I'm in one of my potentially whining, certainly self-analyzing, and tired-but-not-tired-enough-to-sleep-so-I'll-write kind of moods. Largely a general update, too. ( Long Hidden Cut )
There's alot there. So, at least for present purposes, I shall limit my response to the "what if I'm not gay?" question.
What if you're not?
That is a question that you alone can answer... are you gay, and what does that mean, if you're not? Especially if you have an identity constructed around that fact.
But, please, please, don't make the criteria for that question whether you've had sex, whether you're interested in it, or whether you are a part of the "gay culture." That is putting such a double standard on to things.
(and I'm not saying it's you with the double standard--it's society.)
We don't believe someone's gay until you see that they have a boyfriend/girlfriend.. otherwise we assume heterosexuality. I know someone who met you and said, "I don't believe he's gay," because we have definite ideas about how gay people ought to be. Unfortunatley people don't fit into neat boxes. Not to contradict your Dawson's Creek quote, but we're not divided into "gay" people and "straight" people who are just totally different. There are more differences within each group than among the two groups in the aggregate.
Straight people don't define themselves by their heterosexuality, why do we insist that gay people define themselves by their homosexuality.
Could this be your issue? That you simply don't feel a part of the "gay culture" or feel like a gay person ought to feel/act? Because, that's good! Could it be that sexual orientation is just a part of ourselves, like other tastes and preferences we have that make us unique?
Perhaps the only reason that a gay culture exists is because it has had to because those who practice that "lifestyle" (you see now why that term is problematic) have been marginalized and not allowed to be just like anyone else. They can't mention their spouse at work without using gender non-specific terms. Like the movie last night--many of the gay men in San Fransisco in the bath houses were very promiscious. Now, is this a natural part of being gay? Or could it be that society made monogamy impossible/pretty darn hard? We do all we can to accomodate and encourage it for straight people. Gay people can't talk about spouses at work, couldn't adopt children (which often hold straight relationships together), didn't feel legally bound, couldn't go out in public many places and so didn't have the same suppot network, often were in the closet so relationships are a source of guilt.. the list could go on and on and on.
I'm straight. I'm a virgin. I don't have a great big interest in sex right now, thus I don't really participate in the "straight culture." Yet very few would question whether I was straight.
Maybe you're not interested in sex because sex for you is more about the relationship itself and without an actual person there (for whom you feel more than just attraction), you see very little purpose for it. Certainly that's how I feel. If I were in a relationship, I might come to care more about sex. Now... enh.
Or, maybe you never will want to have sex. A recent study showed that there are a whole lot of people like that. It's not that they don't enter into deep, loving relationships. They just don't care about sex. That doesn't make them any less of who they identify themselves as.
So, you know, it may be that you're not gay. But that's something that YOU alone have to figure out. Not society, not people who make comments, but you. But don't believe that you can only be gay if you meet all these "requirements" that we set for "proving" that someone is really gay.
I'm here for ya if you ever wanna talk about it. But I totally understand that this is an issue that I won't be much help with. I'm good for hugs though. Or movies. Or coffee. Or Hastings. Or walking the track.
::leans:: Talking to me as a friend, or talking to others who may read to give a lesson in society? ;)
Either way, thanks for posting. Yeah, it does come down to something I have to work out, like most things. This is part of my typical winter depression. Everything blurs and life in general just sucks because it's the season for family and couples...neither of which I'm really a part of. ::g:: Have's and Have Not's, eh?
Like I've told you before, my journal is my record book. Years from now, I'd like to look back on here and see where I was and how far I've come since. Whether people respond or not isn't a big deal, because it's more for me than them. ;) I just put it openly so that for those interested or those who may be looking for something to relate to, it's there.
And...the bit about the study, I read some of that. Neat stuff. :) At this point, yes, I think I very much fit into that group.
My rambling and your post aside, I'm already doing better now than I was when I'd written it. Another benefit of the journal. ;)
What if you're not?
That is a question that you alone can answer... are you gay, and what does that mean, if you're not? Especially if you have an identity constructed around that fact.
But, please, please, don't make the criteria for that question whether you've had sex, whether you're interested in it, or whether you are a part of the "gay culture." That is putting such a double standard on to things.
(and I'm not saying it's you with the double standard--it's society.)
We don't believe someone's gay until you see that they have a boyfriend/girlfriend.. otherwise we assume heterosexuality. I know someone who met you and said, "I don't believe he's gay," because we have definite ideas about how gay people ought to be. Unfortunatley people don't fit into neat boxes. Not to contradict your Dawson's Creek quote, but we're not divided into "gay" people and "straight" people who are just totally different. There are more differences within each group than among the two groups in the aggregate.
Straight people don't define themselves by their heterosexuality, why do we insist that gay people define themselves by their homosexuality.
Could this be your issue? That you simply don't feel a part of the "gay culture" or feel like a gay person ought to feel/act? Because, that's good! Could it be that sexual orientation is just a part of ourselves, like other tastes and preferences we have that make us unique?
Perhaps the only reason that a gay culture exists is because it has had to because those who practice that "lifestyle" (you see now why that term is problematic) have been marginalized and not allowed to be just like anyone else. They can't mention their spouse at work without using gender non-specific terms. Like the movie last night--many of the gay men in San Fransisco in the bath houses were very promiscious. Now, is this a natural part of being gay? Or could it be that society made monogamy impossible/pretty darn hard? We do all we can to accomodate and encourage it for straight people. Gay people can't talk about spouses at work, couldn't adopt children (which often hold straight relationships together), didn't feel legally bound, couldn't go out in public many places and so didn't have the same suppot network, often were in the closet so relationships are a source of guilt.. the list could go on and on and on.
I'm straight. I'm a virgin. I don't have a great big interest in sex right now, thus I don't really participate in the "straight culture." Yet very few would question whether I was straight.
Maybe you're not interested in sex because sex for you is more about the relationship itself and without an actual person there (for whom you feel more than just attraction), you see very little purpose for it. Certainly that's how I feel. If I were in a relationship, I might come to care more about sex. Now... enh.
Or, maybe you never will want to have sex. A recent study showed that there are a whole lot of people like that. It's not that they don't enter into deep, loving relationships. They just don't care about sex. That doesn't make them any less of who they identify themselves as.
So, you know, it may be that you're not gay. But that's something that YOU alone have to figure out. Not society, not people who make comments, but you. But don't believe that you can only be gay if you meet all these "requirements" that we set for "proving" that someone is really gay.
I'm here for ya if you ever wanna talk about it. But I totally understand that this is an issue that I won't be much help with. I'm good for hugs though. Or movies. Or coffee. Or Hastings. Or walking the track.
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Either way, thanks for posting. Yeah, it does come down to something I have to work out, like most things. This is part of my typical winter depression. Everything blurs and life in general just sucks because it's the season for family and couples...neither of which I'm really a part of. ::g:: Have's and Have Not's, eh?
Like I've told you before, my journal is my record book. Years from now, I'd like to look back on here and see where I was and how far I've come since. Whether people respond or not isn't a big deal, because it's more for me than them. ;) I just put it openly so that for those interested or those who may be looking for something to relate to, it's there.
And...the bit about the study, I read some of that. Neat stuff. :) At this point, yes, I think I very much fit into that group.
My rambling and your post aside, I'm already doing better now than I was when I'd written it. Another benefit of the journal. ;)
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