2:28 in the morning and about 5 minutes til
so i feel the triple venti caramel macchiato running through my veins that i conveniently drank around 11 pm. why did i drink coffee this late not to mention how concentrated it was is a question that i don't have the answer to. anyways so i'm listening to prodigy, grandaddy, and a lil mos def (thanks to a lil comment made by erika (there is your lil shout out)). i noticed that i listen to a damn large ass variety of music. whether it is "i-rap-about-having-as-many-cars-as-the-breathes-i-take-in-one-day" rap to "i'm-going-to-pour-my-heart-out-because-i-lost-my-girlfriend-and-can't-find-my-pictures-of-my-shoes" emo, i listen to it all. i guess i like it all because it suits a mood i have at whatever moment i am listening to it. i think that without that much music my personality would be as static and boring as my nonexistent ass. listening to prodigy gets me hyped and want to party while listening to grandaddy balances that by making me want to chill and read or something. paintball is fun yet it's hilarious how i can have so much fun feeling the pain of a little ball hit my stomach or arm at a speed that has the capacity of making a bruise and the pores around it bleed. why are we so in love with violence when that is what brings us to hate?
so i heard about this song today called "bottle dreams" by Eyedea and it's supposedly about a girl who had a sexually abusive father. she would go to some bridge over some river and throw a bottle in with a cry for help message in hope that someone would answer it. well one day she had too much and she committed suicide by throwing herself in the river and when the cops or whoever found her, they found all the bottles at the bottom of the river. her messages never went anywhere which sucks but it made me think about prayer. the song symbolizes prayer to me. no matter how many bottles with messages i send for help they just sit at the bottom of the river. no matter how much i may have prayed before, those prayers might possibly have gone nowhere. i remember when my mom would tell me to pray and when my grandma, my sisters, and i would pray together before bed. what happened to all those prayers. were they just a waste of time that i could've used sleeping or did they actually mean something? did they actually reach some metaphysically divine creature so he/she/it would answer them? i just thought i found a connection between the two. i wish i would have some sort of religious enlightenment because i feel like i'm doing something wrong when my parents tell me i should believe in god yet i don't feel like i do. i wish for some sort of an experience that can help me see god, buddha, or jesus as long as it's something. i just feel so contradicted by it all. i don't understand it.
so i heard about this song today called "bottle dreams" by Eyedea and it's supposedly about a girl who had a sexually abusive father. she would go to some bridge over some river and throw a bottle in with a cry for help message in hope that someone would answer it. well one day she had too much and she committed suicide by throwing herself in the river and when the cops or whoever found her, they found all the bottles at the bottom of the river. her messages never went anywhere which sucks but it made me think about prayer. the song symbolizes prayer to me. no matter how many bottles with messages i send for help they just sit at the bottom of the river. no matter how much i may have prayed before, those prayers might possibly have gone nowhere. i remember when my mom would tell me to pray and when my grandma, my sisters, and i would pray together before bed. what happened to all those prayers. were they just a waste of time that i could've used sleeping or did they actually mean something? did they actually reach some metaphysically divine creature so he/she/it would answer them? i just thought i found a connection between the two. i wish i would have some sort of religious enlightenment because i feel like i'm doing something wrong when my parents tell me i should believe in god yet i don't feel like i do. i wish for some sort of an experience that can help me see god, buddha, or jesus as long as it's something. i just feel so contradicted by it all. i don't understand it.