I'm such an emotionally fucked up person. I just don't know the clinical term for it.
So, Prom was last night. Some people were having fun dancing. Some people were having fun socializing. Some people were even having fun getting their pictures taken and visiting a crappy little buffet.
I, personally, was in a corner wishing I could just kill myself and get it all over with.
My wonderful day started with my mom smacking me awake, saying "Jeff, it's 10:30. Get up. Aaron says he went to sleep at 1:00 and you were still on the computer. That was a STUPID thing to do, you know you're staying up late tomorrow night. Now get out of bed and go have breakfast."
hooray for sympathetic moms.
She was the one that forced me to go. Well, her and Kate REALLY wanting to, but mostly my mom.
And for those who don't know this about me, forcing me to do anything is the most degrading thing anyone can do to me. It really, really bugs me.
Cut to dinner, me sitting uncomfortably at a table at Randi's, listening to Natasha bad-mouth Aaron for fourty minutes. Crap I don't want to hear, crap no one wants to hear but Natasha's going to say it anyway.
Cut to walking in, seeing lots of drama people, half of them in tails and top hats (myself included), happy, thinking this will turn out ok.
Cut to five minutes later, me sitting glum at a chair in the corner. The music starts, and my energy just leaves me. I feel sick to my stomach, sit down, and quickly start feeling crappier and crappier.
Then, as an attempt to save the evening, Ryland and I go off in search of the punch bowl. I figure, hey, my friends are here, I can have fun, right?
We find some punch, start sipping at it, and Kyle walks up to me.
"Jeff, if you don't get back over there (gesturing to where I was), Kate's going to go ballistic. She's so upset at you. Just get going. Now."
Apparantly, while I was trying to make myself feel better, a slow song had started, Kate wanted to dance, and couldn't find me. (right when the dancing started, she moved off into the crowd. I hadn't seen her for fifteen minutes)
So, I rush over to where I was sitting, Kate isn't upset at all and is confused by the apologies I deliver to her, and I feel like I've made an utter ass of myself. Thanks Kyle, you Fucking asshole.
That tips me over the edge. I just can't stand up anymore. I sit down in my chair and don't move for an hour. I'm a severe mixture of pissed off and very upset, which, sadly, is the least romantic mood a person can be in.
So, when the next slow song starts, I can't bring myself to dance with Kate. I hope it didn't hurt her feelings too much, but I felt no love that night. For anyone. Including myself.
Cut to 11:30, the dance is ending. I've gotten up three times. Once to get punch, twice to force myself to dance with Kate, even though I felt like throwing up the whole time. I'm just waiting for it to be over so I can go home. People didn't seem to get the hint that I didn't want company, didn't want to 'talk about it', I just wanted to sit and try to pull myself out of it. If anyone interferes with that, I drop back to the bottom.
Everyone either patted me on the back or asked if I was ok, even the counselor. And I think he suspected I was drunk or something.
Cut to midnight, I'm in Kyle's truck getting driven home. I'm so exhausted I can't even hold Kate's hand. They're talking, I'm staring out the window.
Ryland spent the night. Talking to him for five minutes made me feel better. I think he's the only person I hang out with who has the same problem.
We watched the first forty minutes or so of Fritz Lang's "M", a kickass old movie.
I went to bed feeling crappy, but not so crappy.
Why can't people just believe me when I say "I don't like dances?"
I, personally, was in a corner wishing I could just kill myself and get it all over with.
My wonderful day started with my mom smacking me awake, saying "Jeff, it's 10:30. Get up. Aaron says he went to sleep at 1:00 and you were still on the computer. That was a STUPID thing to do, you know you're staying up late tomorrow night. Now get out of bed and go have breakfast."
hooray for sympathetic moms.
She was the one that forced me to go. Well, her and Kate REALLY wanting to, but mostly my mom.
And for those who don't know this about me, forcing me to do anything is the most degrading thing anyone can do to me. It really, really bugs me.
Cut to dinner, me sitting uncomfortably at a table at Randi's, listening to Natasha bad-mouth Aaron for fourty minutes. Crap I don't want to hear, crap no one wants to hear but Natasha's going to say it anyway.
Cut to walking in, seeing lots of drama people, half of them in tails and top hats (myself included), happy, thinking this will turn out ok.
Cut to five minutes later, me sitting glum at a chair in the corner. The music starts, and my energy just leaves me. I feel sick to my stomach, sit down, and quickly start feeling crappier and crappier.
Then, as an attempt to save the evening, Ryland and I go off in search of the punch bowl. I figure, hey, my friends are here, I can have fun, right?
We find some punch, start sipping at it, and Kyle walks up to me.
"Jeff, if you don't get back over there (gesturing to where I was), Kate's going to go ballistic. She's so upset at you. Just get going. Now."
Apparantly, while I was trying to make myself feel better, a slow song had started, Kate wanted to dance, and couldn't find me. (right when the dancing started, she moved off into the crowd. I hadn't seen her for fifteen minutes)
So, I rush over to where I was sitting, Kate isn't upset at all and is confused by the apologies I deliver to her, and I feel like I've made an utter ass of myself. Thanks Kyle, you Fucking asshole.
That tips me over the edge. I just can't stand up anymore. I sit down in my chair and don't move for an hour. I'm a severe mixture of pissed off and very upset, which, sadly, is the least romantic mood a person can be in.
So, when the next slow song starts, I can't bring myself to dance with Kate. I hope it didn't hurt her feelings too much, but I felt no love that night. For anyone. Including myself.
Cut to 11:30, the dance is ending. I've gotten up three times. Once to get punch, twice to force myself to dance with Kate, even though I felt like throwing up the whole time. I'm just waiting for it to be over so I can go home. People didn't seem to get the hint that I didn't want company, didn't want to 'talk about it', I just wanted to sit and try to pull myself out of it. If anyone interferes with that, I drop back to the bottom.
Everyone either patted me on the back or asked if I was ok, even the counselor. And I think he suspected I was drunk or something.
Cut to midnight, I'm in Kyle's truck getting driven home. I'm so exhausted I can't even hold Kate's hand. They're talking, I'm staring out the window.
Ryland spent the night. Talking to him for five minutes made me feel better. I think he's the only person I hang out with who has the same problem.
We watched the first forty minutes or so of Fritz Lang's "M", a kickass old movie.
I went to bed feeling crappy, but not so crappy.
Why can't people just believe me when I say "I don't like dances?"