Dec 31, 2003 14:15
Happy New Year all!!!
All in all for me, 2003 was a pretty good year. Just as I expected (I called it on the roof of last year's NYE party), this year was very short but it was a WHOLE lot better than last year. For most of 2002, I did nothing and was in a self-loathing funk that I rarely came out of. I was also looking to my vices as too much of a salvation.
Saturated in my own "I hate myself, I want to die" rut, I was beginning to feel out of place with the world, my friends, and family. So this year, I made a conscious effort to be more accessible to the world, as far as being more polite, cheerful, and less of an asshole (Hey, I said a conscious effort, I didn't say it was a total success). In the process, the people that inhabit the outside world were nicer and more talkative to me. Made me feel less of a leper. As far as "da homiez", while I do realize that the role I play amongst my friends has lessened, it's a part of life that I have to get used to. It's just hard to accept that sometimes, only because I'm the type of winner who hates change (btw Kimmie, the prediction about being 25 that I gave you at Pt. Magu still stands, not just with you, but with damn near everyone... prove me wrong). With my family, my parents' relationship was at the end of its rainbow. But money money money kept the sun shining. So I decided to take on a more active role with each and every person in my nuclear family. I once again became the glue of my family (something I've tried to avoid since I was 17). I'll have the audacity to say it, shit I've earned it. Our family looks in better shape now than it did this time last year. My family is my rock and I hope we never break.
Ahh.. but yes, 2003. The year I regained most of my confidence. The year my star shone a little bit brighter. The year I started believing in myself again. Things fell into place a little better this year. I got a job at the beginning of the year which was a total blessing, because it is one of the things that helped me gain my confidence. As capitalistic as it sounds, my ego grows every time someone gives me a credit card number to subscribe to jerkoff videos (I'm the fruit fly of the work force, a telemarketer). It lets me know that I've won something. I like being competitive, but only when it suits me, heheh. It also gave me something to do, and allowed me to make new friends, since I didn't go to school this year (something I really regret and will try to rectify). This year also brought back my belief in the Lord. I just hope he/she isn't mad I haven't been at church. I'll try harder this year, homey.
I think I had a whole new energy and outlook about me this year. I walk more with a swagger (not really, but yeah). It's more like a "I love myself and want to live" outlook. An energy and outlook I've tried to maintain for most of my life, however, I guess I got tired in '02. It's hard putting on that fake sometimes, ya know? I've learned to be a little more comfortable with myself, and am SOMEWHAT satisfied with who I am as a person although I think I have gotten dumber this year. Maybe it's because I've tried to stop talking like a pompous smartass, something I did in the past to overcompensate for my pea-sized brain.
Hopefully my current happiness isn't a phase and it can carry on over to next year, because the quest for self-improvement never ends.
2004 will be the year that I continue to believe in myself, post more in LJ, and lose 20 pounds. Well, maybe just believe in myself. heheh. =0)
I love everyone.
Happy 2004!!