(no subject)
we finally got our internet set up & working today after 3 mos. of living in our apartment. i love it here, my mind's been the same but the change in environment is helping a lot. i've a ton of responsibility now. with the internet running & all i can start another list of things i've been meaning to get down & accomplished. so much to do, so little samba. i just get overwhelmed so easily when responsibilities involve the outer world.
I’ve released what was hardly a friendship with Tiffany for good this time. right now I just read “why struggle to open a door between us when the whole wall is an illusion? - rumi” which seemed so appropriately timed, like a kind of assurance. it was a relationship built on nothing but an exchange of egos, me looking for someone to chew and her looking for someone to swallow. she is so much like a black hole to me that I can hardly remember when I’d once likened her to a sister, and after seeing that she doesn’t understand, or refuses to understand, the line of harassment I don’t know if I’ll ever remember it at all. I also don’t like her inclination towards black magic. I feel like I did some wronging in introducing her to these ideas, and this on the account of my own ego as I can barely try to grasp them myself. it’s tempting to see myself on the higher ground when I see someone act so small, a hunger growls in me; but that’s all part of the illusion, maybe she isn’t that small. whatever it may be it’s best to further my distance. I need to grow, or more so I want to grow since it’s been proven that it’s not always necessary to grow in order to stay alive. I want to grow, to survive & thrive. being too caught up in people who don’t really value my presence in their lives isn’t a part of it. loneliness isn’t desperation so why did I even bother? may the answer guide me. and unless we can grow, never again. goodbye.
I’ve released what was hardly a friendship with Tiffany for good this time. right now I just read “why struggle to open a door between us when the whole wall is an illusion? - rumi” which seemed so appropriately timed, like a kind of assurance. it was a relationship built on nothing but an exchange of egos, me looking for someone to chew and her looking for someone to swallow. she is so much like a black hole to me that I can hardly remember when I’d once likened her to a sister, and after seeing that she doesn’t understand, or refuses to understand, the line of harassment I don’t know if I’ll ever remember it at all. I also don’t like her inclination towards black magic. I feel like I did some wronging in introducing her to these ideas, and this on the account of my own ego as I can barely try to grasp them myself. it’s tempting to see myself on the higher ground when I see someone act so small, a hunger growls in me; but that’s all part of the illusion, maybe she isn’t that small. whatever it may be it’s best to further my distance. I need to grow, or more so I want to grow since it’s been proven that it’s not always necessary to grow in order to stay alive. I want to grow, to survive & thrive. being too caught up in people who don’t really value my presence in their lives isn’t a part of it. loneliness isn’t desperation so why did I even bother? may the answer guide me. and unless we can grow, never again. goodbye.