Saudayi_Yemanya
You know, I barely use this thing anymore. I don't think anyone even reads it besides me.
I guess there really hasn't been much I've felt was important enough for me to sit down and write about. until now.
Today, at 1:21 PM, I recieved some news, that turned me upside down, something that really hit me and was unexpected in every sense of the word.
On friday, February 4th, the first woman I ever loved commited suicide.
I was really surprised that her mother bothered to look me up and let me know what had happened. I always had the idea that I wasn't well liked by her family, but regardless, I am very grateful that she took the time to inform me as I'm sure it wasn't something easy for her to deal with. I'm sure none of this has been easy to deal with, for those of us who cared about her.
I wish I could say we were close, but after our break up years ago we've been more on and off again friends.
I guess it's something I took for granted, thinking we'd always be around, tomorrow was another day, who knows when we'll meet again.
Now it just feels like time was wasted, and how horrible it feels that I wasn't there when her time was darkest and her need was most dire.
For those that knew us both or my friends who knew about her, it was never a doubt that our relationship was odd.
It's true it was rocky, that maybe it was something that could never be. But that didn't stop me from caring for her. It's something I feel she felt as well, that despite whatever happened between us there was love and those one way or another we could find a way to show it, be it friendship or lovers.
I guess what really hits me is that I still have no clear idea what could drive her to such a drastic state, what could make her feel so horrible, so defeated that'd she think that was her only out, her only release.
I know not to blame myself, but personally, I'll always regret not having been around, to at least know what it was she was going thru. It's really a selfish thought, it would've only cleared up my head from all these questions I have, questions I'm sure I might have to take to my own grave.
My real regret however, is the last conversation I ever had with her. I'll regret it for as long as live, if I live a full and mentally healthy life.
8/7/2004 9:32:25 PM Sheum Dragon RaVeN NeVeRMoRe - "My Birthday Present Is For You To Go Away" Dios!!!
8/7/2004 9:32:35 PM Sheum Dragon RaVeN NeVeRMoRe - "My Birthday Present Is For You To Go Away" Tu...
8/7/2004 9:32:36 PM Sheum Dragon RaVeN NeVeRMoRe - "My Birthday Present Is For You To Go Away" Ex...
8/7/2004 9:32:40 PM Sheum Dragon RaVeN NeVeRMoRe - "My Birthday Present Is For You To Go Away" Me encarbona
8/7/2004 9:32:44 PM Sheum Dragon RaVeN NeVeRMoRe - "My Birthday Present Is For You To Go Away" ENCABRONA.
8/7/2004 9:33:06 PM RaVeN NeVeRMoRe - "My Birthday Present Is For You To Go Away" Sheum Dragon Tatiana que tu quieres?
8/7/2004 9:33:40 PM RaVeN NeVeRMoRe - "My Birthday Present Is For You To Go Away" Sheum Dragon I got enough shit going on sin que tu vengas ahora con tus inventos
8/7/2004 9:33:45 PM Sheum Dragon RaVeN NeVeRMoRe - "My Birthday Present Is For You To Go Away" No se ella es la que esta ahi con mierdas
8/7/2004 9:33:54 PM RaVeN NeVeRMoRe - "My Birthday Present Is For You To Go Away" Sheum Dragon pues block her
8/7/2004 9:34:02 PM RaVeN NeVeRMoRe - "My Birthday Present Is For You To Go Away" Sheum Dragon como hice yo, la jodia loca esa psycho
8/7/2004 9:34:06 PM Sheum Dragon RaVeN NeVeRMoRe - "My Birthday Present Is For You To Go Away" nice.
8/7/2004 9:34:12 PM RaVeN NeVeRMoRe - "My Birthday Present Is For You To Go Away" Sheum Dragon ella no es nada mio
8/7/2004 9:34:16 PM RaVeN NeVeRMoRe - "My Birthday Present Is For You To Go Away" Sheum Dragon era mi amiga
8/7/2004 9:34:24 PM RaVeN NeVeRMoRe - "My Birthday Present Is For You To Go Away" Sheum Dragon y se invento todo eso en la cabeza
8/7/2004 9:34:39 PM Sheum Dragon RaVeN NeVeRMoRe - "My Birthday Present Is For You To Go Away" jHajha mano tu aparentas tener un pilon con MIEL para las Psychos....
8/7/2004 9:34:52 PM RaVeN NeVeRMoRe - "My Birthday Present Is For You To Go Away" Sheum Dragon de la misma manera que me invente en mi cabeza que yo te importaba y que lo que tuvimos tenia algun valor
8/7/2004 9:35:04 PM RaVeN NeVeRMoRe - "My Birthday Present Is For You To Go Away" Sheum Dragon yep y empese contigo
8/7/2004 9:35:11 PM RaVeN NeVeRMoRe - "My Birthday Present Is For You To Go Away" Sheum Dragon Ya yo no brego cone sto
8/7/2004 9:35:17 PM RaVeN NeVeRMoRe - "My Birthday Present Is For You To Go Away" Sheum Dragon yo estoy feliz, y tranquilo
8/7/2004 9:35:27 PM RaVeN NeVeRMoRe - "My Birthday Present Is For You To Go Away" Sheum Dragon y no necesito que ella
I told her "I was a fool ever to think she cared about me or that we once had meant something". I shit on her feelings and my own. I'm glad she never heard those words come from my lips.
I know her death is not my fault, I know she was dealing with many problems even if I do not know what they were. I know this wont fix anything and it wont bring her back and beating myself over it won't change things.
But I feel if I just paste this, how I feel, here right now, It will just make it right somehow. This is very personal, it's not the kind of thing I like to share but for what it's worth it's my public apology to you Tatiana, wherever you are.
I love you, I always did I always will, you were a real friend to me. I'll take that with me wherever I go from now till my own end, Tatiana.
I guess there really hasn't been much I've felt was important enough for me to sit down and write about. until now.
Today, at 1:21 PM, I recieved some news, that turned me upside down, something that really hit me and was unexpected in every sense of the word.
On friday, February 4th, the first woman I ever loved commited suicide.
I was really surprised that her mother bothered to look me up and let me know what had happened. I always had the idea that I wasn't well liked by her family, but regardless, I am very grateful that she took the time to inform me as I'm sure it wasn't something easy for her to deal with. I'm sure none of this has been easy to deal with, for those of us who cared about her.
I wish I could say we were close, but after our break up years ago we've been more on and off again friends.
I guess it's something I took for granted, thinking we'd always be around, tomorrow was another day, who knows when we'll meet again.
Now it just feels like time was wasted, and how horrible it feels that I wasn't there when her time was darkest and her need was most dire.
For those that knew us both or my friends who knew about her, it was never a doubt that our relationship was odd.
It's true it was rocky, that maybe it was something that could never be. But that didn't stop me from caring for her. It's something I feel she felt as well, that despite whatever happened between us there was love and those one way or another we could find a way to show it, be it friendship or lovers.
I guess what really hits me is that I still have no clear idea what could drive her to such a drastic state, what could make her feel so horrible, so defeated that'd she think that was her only out, her only release.
I know not to blame myself, but personally, I'll always regret not having been around, to at least know what it was she was going thru. It's really a selfish thought, it would've only cleared up my head from all these questions I have, questions I'm sure I might have to take to my own grave.
My real regret however, is the last conversation I ever had with her. I'll regret it for as long as live, if I live a full and mentally healthy life.
8/7/2004 9:32:25 PM Sheum Dragon RaVeN NeVeRMoRe - "My Birthday Present Is For You To Go Away" Dios!!!
8/7/2004 9:32:35 PM Sheum Dragon RaVeN NeVeRMoRe - "My Birthday Present Is For You To Go Away" Tu...
8/7/2004 9:32:36 PM Sheum Dragon RaVeN NeVeRMoRe - "My Birthday Present Is For You To Go Away" Ex...
8/7/2004 9:32:40 PM Sheum Dragon RaVeN NeVeRMoRe - "My Birthday Present Is For You To Go Away" Me encarbona
8/7/2004 9:32:44 PM Sheum Dragon RaVeN NeVeRMoRe - "My Birthday Present Is For You To Go Away" ENCABRONA.
8/7/2004 9:33:06 PM RaVeN NeVeRMoRe - "My Birthday Present Is For You To Go Away" Sheum Dragon Tatiana que tu quieres?
8/7/2004 9:33:40 PM RaVeN NeVeRMoRe - "My Birthday Present Is For You To Go Away" Sheum Dragon I got enough shit going on sin que tu vengas ahora con tus inventos
8/7/2004 9:33:45 PM Sheum Dragon RaVeN NeVeRMoRe - "My Birthday Present Is For You To Go Away" No se ella es la que esta ahi con mierdas
8/7/2004 9:33:54 PM RaVeN NeVeRMoRe - "My Birthday Present Is For You To Go Away" Sheum Dragon pues block her
8/7/2004 9:34:02 PM RaVeN NeVeRMoRe - "My Birthday Present Is For You To Go Away" Sheum Dragon como hice yo, la jodia loca esa psycho
8/7/2004 9:34:06 PM Sheum Dragon RaVeN NeVeRMoRe - "My Birthday Present Is For You To Go Away" nice.
8/7/2004 9:34:12 PM RaVeN NeVeRMoRe - "My Birthday Present Is For You To Go Away" Sheum Dragon ella no es nada mio
8/7/2004 9:34:16 PM RaVeN NeVeRMoRe - "My Birthday Present Is For You To Go Away" Sheum Dragon era mi amiga
8/7/2004 9:34:24 PM RaVeN NeVeRMoRe - "My Birthday Present Is For You To Go Away" Sheum Dragon y se invento todo eso en la cabeza
8/7/2004 9:34:39 PM Sheum Dragon RaVeN NeVeRMoRe - "My Birthday Present Is For You To Go Away" jHajha mano tu aparentas tener un pilon con MIEL para las Psychos....
8/7/2004 9:34:52 PM RaVeN NeVeRMoRe - "My Birthday Present Is For You To Go Away" Sheum Dragon de la misma manera que me invente en mi cabeza que yo te importaba y que lo que tuvimos tenia algun valor
8/7/2004 9:35:04 PM RaVeN NeVeRMoRe - "My Birthday Present Is For You To Go Away" Sheum Dragon yep y empese contigo
8/7/2004 9:35:11 PM RaVeN NeVeRMoRe - "My Birthday Present Is For You To Go Away" Sheum Dragon Ya yo no brego cone sto
8/7/2004 9:35:17 PM RaVeN NeVeRMoRe - "My Birthday Present Is For You To Go Away" Sheum Dragon yo estoy feliz, y tranquilo
8/7/2004 9:35:27 PM RaVeN NeVeRMoRe - "My Birthday Present Is For You To Go Away" Sheum Dragon y no necesito que ella
I told her "I was a fool ever to think she cared about me or that we once had meant something". I shit on her feelings and my own. I'm glad she never heard those words come from my lips.
I know her death is not my fault, I know she was dealing with many problems even if I do not know what they were. I know this wont fix anything and it wont bring her back and beating myself over it won't change things.
But I feel if I just paste this, how I feel, here right now, It will just make it right somehow. This is very personal, it's not the kind of thing I like to share but for what it's worth it's my public apology to you Tatiana, wherever you are.
I love you, I always did I always will, you were a real friend to me. I'll take that with me wherever I go from now till my own end, Tatiana.