disquiet days
I woke up this morning thinking that Matt was seeing someone already. after talking to Nico over AIM, i found out that i was wrong. Which is good, i don't think i could handle him with another guy right now.
Tonight's rehersal was cancelled so Moses and i went props shopping. The whole time i was conciously trying to not allow myself to just let things happen. What i mean is that, being in wal-mart (with him) made me feel as though i was dating him. I wanted to hold his hand and all that stupid crap. but i couldn't for a lot of reasons, the strongest one being is that he is straight and his g/f is in Taiwan. You know you got it bad when your straight friends start to become appealing to you. Not that Moses isn't attractive, it's just that nothing will ever happen there--kinda the same way that nothing will happen with Matt only more so.
I keep telling myself that i have to study for my German test tomorrow, and yet i can't seem to find where to begin or even what to do. I hate this. For the past couple of weeks i've been trying to imerse myself in the video games and Angel episodes i've been watching with my neighbor. Then i go home to sleep but i can't because there are all the issues that i'm trying to be away from. I've been trying to not think about them--shove them in the back where they should be, out of the way--but i can't anymore. The storage spaces are full: family issues, inadequeceys, and fantasies and desires never to be realized ... it's all piling up and i have no way to make it decrease. The older i get, the hard things seem to be getting. I've lost my motivation, my drive and now i'm not waving but drowning. And so it goes.
i'll come out of my emotional catatonic state eventually, someday when my soul can breathe. I have to believe that it will get easier, that i won't die alone. And yet i have my doubts, multiplying exponentially. when does the scale change, when do things get better? I keep saying things will become okay, but they never really seem to.
I'm just going to stop now. Stare at my German in the hopes that things will click.
Tonight's rehersal was cancelled so Moses and i went props shopping. The whole time i was conciously trying to not allow myself to just let things happen. What i mean is that, being in wal-mart (with him) made me feel as though i was dating him. I wanted to hold his hand and all that stupid crap. but i couldn't for a lot of reasons, the strongest one being is that he is straight and his g/f is in Taiwan. You know you got it bad when your straight friends start to become appealing to you. Not that Moses isn't attractive, it's just that nothing will ever happen there--kinda the same way that nothing will happen with Matt only more so.
I keep telling myself that i have to study for my German test tomorrow, and yet i can't seem to find where to begin or even what to do. I hate this. For the past couple of weeks i've been trying to imerse myself in the video games and Angel episodes i've been watching with my neighbor. Then i go home to sleep but i can't because there are all the issues that i'm trying to be away from. I've been trying to not think about them--shove them in the back where they should be, out of the way--but i can't anymore. The storage spaces are full: family issues, inadequeceys, and fantasies and desires never to be realized ... it's all piling up and i have no way to make it decrease. The older i get, the hard things seem to be getting. I've lost my motivation, my drive and now i'm not waving but drowning. And so it goes.
i'll come out of my emotional catatonic state eventually, someday when my soul can breathe. I have to believe that it will get easier, that i won't die alone. And yet i have my doubts, multiplying exponentially. when does the scale change, when do things get better? I keep saying things will become okay, but they never really seem to.
I'm just going to stop now. Stare at my German in the hopes that things will click.