(no subject)
wow. i think its been uh....forever since ive been on here. holy shit. haha. well i figured i would write since its the only thing that will help me these days. i barely have any cigarettes left. i think jeff is annoyed with me complainin about my life since i suck at it anyways. i just....gah there are sooo many things goin through my head. can i be home sick but not actually miss my home home, just chicago? cuz thats honestly what it is. well i miss jeff. like a lot a lot. but still. goin downtown and walking around and smokin reds and just goin into borders. i feel at home. i want to stay there forever. here.....well yes. its fun. i love the girls. i dont know what i would do without them. i feel as though im pullin away even though i feel i need them more than ever. if that made any sense? i dont want to explain it to them cuz i dont want them to get bummed out and nervous for me. i dont want them to worry if they even would. its not something for them to think about. i guess im gonna have to do it for myself. i miss vball. a lot. i like it without the coach pressure though. but i LOVE it with the game pressure!!! where its the nail biter and i feel more and more powerful. i want to take pictures. i want to travel the world. i want to see everything and help everyone. chuck-town is not workin out. i miss chicago way too much and the hussle and bussle of it all. i want to sit in borders forever. i miss goin to jeffs where there are only a sidewalk inbetween houses. im sick of suburbia. i might vomit from it all. i want to walk around downtown aimless and just see the stores and walk up and down navy pier. i want to do so many things! i dunno if psych is the right thing for me. i just dont. i think i would much rather do photography or interior design but my parents dont think that makes much money so it wouldnt go. i dont think they would support me if i went to an artsy school even if i loved it to death. i never talked to them about it. when i would try, it was either laughter or yelling at me that its stupid. so i never tried. i never tried to tell them what i wanted. maybe i feel like this is what i wanted after seeing all the colleges that i did. after having that certain image of how a college is suppose to be implanted in me but now im questioning it all. is this truly in my heart where i wanted to be? this is a typical college that my parents would approve of. hey theyre paying for it right? i should go where they want me to? no. im sick of that. this has been a stressful week. not to mention that im gonna be up at 5 in the morning trying to do my projects. itll be a splendid time. i love it here. but i love chicago more. i just dont know anymore. i dont know who could understand anymore. im just confused and scared.