Chasing Amy
JAY
(to Silent Bob)
Look at this touchy mother fucker
right here.
(to Holden)
So, if you’re all in love with her,
what’s the problem?
HOLDEN
The problem is shit like that. It was
one thing when it was just girls -
that was weird enough. But now you
throw guys into the mix - two guys at
once, no less. All that
experience...What am I supposed to
think?
JAY
You think good; because now she’ll be
all true blue and shit. The girl’s
tasted life, yo. Now she’s settlin’
for your boring, funny-book-makin’
ass.
HOLDEN
Settling. That’s comforting, Jay.
Thanks.
JAY
That’s what I’m here for.
HOLDEN
I’m lust having a problem with all of
it I can’t get it out of my head these
visuals of her doing all this shit.
And I don’t know why I can’t let it
go. Because I’m crazy about her, you
know? I look at this girl, I see the
future. I see kids. I see grand-
kids.
JAY
You’re scaring me.
HOLDEN
I’m scaring myself. Because I think
so much of her, and then I can’t get
over shit like ‘Finger Cuffs’.
(shakes his head)
I don’t know what I’m doing.
(Holden looks out the window. Jay continues to roll his
joint. There’s silence. Then...)
BOB
You’re chasing Amy.
(Holden’s head snaps forward. He stares, wide-eyed at
Silent Bob.)
HOLDEN
What..what did you say?
BOB
You’re chasing Amy.
(Holden stares, shocked. He looks to Jay, who’s still
rolling his joint.)
JAY
What do you look so shocked for? He
does this all the time. Fat bastard
thinks just because he never says
anything, that it’ll have some huge
impact when he does open his fucking
mouth.
BOB
Why don’t you shut up? Jesus! Always
yap, yap, yapping all the time. Give
me a fucking headache.
(to Holden)
I went through something like what
you’re going through. Years ago.
Same kind of thing with a girl named
Amy.
JAY
When?
BOB
A couple of years ago.
JAY
What’d she ‘Live in Canada’ or
something? Why don’t I remember this?
BOB
What you don’t know about me I can
just about squeeze into the Grand
fucking Canyon. Did you know I always
wanted to be a dancer in Vegas?
(Jay and Holden look at him. Silent Bob busts a move with
his hands.)
BOB
Hunhh? Bet you didn’t know that?
JAY
Just cell your fucking story so we can
get out of here and smoke this.
BOB
(to Holden)
So there’s me an Amy, and we’re all
inseparable, right? Just big time in
love. And then about four months in,
I ask about the ex-boyfriend. Dumb
move, I know, but you know how it is -
you don’t really want to know, but you
just have to... stupid guy bullshit.
Anyway she starts telling me all about
him - how they dated for years, lived
together, her mother likes me better,
blah, blah, blah - and I’m okay. But
then she tells me that a couple times,
he brought other people to bed with
them - menage a tois, I believe it’s
called. Now this just blows my mind.
I mean, I’m not used to that sort of
thing, right? I was raised Catholic.
JAY
Saint Shithead.
(Silent Bob backhands him. Jay raises his fist as if to
strike.)
BOB
Do something.
(to Holden)
So I get weirded out, and just start
blasting her, right? This is the only
way I can deal with it - by calling
her a slut, and telling her that she
was used - I mean, I’m out for blood I
want to hurt her - because I don’t
know how to deal with what I’m
feeling. And I’m like "What the fuck
is wrong with you?" and she’s telling
me that it was that time, in that
place, and she didn’t do anything
wrong, so she’s not gonna apologize.
So I tell her it’s over, and I walk.
JAY
Fucking a.
BOB
No, idiot. It was a mistake. I
wasn’t disgusted with her, I was
afraid. At that moment, I felt small -
like I’d lacked experience, like I’d
never be on her level or never be
enough for her or something.
And what I didn’t get was that she
didn’t care. She wasn’t looking for
that guy anymore. She was looking for
me. But by the time I realized this,
it was too late, you know. She’d
moved on, and all I had to show for it
was some foolish pride, which then
gave way to regret. She was the girl,
I know that now. But I pushed her
away...
(Everyone’s silent Silent Bob lights a cigarette.)
BOB
So I’ve spent every day since then
chasing Amy...
(takes a drag from his smoke)
So to speak.
(They sit there for a beat. Jay pockets the rest of his
dime-bag.)
JAY
Enough of this fucking melodrama. My
advice - forget her, dude. There’s
one woman in the world. One woman,
with many faces.
(to Silent Bob)
Get up, bitch
(to Holden)
We gotta book. We’re catching a bus
to Chi-town.
HOLDEN
What’s there?
JAY
Business, yo. How many more of those
phat envelopes do we got coming to us?
HOLDEN
I don’t know. I don’t know if the
book’s going to be around much longer.
JAY
Yeah? Good. I’ll be glad as shit
when it’s gone.
HOLDEN
Are you kidding me? There’s millions
of people out there that’d love to see
themselves in a comic book.
JAY
I know. I spend every fucking waking
hour with one of them. But it ain’t
like us at all - all slapsticky and
shit - running around like dicks,
saying... What’s that shit you got me
saying?
HOLDEN
Snootchie-bootchies.
JAY
‘Snootchie-bootchies’. Who talks like
that? That’s baby-talk.
(slaps his hand)
It’s a big world, g - but we’re bound
to run into you again. Until then -
keep your unit on you.
HOLDEN
I’ll try.
BOB
Do, or do not - there is no ay.
JAY
(slaps him)
Knock it off! Get your fat ass moving
- we got a bus to catch.
(under his breath)
Jedi-bitch.
(Exit Jay and Silent Bob. Holden remains in the booth,
thinking.)
