comfort of a friend at that moment. Lukas remained sitting on the edge of the bed because he couldn’t even make himself lie down. He just sat there and watched his hands shaking and tried to bounce his legs off the side of his bed to make sure he could still feel them.
Out in the hall the nurse hurried past the nursing station, down the hall where she’d last seen Bastian, stopped in the hall talking to a fan. He was still there, now crouched down to sign a little boy’s t-shirt. She didn’t want to interrupt, but she felt that it would be best if Bastian got to the room as soon as possible. So she had no choice. “Bastian, I just wanted to let you know that the doctors have finished with Lukas now, so you can go in to see him.” She tried to convey to him with the look in her eyes that he shouldn’t waste any time.
Bastian obviously picked up on the look and said goodbye to the boy and his father, forcing himself to walk and not run down the hall, tuning out the little boy asking the nurse about Lukas. He opened the door and walked in, spotting Lukas on the bed and not liking the sight at all. This was a drastic change from the Lukas he had left, who had been happy and smiling and in such good spirits. This Lukas was clearly distraught, on the verge of breaking down. Bastian rushed over to the bed, an arm sliding around Lukas as he leaned his face in toward his best friend’s.
“Lukas? How did it go?” He watched as Lukas simply shook his head, not even looking at Bastian. His eyes were focused on his hands. Bastian removed his arm from Lukas’ shoulders and gripped both of Lukas’ hands in his own, still feeling them shaking despite his strong grip. “Lukas? Hey, look at me. Look at me, Lukas. Tell me what happened.” Bastian couldn’t stand it. Even when he’d first seen Lukas, when he’d looked down into his friend’s face and seen the look of fear and sadness and distress there, it was nothing compared to this. Lukas was barely even paying attention to him.
Bastian let go of his hands and cupped Lukas’ cheeks, forcing his head to turn so he could look at him. Once Lukas saw him he broke. Tears started streaming from his eyes and he practically fell into Bastian’s arms, his whole body shaking with his sobs. All Bastian could do was hold him. What had happened?
Bastian barely thought to push his shoes off before he climbed all the way onto the bed, pulling Lukas down to lie against him. He held on to Lukas’ still shaking body, wishing that there was something more that he could do. One arm was snugly around Lukas, holding him so tightly as though he were trying to stop him from shaking. The other hand was stroking Lukas’ back, sometimes stroking his cheek and brushing his tears away. Bastian held Lukas close and leaned his head forward, kissing his best friend on the forehead and whispering to him that everything would be okay. He was here, and he would help him.
When the words pierced through Lukas’ frenzied state in his mind, he started to relax a little. He tried to take deeper breaths; he tried to slow down his crying. Bastian was here and he would make things alright again. He would calm him down and let him sleep.
Bastian noticed Lukas start to calm down, noticed that he stopped crying and that after a moment, his body stopped shaking. His face was pressed into Bastian’s neck and he could feel Lukas’ breath on his skin. He just held him. He held him because there wasn’t anything else he could do. But maybe, since Lukas had calmed down now, maybe being held was the only thing he’d wanted. Maybe that’s all Bastian had to do to make everything better right now. Hold him and not let go. Never let go.
Bastian was a little surprised at how long Lukas slept; guessing that whatever had happened during the review must have completely worn him out. He’d held him for a long time, just lying there beside him and thinking. It must have gone horribly wrong. Did they tell Lukas anything? Did he know what was wrong with him?
Finally Bastian couldn’t take it anymore, this not knowing. So he carefully slipped out from under Lukas, slipping a pillow under his head. He glanced at him from the door, feeling as though perhaps he ought to wait until Lukas woke. What if he woke up and Bastian wasn’t there? What would Lukas think? But the desire to know what was wrong with him, to know what had happened during the review, that desire was overwhelming. After all, he could help Lukas better if he knew what had happened.
So he silently left the room, softly closing the door behind him. He glanced one way down the hall, then the other. There was Lukas’ neurologist, Dr. Stahl. Bastian hurried toward him, looking sterner than he likely realized. “What happened?” He didn’t waste any time on niceties, too concerned about Lukas and his overwhelming reaction.
Dr. Stahl was used to aggressive and pushy family members and friends though, so he took Bastian’s question with a smile. “Hello, Bastian. I was wondering when you’d come looking for me.” He was still smiling, but Bastian was going to slap the smile off his face if he didn’t tell him something soon. The doctor was wasting his time; every extra second they were talking was another second that Lukas might wake up and see Bastian gone. “Lukas has a lot of problems right now, Bastian, I won’t lie to you. His body is not reacting properly to signals being sent from his brain. His symptoms are still normal for a post-concussion patient, though, so it doesn’t necessarily mean that anything is really wrong with him. However, as he is a professional athlete, you can of course understand that his reactions may be a little strong.”
Bastian looked at him, slightly annoyed. A little strong. Did he have any idea how Lukas had reacted? Did he have any idea that they had left him so stressed, so distraught and panicked that he’d been shaking? Did they know how long Lukas had cried, which had been especially distressing to Bastian because Lukas never cried? How desperately he’d seemed to cling to Bastian? Had any of them even asked him how he was feeling? A little bit of a strong reaction. Bastian felt like giving the doctor a little bit of a strong reaction. Maybe he ought to demand to be present for every one of Lukas’ appointments from now on. He did not want to come back to a panicking Lukas again. He wanted to be there so Lukas wouldn’t get so upset.
“Bastian?” Dr. Stahl was looking at him, the slightest trace of concern on his face. “Lukas needs very strong friends right now. He needs patience and comfort. If you’re going to stay with him, you need to remain calm no matter what he goes through. I know that he’s your best friend, but Lukas is going to have a very hard time controlling his own emotions, and he needs someone to guide him through this.” Bastian felt slightly cowed by the doctor’s comments, almost as though the man had read his mind. He knew he was right. He couldn’t let his anger control him. The doctors were probably doing all they could and he couldn’t afford to be angry with them, especially as it might impede their work. “We won’t know for a few days, Bastian, anything certain about his condition. We all have to be patient. Let us do our jobs and you do yours. You probably have the most important one.” Dr. Stahl smiled again at him, laying a hand on his shoulder and squeezing it gently before walking away to another room.
Bastian slipped back into Lukas’ room, noting with relief that he was still sleeping. He slid back onto the bed alongside Lukas, moving him slightly so Lukas’ head was nestled against his chest. He was going to follow the doctor’s orders and do his job, comforting Lukas. Bastian wanted Lukas to wake up and know that he was there.
Lukas wasn’t the only one who the stress was taking a toll on, though. Almost immediately after snuggling next to him, Bastian fell asleep. He hadn’t wanted to admit it, but he was so tired. All the constant worrying, the ups and downs of his emotions, it was all taking a toll and he hadn’t slept much the past two nights. But now, after speaking with the doctor and getting that reassurance that everyone was working on Lukas, with Lukas himself being asleep and Bastian not having to entertain him, his body took over and forced him into submission.
So the boys lay together, both sleeping, but both needing that contact they were experiencing. Everyone seemed to understand that they shouldn’t break the connection. Nurses slipped in and out of the room, checking on Lukas to make sure he was okay, smiling when they saw Bastian sleeping next to him. Lukas’ parents even, standing at the foot of the bed and knowing that it was okay that they couldn’t support Lukas the way he needed them to, because he obviously had someone who could. His mother cried again, the way she always cried when she visited Lukas but this time her tears weren’t so desperate. Lukas looked so calm, much calmer than he had since she’d seen him here. And Bastian, she had always enjoyed the other boy, not able to help but fuss over him like another son any time she saw him. He was taking care of her boy and she couldn’t help but cry and smile at the same time. Lukas was lucky to have Bastian. So they didn’t stay long, secure in the knowledge that Lukas was in good hands.
Hours passed and still they remained sleeping. Hospital staff had taken pity on them and brought dinners for both Lukas and Bastian, leaving them on the table by the bed with instructions to heat them in the nurses’ lunch room down the hall. Everyone it seemed, at one point or another, had popped their head into the room, stealing a quick peek at the pair, some still in shock that these were the same young men they watched on TV, the same ones they had cheered nearly a year ago during the World Cup and were cheering now during their qualifications for the European Cup. They looked so young and vulnerable lying there, clinging to each other. But no one disturbed them and the staff made certain that no one got into the room who shouldn’t. They had enough to worry about without the fear of crazed fans or media intruding on their space.
Lukas was the first one to wake. It was starting to get dark outside his window, and he moved his head just slightly. As Bastian had intended, when Lukas woke up in Bastian’s arms, it gave him the necessary comfort to forget momentarily about the events of just hours earlier. Maybe they hadn’t happened at all, and he’d been dreaming. But now it wasn’t so important, because Bastian was here and he felt better. His moving woke Bastian though, who reacted a little confusedly to being woken. “Lukas?” He sat up suddenly, a reaction that pushed Lukas onto his back.
Lukas scowled at Bastian, though he felt like laughing at him. Bastian hadn’t meant to fall asleep and now that he realized he had, he was embarrassed about it. “Sleep g-good?” Lukas grinned, unable to keep from teasing him.
Bastian glared at Lukas, which only made him smile. Bastian looked around the room and noticed the dinner trays. He looked back at Lukas and grinned. “Look at that, they brought me food too.”
Lukas laughed. “Lazy. They know.” Lukas was having some trouble getting his words out right at the moment but he didn’t really mind. Bastian would understand what he was saying.
Rising from the bed, Bastian walked over and picked up the trays, glancing over the food. It would definitely have to be re-heated. He wondered why no one had woken them. He felt a little foolish now for having fallen asleep. He did feel refreshed at least, but he was slightly embarrassed. He looked back at Lukas and narrowed his eyes. “I am not lazy. But I am hungry. So hungry that I could probably eat two meals right now…” He grinned at Lukas, who pouted back at him, as if on request.
“Again no.” They both laughed at the memory of lunch earlier that day. It seemed like it was so long ago to Bastian, days instead of hours. The afternoon had really taken a toll on him. So with a still devious grin directed at Lukas, he took the meals and headed off in search of the lunch room, receiving directions from one of the nurses on call that evening. He wasn’t quite sure if he liked the way the nurse was grinning at him though, like she was keeping some devious secret from him.
He returned a few minutes later with the food, settling next to Lukas and turning on the TV again while they ate. He let Lukas try to navigate the food himself, pleased that he could manage to get a grip on the fresh vegetables and eat them on his own, even though he sometimes ended up missing his mouth. It was a minor setback though, and he seemed to be happy enough to at least be able to try.
Part of Bastian wanted to ask Lukas about what had happened that afternoon at the review that had upset him so much. But he didn’t want to risk upsetting him again, so he kept the questions for later. Or perhaps Lukas would bring it up on his own. For now, they both deserved a relaxing dinner settled together, eyes on the screen and mouths occupied with food. They were both content for the time being, happy to just be together. Once Lukas finished eating the vegetables, Bastian cut up the steak into small pieces that Lukas could pick up, doing the same thing with the slices of bread cut from a baguette.
When they finished he moved the trays off to the table again and resumed his place next to Lukas on the bed. He really wanted to ask about the review with the doctors. Should he push Lukas to talk about it? He seemed pretty happy now, but what if he was just blocking out the anguish he’d felt over it? If he ignored it long enough, it might break him later. “Lukas?” He decided to at least ask Lukas if he wanted to talk about it. If Lukas said no, then he wouldn’t push.
“What?” Lukas had leaned his head against Bastian’s shoulder, comfortably slumped against the older boy.
Bastian hesitated momentarily before asking the question he was dreading the reaction to. “Do you want to talk about what happened this afternoon?” He really hoped the question wouldn’t upset Lukas too much.
Lukas was silent, contemplating the request. He did want to talk about it, sort of. But talking about it would probably only make him remember how helpless he’d felt during the whole thing. Did he want to bring that up again now? Maybe he should put it off until the morning. He was sure Bastian would understand.
“It’s okay if you don’t.” Bastian suddenly felt like he shouldn’t have asked. Had he upset Lukas? “I just wanted you to know that if you do want to talk about it, I’ll listen.” The worry was evident in Bastian’s voice, but it was also clear that Bastian didn’t want to push him.
Lukas smiled. It was so obvious to him that Bastian wanted to know. When he thought back to the way Bastian had found him, he couldn’t really blame his friend. Maybe he should tell him. Explain to him why he had been such a mess. Explain what it felt like. Maybe he wouldn’t get so upset over it with Bastian here to comfort him. “Worried mm-me.” He pushed himself closer to Bastian, instinctively searching for that physical comfort. “Nothing works. Talk is, is hard. Walk, nothing. Lots of f-frustra, ting.”
Bastian put both arms around Lukas, wishing he could do more. “I wish I’d been there.”
“Not mm-me.” That was only half true. He had wanted Bastian there to comfort him, but he also hadn’t wanted Bastian to have to watch him struggle. “You be, up-set, to see m-me.”
“Lukas, the fact that you’re even in here upsets me.” Bastian worried now that Lukas might hide things from him, he worried that he might not tell him the full truth about his condition. How could Lukas possibly be thinking about protecting him, when he was the one who was broken?
“Was trust bad. Thinking, no. When try-ing f-focus, th-think of tom, orrow, m-maybe no better. I panic, doctors so frus-strate with mm-me.” Lukas frowned at the memory. He’d been so disappointed with himself and his poor reactions. The doctors had to have been hoping for better.
“Lukas, the doctors aren’t frustrated with you.” Bastian was a little surprised at the comment. Did Lukas really think that? “They understand why you can’t do anything properly. It’s not your fault that you’re having so much trouble; it’s normal after such a severe concussion. Didn’t they explain that to you?”
It was obvious from the look on Lukas’ face that they hadn’t. So Bastian did instead. He explained to Lukas about all the possibilities the doctor had told him of, that it usually takes time for the body to react to signals sent from the brain, that his body was still in the process of waking up, as the doctor had put it. It needed to be re-taught how to do everything. It would take some time before any real progress was made and that it was important that no matter how hard or frustrating it may get, that he had to keep trying. The depth of his recovery was really up to Lukas himself, the therapists and doctors could only give him the tools to help him along.
“I, of course, will be here to offer all the moral support you could ever dream of having.” He grinned at Lukas and heard the other boy laugh.
“Oh, w-wonder full.”
“Hey! I could be doing numerous other things, you know, instead of spending all my time here with you. I should have been at practice today, you know, but I called in sick.” That much was true. He was meeting with his agent later to discuss this situation, because even though he knew he had a responsibility to go back to training, he just didn't think he was able to with Lukas like this. He couldn't think if he wasn't with him. The thought of having to leave him on his own all day while he was off playing football bothered him to the core. So he was going to talk to his agent, and he was going to tell him to work something out with the club. He didn't care what would have to be offered - he simply wasn't going to return to training until Lukas could function on his own.
Lukas smiled when Bastian told him that. He laid his arm across Bastian’s chest, snuggling closer to him. “Glad Basti here. Hard, with n-no y-you.” He was being as serious as he’d ever been and it tugged at Bastian’s very core.
“Lukas, how could I possibly be anywhere else right now?” He hoped Lukas believed that. He hoped he understood how important he was to Bastian, how much he valued their friendship. This was testing them in a way they never thought they could be tested, and Bastian wasn’t hesitating to let Lukas know his answer to the test.
Lukas was thinking similar thoughts, happy and a little surprised that Bastian was being so loyal and devoted. He’d always known that Bastian valued him as much as he valued the other, but this was a situation neither had ever imagined and Lukas felt so happy to know that Bastian wasn’t going to leave him behind. He wanted make sure Bastian understood how much it meant to him. “Lucky for mm-me, Basti. When worry, f-feel better, when y-you. You mm-make calm.”
Bastian smiled and his fingers played with Lukas’ ear. “I noticed that.” This was the first time they had ever really verbalized how much they cared about each other. Something about it felt right, sharing these emotions out loud for only them to hear. It had always been obvious to everyone how close they were, but this was different. It was personal and private and belonged only to them. Even though they knew how important they were to each other, they had to say it.
“We’ll get you better, Lukas. It won’t feel right, doing anything without you there. It might take some time, more time than we’d like, but I won’t give up on you. Even if you start to give up on yourself, I’ll be right there to pick you up. I promise.” He kissed Lukas on the forehead, right above his eye, and kept his lips pressed there after the kiss.
Lukas just smiled and closed his eyes. “Thank, Basti.”
By the next morning the news of Lukas’ returned memory had spread and everyone had shown up to visit him. The doctor had insisted that he needed some rest, whether or not he wanted to admit it, and had kicked everyone out just before his lunch so he could have a nap after he ate. Bastian was allowed to stay and he would have put up a fight if the doctor had insisted he go too. He had just finished saying goodbye to the guys and closed the door to Lukas’ room and walked back over to the bed. Though Lukas was definitely in higher spirits, he did look rather tired. Hopefully his nap would rest him well.
Bastian sat down beside him, pulling the tray with his food onto his lap. After dinner the previous night, Bastian had spoken to the doctor about Lukas’ restricted movements. The doctor had been very concerned, which had worried Bastian a little. It wasn’t necessarily something serious, he’d been told, it could simply be that his system was over worked, or perhaps his brain still wasn’t functioning at full capacity yet, thus not sending the proper signals throughout his system. But it could also be indicative of an injury to the brain or the nervous system. Though he didn’t mention anything to Bastian, the doctor was now worrying that Lukas may indeed have acquired dyspraxia, a neurological disorder caused by brain damage from the concussion. It was very early to diagnose it though, and he wasn’t about to bring it up with Lukas or Bastian for at least another few days if necessary. So far, Lukas’ symptoms were still normal for his condition.
As Bastian had thought initially after Lukas’ breakthrough, he was quite enjoying helping his best friend with everything, particularly eating. It was great fun, teasing Lukas. He didn’t push it too far though, wanting Lukas to not cross the line between laughter at Bastian, and frustration at needing help with everything. He kept a very close watch on how Lukas reacted to things, and toned down his teasing when he felt that Lukas might take it a little too close to heart. His lunch today was chicken fingers and fries, which Lukas seemed to be happy about. At least he wouldn’t have to rely on Bastian quite so much for this meal, unless Bastian made him.
Since the nurses had an obvious soft spot for the national hero, they’d included a very delectable looking ice cream sundae in the meal, which Bastian planned to have a bit of fun with later. For now he opened the small container of sweet & sour sauce and dipped one of the chicken fingers in it, bringing it up to Lukas’ face and pressing it against his lips before he had a chance to open them. “Open up, Poldi!”
Lukas did as requested and bit off some of the chicken. Bastian knew Lukas was probably glaring daggers at him for shoving the chicken on him without warning, but Lukas wasn’t really upset. While they did lunch they watched the television in the room, settling on a movie. They weren’t paying great attention to it; it was mostly background noise when they weren’t talking.
The talking was still bothering Bastian. He was getting more used to it now, so he didn’t have to ask Lukas to repeat himself very often. Now that things were coming back to him Lukas wanted to talk more, but his desire to talk and his ability to talk were not matching up. His voice was still a little mumbled and sometimes he wouldn’t even be able to say what he was thinking, because he just couldn’t get the words out correctly. Bastian was patient and supportive, often taking the initiative and guessing what Lukas was trying to say because he knew that this barrier was really bothering his friend. He hadn’t spoken very much when everyone had visited him this morning, preferring to let Bastian tell the stories. Lukas was still appearing to be quite shy with everyone other than Bastian, Michael, and Torsten and Bastian had a feeling that it had everything to do with Lukas’ impaired speech. Though he often acted the clown around others, Lukas had always been extremely self-conscious when he was attempting to do something he wasn’t very good at. Speaking had now fallen into that category, and he was doing it as little as possible around others.
As he switched from chicken to fries, Bastian re-arranged himself on the bed, kicking off his shoes and stretching his legs out in front of him. He put an arm around Lukas’ shoulders and leaned against him slightly, occasionally picking up more food and raising it to Lukas’ mouth. He was a little surprised at how not awkward this had turned out to be. “Your fries look really good, mind if I steal some?” Bastian didn’t wait for an answer before eating a few of them.
Lukas, not able to do much else, responded by pushing his shoulder into Bastian’s chest. “B-buy, your own.”
Bastian laughed. “No, yours is quite fine, thanks.”
“Stealing, from-m an in-valid.” Lukas managed the sentence without too much trouble, obviously concentrating hard on the words to get them out correctly.
Bastian laughed again. “It’s not stealing! You think I’d steal from you? It’s payment for feeding you.” He brushed his fingers on Lukas’ side, lightly tickling him.
Lukas squirmed a little and let out a whine. “B-basti! You s-say stea-al.”
Bastian was grinning madly, and dipped another chicken finger in the sauce before he pushed it into Lukas’ mouth. “I’m sorry, were you saying something?” He laughed as Lukas mumbled around the chicken in his mouth. Bastian caught the piece before it fell onto Lukas’ lap, hoping that he wasn’t making Lukas laugh so hard that he might choke. But Lukas was laughing, looking happier than ever since he’d woken. Even if he wouldn’t admit it, Lukas loved being teased by Bastian almost as much as he loved teasing his friend himself.
Once Lukas had finished the main course, Bastian picked up the dish containing the ice cream. “Mm, this looks pretty good. I don’t know if you should eat it. You might get fat lying in that bed.” Bastian waved the ice cream by Lukas’ face, watching as Lukas jutted his lower lip out and huffed. “Okay okay, put that lip away! Here, have some ice cream.” Bastian took a spoonful of the fudge covered vanilla ice cream, but he purposefully aimed wrong and smeared it on Lukas’ nose and around his mouth. He giggled like a little kid as he looked at Lukas’ ice cream covered face and the expression on it.
“Basti Schw-eini!” Lukas did not look pleased. He was pouting again, but with the ice cream it just looked comical.
Bastian had to put the sundae container down and stand up, walking over and leaning on the window sill, trying to control his laughter. He should have brought his camera with him. He turned back to face Lukas and laughed again. “I’m sorry; I’ll go get something to clean that with.” Still laughing, he entered the bathroom and got some paper towel, wetting it a little. He returned to Lukas and wiped his face off, wondering how Lukas would react if he licked some of it off. He decided not to, as he didn’t want to offend him too much straight away. Maybe he’d leave that for the next time.
Once he had cleaned Lukas off, Bastian returned to the bed and properly fed his best friend the ice cream, continually pleading with Lukas to forgive him. Lukas wasn’t budging. Once everything was done Bastian moved the tray to a chair and lied down next to Lukas again, throwing his arm around him once more. “Come on, Poldi. That was funny.”
Lukas was still pouting. “Mean.”
Bastian tried not to laugh. “It was not.”
“Mean.”
“Lukas!”
“Jerk.”
“Oh hush! Don’t upset yourself before your nap.” He rubbed a hand over Lukas’ head, hugging him closer. “Besides, you know you’d do the exact same thing to me if our positions were reversed.” He saw Lukas smile at the comment.
“No.” There it was: that cute, little boy smile that Lukas often pulled out when trying to get out of trouble or outright lie about something. Bastian laughed at it.
“So was your lunch enjoyable, then?” He squeezed Lukas’ arm while pulling his body snugly next to him.
Lukas smiled to himself for a moment; his face pressed half to Bastian’s chest. “Best lunch.” He closed his eyes, the smile still on his face, as Bastian rubbed his arm with his other hand. After the morning’s excitement and the fun with lunch, Lukas was definitely ready for that nap. Bastian remained where he was for the time being, quite happy to let Lukas fall asleep against him.
When Lukas woke up from his nap he felt more refreshed than he had so far since initially waking up. He was starting to feel like sleeping was finally resting his body, instead of just sustaining it. Dr. Stahl had stopped in to say that in a short while, he and a few colleagues would be in to speak with him and observe his condition. Bastian wouldn’t be permitted to stay, which upset Lukas more than he let on. He simply didn’t feel comfortable unless Bastian was in the room. Bastian understood the doctor’s order though and when it came time for him to leave he promised Lukas that he would be back as soon as the doctor’s visit was done. So the doctors came and Bastian left, deciding to take a walk outside to get some fresh air. He didn’t know how long they would be, so he didn’t want to leave the hospital completely. He’d check in periodically.
Inside the room, Lukas was introduced to the members who would be on his recovery team. Dr. Stahl was the chief neurologist at the hospital and would remain on his case until Lukas was cleared. Alban Heus would be the speech pathologist assigned to him, Katya Braun his occupational therapist, Greg Rothke the physical therapist, and Victor Abendroth would be the psychologist. After very brief introductions Alban Heus immediately began his assessment of Lukas, asking him questions about how he was feeling, what he remembered, and questions about his family. Through the question period he scribbled notes continuously in his book, occasionally staring hard at Lukas as he spoke.
It was quite unnerving for Lukas and he felt as though, under the pressure and scrutiny, he was speaking worse than usual. He was having a harder time figuring out what he needed to say and how to say it. He stumbled on words, sometimes mixing up their order completely. He was beginning to get very frustrated and he just wanted the whole thing to end.
Next was Rothke, who started his examination with Lukas’ hands. Katya took notes for him. He asked Lukas to grip his hand as hard as he could and to Lukas’ despair, he could only manage to close his hand around Rothke’s, no strength behind his grip at all. Rothke dictated his notes to Katya and Lukas didn’t really understand what any of it meant. Next he was told to rotate his shoulders, which he managed to do. But rotating them did feel strange, though Lukas wasn’t sure if it was actually a real sensation, or simply psychological, his mind making him feel pain and weakness that wasn’t there at all. Next Rothke gripped Lukas’ arms and told him to stand.
This turned out to be his biggest source of unease. He was surprised to find how weak his legs were, how much of a struggle it was to stand. If Rothke hadn’t been holding on to him he probably would have fallen by now. But still no one said anything to him aside from whatever the next command was. There was no sympathetic comment, no reassuring explanation that this was normal. Nothing except a lot of staring and writing. Lukas was trying hard to remain in control, to do what was asked of him as best as he could. Except that his best wasn’t very good at all. Rothke asked him to walk a few paces and he moved back himself, not giving Lukas much of a chance to do anything other than move with him.
He felt all of three years old at that moment. He could barely talk, he felt like his legs wouldn’t support him when he moved, like he was always about to fall down if Rothke released him. He wanted to cry but crying would only make him feel worse because it was just about the only thing he could manage to do on his own. So he continued to try walking, frustrated at the refusal of his feet to move faster. This wasn’t good. What was going to happen to him? His career, his whole life and sense of being was connected to his feet and legs. How could he run on the field if he couldn’t even walk? How could he kick a ball if his feet wouldn’t even move where he wanted them to?
The more he walked the worse he felt. The frustration and anxiety and worry inside of him was spreading and intensifying and he was barely even able to think. If he couldn’t think then he couldn’t walk because suddenly now he had to think about it. It wasn’t second nature anymore. If he didn’t actually tell his foot to move, if he didn’t stare at it and speak to it in his head, it remained stuck to the spot.
“Lukas, look at me.” He’d been concentrating so hard on trying to move his feet that he had completely blocked out everything around him, including Rothke, who’d been trying to get his attention. He’d had to let go of Lukas’ arm to touch his face, pushing his head up. Once Lukas’ gaze and attention was on him, he let go and took hold of his arm again. Lukas looked into his eyes and thought he saw a look of sympathy there. Rothke must be realizing how hard this was for him and he was probably going to finally offer him some encouragement, tell him he was doing fine and that this was all normal. He waited for it, feeling as though those words would calm him down and make all the difference. “I want you to try walking backwards, back to the bed.”
It was all Lukas could do to keep himself from wrenching free of Rothke’s grasp and letting himself fall to the floor, where he would stay and cry and tell everyone to get out and leave him alone. He wanted Bastian to come back and hold him and tell him that everything would be okay. It didn’t even matter at the moment if he wouldn’t be okay because he just wanted to hear the words. He wanted someone to tell him that if he worked hard enough he would be perfectly fine again. He’d be back to normal soon; he’d just have to work at it a little.
But instead he tried to force his feet backwards. If he’d thought walking forward had been a struggle, trying to walk backwards was nearly impossible. His feet kept moving forward instead of backwards and Rothke kept telling him to move back and Lukas wanted to yell at him that he knew that. He knew he should be moving back but his feet wouldn’t listen. Rothke kept repeating it over and over, “step backwards, Lukas” and Lukas was getting so frustrated that he couldn’t think anymore. He closed his eyes and bit his lip to keep from crying, not realizing how badly he was shaking.
And why wouldn’t anyone say anything to him?! Why were they just standing there, watching him, writing down notes and keeping quiet? Couldn’t anyone see that he needed encouragement? He needed someone to tell him that he could do it; he just had to concentrate and think about what he wanted to do. That’s all he wanted. One encouraging comment. Just one. But instead there was nothing but Rothke’s repeated “step backwards, Lukas” and he couldn’t do it.
Once again Rothke’s hand left his arm and touched his face but this time Lukas didn’t want to look at him. He didn’t want to hear what he had to say. “Lukas, look at me.” He didn’t want to. But he did anyway, his mind reacting to the command out of reflex. “Lukas, you need to concentrate. Forget about everything else, and just concentrate on moving your feet. Can you do that?” Rothke was so calm, so in control. Lukas didn’t want to look at him.
“Lukas, why don’t you hold onto my arms? Here, raise your arms, that’s good, and hold onto mine.” Rothke led him in his actions and Lukas guessed that he was trying to divert his attention. Make him focus on something else. So he did just that, wrapping his hands over Rothke’s arms even though he wasn’t really holding them. Rothke was still supporting him and holding him, but at least now it looked like Lukas was doing some of it himself. “Now I want you to walk backwards, Lukas. Just concentrate.” So he concentrated. Finally he was able to make his left foot slide back, not a step but a slide, which was good enough for him. His right foot wanted to go forward again, but after a moment of concentration, Lukas got it to follow the left. No matter how many times he slid one foot back a little, the next time was not any easier and he had to concentrate just as hard. He felt like it must have taken him ten minutes to cover the distance of a few short steps before he finally reached the bed. Rothke helped him sit down again and without Rothke’s support Lukas would have simply fallen back.
Now that he was sitting again, Lukas didn’t want to do anything else. He just wanted to lie down and cry himself to sleep and never wake up. If he couldn’t walk then what good was he? What if he ended up having to go through life in a wheelchair because he couldn’t walk on his own? He wouldn’t even be good conversation because he couldn’t talk!
“Lukas, look at me.” He was starting to hate those words. Rothke’s hand was on his face again and Lukas wanted to tell him to get out and leave him alone. But he doubted he’d even be able to manage getting the words out at all and he’d probably have to repeat them so many times that they would lose their impact. “Lukas, I want you to hold your leg out straight.” Could Rothke say anything that wasn’t an order? Could he be a little sympathetic, a little supportive? Lukas tried to raise his leg, not because he wanted to listen to Rothke but because he wanted this done and over with as soon as possible. He lifted his leg up, barely able to keep it straight and he listened as Rothke kept telling Katya what to write and Lukas just wanted them to stop writing. His hands were starting to shake as he kept his leg up and kept thinking about all the damn writing that was taking place. He wanted every note book and pen or pencil out of his sight. What were they writing anyway? That he wouldn’t walk again? That he had less control over his body than a young child?
“Lukas, bend your leg at the knee.” And still Rothke had more! Why was he taking so long? Couldn’t he see how upset he was over this? Couldn’t he just leave the rest of his examination for another day? Why couldn’t everyone else just leave? They were all standing there staring at him and he was trying to make his hands stop shaking because he’d finally noticed them and that’s probably what everyone else was staring at too, his shaking hands. He pushed them against his legs to try and stop them but he kept thinking about Rothke and his repeated commands and the scratching of the pens on paper and he couldn’t even bend his leg! Why couldn’t he bend his leg? It was still straight out in front of him, he couldn’t will himself to move it and maybe if he opened his eyes and looked at it he’d have more luck so he opened them and then closed them again.
Rothke had already bent his leg for him. Or maybe he’d done it without even realizing it? But why hadn’t it felt like his leg was bent? Why couldn’t he even feel Rothke’s hand on his leg? Why couldn’t he feel his leg?
“Lukas, look at me.” Those damn words again! Why couldn’t Rothke understand that he didn’t want to look at him? He didn’t want to open his eyes because when he opened them he saw how useless he was! He couldn’t move on his own, he couldn’t speak, he couldn’t even think anymore and Rothke wanted him to open his eyes and look at him? “Lukas, you need to look at me and concentrate. Calm down and concentrate. You can do this.”
He opened his eyes and looked at him. He took a deep breath and tried to control himself. His breathing was rapid and shallow and it felt like he’d just spent an entire match running up and down the pitch and in reality he’d barely moved at all. But when he looked at Rothke he realized that he could feel his leg again. It was pressed against the side of the bed and he could feel it. Maybe he’d just been too frazzled a moment ago; his mind too frayed thinking of everything that it hadn’t been able to think about his leg. He had to concentrate.
“That’s better, let’s try this again.” Rothke pulled his leg up for him and asked him to bend it. Now that he could actually concentrate on his leg, he managed to bend it. Rothke nodded and asked him to do the same with his other leg, which he did. He looked down at his lap and saw that his hands had finally stopped shaking. He still felt like his entire body was shaking, even though it wasn’t. Or maybe it was and he just couldn’t tell? Or maybe it was only his insides that were shaking and his outside-“Lukas. Eyes on me.” He looked up at Rothke, who was regarding him curiously now.
Was he getting annoyed that he couldn’t concentrate? Was his repetition of commands aggravating him just as much as it was aggravating Lukas? He wanted to do better. He was trying to do better. He just couldn’t concentrate. His mind kept flitting around, lingering for only seconds at a time on any particular thought. It was hard to keep track of what he was doing.
But it seemed like Rothke was finished. He moved back and took his notebook from Katya, scribbling down some things in it. Was that it, then? Or was someone else going to make him do things he couldn’t do and write about it? “Alright Lukas, that’s it for today. You should get some rest now.” Dr. Stahl had spoken, but once again it was just another command. Someone else telling him what to do.
The doctors all said goodbye and left the room and no one told him anything. He watched them go and wanted to say something. He wanted to tell them to come back, that after putting him through all of that they had to tell him what was wrong. He wanted to know if he would be okay again. He deserved to know now. But he didn’t say anything because he was afraid of how it would come out. He didn’t even know if he would speak loud enough for anyone to hear him. They were all leaving and he wanted to know what they’d written about him. He wanted to know something. Anything. They must have some idea by now. How could they just leave without saying anything to him? Why did they think this was okay? He’d just been through what had to be the worst hour of his life and they didn’t even tell him anything!
He barely noticed one of the nurses come in because he was staring at his hands again and they were shaking. Was the rest of his body shaking too? “The doctor said you should get some rest, Lukas.” Fuck the doctor. What did he know anyway? Apparently not enough to tell Lukas what was wrong! The nurse came over and laid a hand on his shoulder, pushing him back lightly. “Come on, you’ll feel better after you rest.”
He shook his head, pulling away from her. She wanted him to sleep? Now? He couldn’t sleep. He was too worried and too frustrated and too anxious and too exhausted to sleep. What good would sleep do, anyway? It wouldn’t make him walk again, that’s for sure. It wouldn’t make him speak properly. It wouldn’t make his hands stop shaking! Why wouldn’t his hands stop shaking?
“Would you like me to get Bastian?” He looked up at her and nodded. Yes. Bastian. He needed Bastian right now. Bastian would make everything better. He’d know what to say to calm Lukas down. He’d hug him and play with his hair and Lukas would be able to sleep if Bastian were there, pillowing his head on his chest. Bastian would tell the doctors to get out if they came back. Bastian would let him rest and he’d take care of him. He really wanted Bastian right now.
The nurse nodded and left, no doubt realizing how badly Lukas needed the comfort of a friend at that moment. Lukas remained sitting on the edge of the bed because he couldn’t even make himself lie down. He just sat there and watched his hands shaking and tried to bounce his legs off the side of his bed to make sure he could still feel them.
Out in the hall the nurse hurried past the nursing station, down the hall where she’d last seen Bastian, stopped in the hall talking to a fan. He was still there, now crouched down to sign a little boy’s t-shirt. She didn’t want to interrupt, but she felt that it would be best if Bastian got to the room as soon as possible. So she had no choice. “Bastian, I just wanted to let you know that the doctors have finished with Lukas now, so you can go in to see him.” She tried to convey to him with the look in her eyes that he shouldn’t waste any time.
Bastian obviously picked up on the look and said goodbye to the boy and his father, forcing himself to walk and not run down the hall, tuning out the little boy asking the nurse about Lukas. He opened the door and walked in, spotting Lukas on the bed and not liking the sight at all. This was a drastic change from the Lukas he had left, who had been happy and smiling and in such good spirits. This Lukas was clearly distraught, on the verge of breaking down. Bastian rushed over to the bed, an arm sliding around Lukas as he leaned his face in toward his best friend’s.
“Lukas? How did it go?” He watched as Lukas simply shook his head, not even looking at Bastian. His eyes were focused on his hands. Bastian removed his arm from Lukas’ shoulders and gripped both of Lukas’ hands in his own, still feeling them shaking despite his strong grip. “Lukas? Hey, look at me. Look at me, Lukas. Tell me what happened.” Bastian couldn’t stand it. Even when he’d first seen Lukas, when he’d looked down into his friend’s face and seen the look of fear and sadness and distress there, it was nothing compared to this. Lukas was barely even paying attention to him.
Bastian let go of his hands and cupped Lukas’ cheeks, forcing his head to turn so he could look at him. Once Lukas saw him he broke. Tears started streaming from his eyes and he practically fell into Bastian’s arms, his whole body shaking with his sobs. All Bastian could do was hold him. What had happened?
Bastian barely thought to push his shoes off before he climbed all the way onto the bed, pulling Lukas down to lie against him. He held on to Lukas’ still shaking body, wishing that there was something more that he could do. One arm was snugly around Lukas, holding him so tightly as though he were trying to stop him from shaking. The other hand was stroking Lukas’ back, sometimes stroking his cheek and brushing his tears away. Bastian held Lukas close and leaned his head forward, kissing his best friend on the forehead and whispering to him that everything would be okay. He was here, and he would help him.
When the words pierced through Lukas’ frenzied state in his mind, he started to relax a little. He tried to take deeper breaths; he tried to slow down his crying. Bastian was here and he would make things alright again. He would calm him down and let him sleep.
Bastian noticed Lukas start to calm down, noticed that he stopped crying and that after a moment, his body stopped shaking. His face was pressed into Bastian’s neck and he could feel Lukas’ breath on his skin. He just held him. He held him because there wasn’t anything else he could do. But maybe, since Lukas had calmed down now, maybe being held was the only thing he’d wanted. Maybe that’s all Bastian had to do to make everything better right now. Hold him and not let go. Never let go.
Bastian was a little surprised at how long Lukas slept; guessing that whatever had happened during the review must have completely worn him out. He’d held him for a long time, just lying there beside him and thinking. It must have gone horribly wrong. Did they tell Lukas anything? Did he know what was wrong with him?
Finally Bastian couldn’t take it anymore, this not knowing. So he carefully slipped out from under Lukas, slipping a pillow under his head. He glanced at him from the door, feeling as though perhaps he ought to wait until Lukas woke. What if he woke up and Bastian wasn’t there? What would Lukas think? But the desire to know what was wrong with him, to know what had happened during the review, that desire was overwhelming. After all, he could help Lukas better if he knew what had happened.
So he silently left the room, softly closing the door behind him. He glanced one way down the hall, then the other. There was Lukas’ neurologist, Dr. Stahl. Bastian hurried toward him, looking sterner than he likely realized. “What happened?” He didn’t waste any time on niceties, too concerned about Lukas and his overwhelming reaction.
Dr. Stahl was used to aggressive and pushy family members and friends though, so he took Bastian’s question with a smile. “Hello, Bastian. I was wondering when you’d come looking for me.” He was still smiling, but Bastian was going to slap the smile off his face if he didn’t tell him something soon. The doctor was wasting his time; every extra second they were talking was another second that Lukas might wake up and see Bastian gone. “Lukas has a lot of problems right now, Bastian, I won’t lie to you. His body is not reacting properly to signals being sent from his brain. His symptoms are still normal for a post-concussion patient, though, so it doesn’t necessarily mean that anything is really wrong with him. However, as he is a professional athlete, you can of course understand that his reactions may be a little strong.”
Bastian looked at him, slightly annoyed. A little strong. Did he have any idea how Lukas had reacted? Did he have any idea that they had left him so stressed, so distraught and panicked that he’d been shaking? Did they know how long Lukas had cried, which had been especially distressing to Bastian because Lukas never cried? How desperately he’d seemed to cling to Bastian? Had any of them even asked him how he was feeling? A little bit of a strong reaction. Bastian felt like giving the doctor a little bit of a strong reaction. Maybe he ought to demand to be present for every one of Lukas’ appointments from now on. He did not want to come back to a panicking Lukas again. He wanted to be there so Lukas wouldn’t get so upset.
“Bastian?” Dr. Stahl was looking at him, the slightest trace of concern on his face. “Lukas needs very strong friends right now. He needs patience and comfort. If you’re going to stay with him, you need to remain calm no matter what he goes through. I know that he’s your best friend, but Lukas is going to have a very hard time controlling his own emotions, and he needs someone to guide him through this.” Bastian felt slightly cowed by the doctor’s comments, almost as though the man had read his mind. He knew he was right. He couldn’t let his anger control him. The doctors were probably doing all they could and he couldn’t afford to be angry with them, especially as it might impede their work. “We won’t know for a few days, Bastian, anything certain about his condition. We all have to be patient. Let us do our jobs and you do yours. You probably have the most important one.” Dr. Stahl smiled again at him, laying a hand on his shoulder and squeezing it gently before walking away to another room.
Bastian slipped back into Lukas’ room, noting with relief that he was still sleeping. He slid back onto the bed alongside Lukas, moving him slightly so Lukas’ head was nestled against his chest. He was going to follow the doctor’s orders and do his job, comforting Lukas. Bastian wanted Lukas to wake up and know that he was there.
Lukas wasn’t the only one who the stress was taking a toll on, though. Almost immediately after snuggling next to him, Bastian fell asleep. He hadn’t wanted to admit it, but he was so tired. All the constant worrying, the ups and downs of his emotions, it was all taking a toll and he hadn’t slept much the past two nights. But now, after speaking with the doctor and getting that reassurance that everyone was working on Lukas, with Lukas himself being asleep and Bastian not having to entertain him, his body took over and forced him into submission.
So the boys lay together, both sleeping, but both needing that contact they were experiencing. Everyone seemed to understand that they shouldn’t break the connection. Nurses slipped in and out of the room, checking on Lukas to make sure he was okay, smiling when they saw Bastian sleeping next to him. Lukas’ parents even, standing at the foot of the bed and knowing that it was okay that they couldn’t support Lukas the way he needed them to, because he obviously had someone who could. His mother cried again, the way she always cried when she visited Lukas but this time her tears weren’t so desperate. Lukas looked so calm, much calmer than he had since she’d seen him here. And Bastian, she had always enjoyed the other boy, not able to help but fuss over him like another son any time she saw him. He was taking care of her boy and she couldn’t help but cry and smile at the same time. Lukas was lucky to have Bastian. So they didn’t stay long, secure in the knowledge that Lukas was in good hands.
Hours passed and still they remained sleeping. Hospital staff had taken pity on them and brought dinners for both Lukas and Bastian, leaving them on the table by the bed with instructions to heat them in the nurses’ lunch room down the hall. Everyone it seemed, at one point or another, had popped their head into the room, stealing a quick peek at the pair, some still in shock that these were the same young men they watched on TV, the same ones they had cheered nearly a year ago during the World Cup and were cheering now during their qualifications for the European Cup. They looked so young and vulnerable lying there, clinging to each other. But no one disturbed them and the staff made certain that no one got into the room who shouldn’t. They had enough to worry about without the fear of crazed fans or media intruding on their space.
Lukas was the first one to wake. It was starting to get dark outside his window, and he moved his head just slightly. As Bastian had intended, when Lukas woke up in Bastian’s arms, it gave him the necessary comfort to forget momentarily about the events of just hours earlier. Maybe they hadn’t happened at all, and he’d been dreaming. But now it wasn’t so important, because Bastian was here and he felt better. His moving woke Bastian though, who reacted a little confusedly to being woken. “Lukas?” He sat up suddenly, a reaction that pushed Lukas onto his back.
Lukas scowled at Bastian, though he felt like laughing at him. Bastian hadn’t meant to fall asleep and now that he realized he had, he was embarrassed about it. “Sleep g-good?” Lukas grinned, unable to keep from teasing him.
Bastian glared at Lukas, which only made him smile. Bastian looked around the room and noticed the dinner trays. He looked back at Lukas and grinned. “Look at that, they brought me food too.”
Lukas laughed. “Lazy. They know.” Lukas was having some trouble getting his words out right at the moment but he didn’t really mind. Bastian would understand what he was saying.
Rising from the bed, Bastian walked over and picked up the trays, glancing over the food. It would definitely have to be re-heated. He wondered why no one had woken them. He felt a little foolish now for having fallen asleep. He did feel refreshed at least, but he was slightly embarrassed. He looked back at Lukas and narrowed his eyes. “I am not lazy. But I am hungry. So hungry that I could probably eat two meals right now…” He grinned at Lukas, who pouted back at him, as if on request.
“Again no.” They both laughed at the memory of lunch earlier that day. It seemed like it was so long ago to Bastian, days instead of hours. The afternoon had really taken a toll on him. So with a still devious grin directed at Lukas, he took the meals and headed off in search of the lunch room, receiving directions from one of the nurses on call that evening. He wasn’t quite sure if he liked the way the nurse was grinning at him though, like she was keeping some devious secret from him.
He returned a few minutes later with the food, settling next to Lukas and turning on the TV again while they ate. He let Lukas try to navigate the food himself, pleased that he could manage to get a grip on the fresh vegetables and eat them on his own, even though he sometimes ended up missing his mouth. It was a minor setback though, and he seemed to be happy enough to at least be able to try.
Part of Bastian wanted to ask Lukas about what had happened that afternoon at the review that had upset him so much. But he didn’t want to risk upsetting him again, so he kept the questions for later. Or perhaps Lukas would bring it up on his own. For now, they both deserved a relaxing dinner settled together, eyes on the screen and mouths occupied with food. They were both content for the time being, happy to just be together. Once Lukas finished eating the vegetables, Bastian cut up the steak into small pieces that Lukas could pick up, doing the same thing with the slices of bread cut from a baguette.
When they finished he moved the trays off to the table again and resumed his place next to Lukas on the bed. He really wanted to ask about the review with the doctors. Should he push Lukas to talk about it? He seemed pretty happy now, but what if he was just blocking out the anguish he’d felt over it? If he ignored it long enough, it might break him later. “Lukas?” He decided to at least ask Lukas if he wanted to talk about it. If Lukas said no, then he wouldn’t push.
“What?” Lukas had leaned his head against Bastian’s shoulder, comfortably slumped against the older boy.
Bastian hesitated momentarily before asking the question he was dreading the reaction to. “Do you want to talk about what happened this afternoon?” He really hoped the question wouldn’t upset Lukas too much.
Lukas was silent, contemplating the request. He did want to talk about it, sort of. But talking about it would probably only make him remember how helpless he’d felt during the whole thing. Did he want to bring that up again now? Maybe he should put it off until the morning. He was sure Bastian would understand.
“It’s okay if you don’t.” Bastian suddenly felt like he shouldn’t have asked. Had he upset Lukas? “I just wanted you to know that if you do want to talk about it, I’ll listen.” The worry was evident in Bastian’s voice, but it was also clear that Bastian didn’t want to push him.
Lukas smiled. It was so obvious to him that Bastian wanted to know. When he thought back to the way Bastian had found him, he couldn’t really blame his friend. Maybe he should tell him. Explain to him why he had been such a mess. Explain what it felt like. Maybe he wouldn’t get so upset over it with Bastian here to comfort him. “Worried mm-me.” He pushed himself closer to Bastian, instinctively searching for that physical comfort. “Nothing works. Talk is, is hard. Walk, nothing. Lots of f-frustra, ting.”
Bastian put both arms around Lukas, wishing he could do more. “I wish I’d been there.”
“Not mm-me.” That was only half true. He had wanted Bastian there to comfort him, but he also hadn’t wanted Bastian to have to watch him struggle. “You be, up-set, to see m-me.”
“Lukas, the fact that you’re even in here upsets me.” Bastian worried now that Lukas might hide things from him, he worried that he might not tell him the full truth about his condition. How could Lukas possibly be thinking about protecting him, when he was the one who was broken?
“Was trust bad. Thinking, no. When try-ing f-focus, th-think of tom, orrow, m-maybe no better. I panic, doctors so frus-strate with mm-me.” Lukas frowned at the memory. He’d been so disappointed with himself and his poor reactions. The doctors had to have been hoping for better.
“Lukas, the doctors aren’t frustrated with you.” Bastian was a little surprised at the comment. Did Lukas really think that? “They understand why you can’t do anything properly. It’s not your fault that you’re having so much trouble; it’s normal after such a severe concussion. Didn’t they explain that to you?”
It was obvious from the look on Lukas’ face that they hadn’t. So Bastian did instead. He explained to Lukas about all the possibilities the doctor had told him of, that it usually takes time for the body to react to signals sent from the brain, that his body was still in the process of waking up, as the doctor had put it. It needed to be re-taught how to do everything. It would take some time before any real progress was made and that it was important that no matter how hard or frustrating it may get, that he had to keep trying. The depth of his recovery was really up to Lukas himself, the therapists and doctors could only give him the tools to help him along.
“I, of course, will be here to offer all the moral support you could ever dream of having.” He grinned at Lukas and heard the other boy laugh.
“Oh, w-wonder full.”
“Hey! I could be doing numerous other things, you know, instead of spending all my time here with you. I should have been at practice today, you know, but I called in sick.” That much was true. He was meeting with his agent later to discuss this situation, because even though he knew he had a responsibility to go back to training, he just didn't think he was able to with Lukas like this. He couldn't think if he wasn't with him. The thought of having to leave him on his own all day while he was off playing football bothered him to the core. So he was going to talk to his agent, and he was going to tell him to work something out with the club. He didn't care what would have to be offered - he simply wasn't going to return to training until Lukas could function on his own.
Lukas smiled when Bastian told him that. He laid his arm across Bastian’s chest, snuggling closer to him. “Glad Basti here. Hard, with n-no y-you.” He was being as serious as he’d ever been and it tugged at Bastian’s very core.
“Lukas, how could I possibly be anywhere else right now?” He hoped Lukas believed that. He hoped he understood how important he was to Bastian, how much he valued their friendship. This was testing them in a way they never thought they could be tested, and Bastian wasn’t hesitating to let Lukas know his answer to the test.
Lukas was thinking similar thoughts, happy and a little surprised that Bastian was being so loyal and devoted. He’d always known that Bastian valued him as much as he valued the other, but this was a situation neither had ever imagined and Lukas felt so happy to know that Bastian wasn’t going to leave him behind. He wanted make sure Bastian understood how much it meant to him. “Lucky for mm-me, Basti. When worry, f-feel better, when y-you. You mm-make calm.”
Bastian smiled and his fingers played with Lukas’ ear. “I noticed that.” This was the first time they had ever really verbalized how much they cared about each other. Something about it felt right, sharing these emotions out loud for only them to hear. It had always been obvious to everyone how close they were, but this was different. It was personal and private and belonged only to them. Even though they knew how important they were to each other, they had to say it.
“We’ll get you better, Lukas. It won’t feel right, doing anything without you there. It might take some time, more time than we’d like, but I won’t give up on you. Even if you start to give up on yourself, I’ll be right there to pick you up. I promise.” He kissed Lukas on the forehead, right above his eye, and kept his lips pressed there after the kiss.
Lukas just smiled and closed his eyes. “Thank, Basti.”