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the universe is out of alignment. several elements in my life are working against me.
lindsey and i aren't best friends anymore. i don't care if we make up. john is her best friend. just as justin used to be mine. you can't really have two best friends. maybe my true best friend was really heidi, from canada. we got along great. i liked her so much i loved her. not in a lesbian way, either, i just thought she was great. we fell out of touch when i stopped seeing my biological father... it didn't help that she moved to sweden to find herself either.
i attacked andy via texting also and that didn't go over well. he pretty much denies that he was being hurtful. it was all "a joke" and "sarcasm" and he didn't even know i was mad... which is complete bullshit. i honestly feel like he wanted to hurt me. he does act superior to most people. he does judge a lot. but he won't hear it from me. he won't hear it from anyone. he's always handled my emotional upsets well, but not this one. he seems to have gotten worse and knowing how to handle me over the years- honestly, i've probably just gotten more difficult... you know, as life's gotten more difficult.
i ripped into justin, too. that happens more frequently though. he hurt me back, ever so slightly, enough to make me stop crying. he got mad. then he listened to me more and finally talked to me as a real person instead of through is defensive rage. he explained a few things, and told me some things about my own life that i forget fairly easily. but i still i had to call my mom.
i pretty much just through a big fucking fit today and although it wasn't the most mature thing to do, i'm having trouble even feeling sorry about it. i felt so hurt by everyone's small, seemingly insignificant (to them), actions that i hardly even felt i was crossing the line. i just can't believe what poor friends so many people are. i could be better, i know that. but i am reliable, i am loyal, and i am trustworthy. and i expect those same traits out of my own friends... pretty much always. consistently, you know? if a friend falls short on one of those traits i'm going to be mad and i expect a good explanation, one that proves they didn't, in fact, fall short at all, but rather that they endured extenuating circumstances. i'm a fucking tough cookie, i guess you could say. i just don't like to be disappointed, and i want even more to feel safe. and sometimes my friends just don't make me feel that way :(
i spent a lot of time on facebook today... i really didn't know what else to do with myself. (i've got a nasty throat infection so i was trying to "rest", but i did a fairly poor job of it, what with the huge fit i through and all). i looked at a lot of people's pictures and thought a lot of different things including: i really should pursue bartending as a career, i should bleach my body hair soon and sport crop tops and bikinis while i'm young, some people sure do have a lot of facebook friends, dirtyshirty was stupid for not choosing grrrissa as one of the final four as a new dirty shirty model, i wish i was a better photographer, i'm terrified of roller derby, i do photograph better than a lot of other people, sylvia is really pretty, i want to meet jaytee zink, i should be living a more fulfilling life, i wish i wasn't so scared of getting tattoos, i wish i was more metal, i miss a lot of people from portland and a few from vancouver, i'm grateful not to work at netflix anymore, i've changed a lot since high school, i wish i could go back to highschool sometimes, i lost the positive outlook i had when i moved back to this "armpit" of a town, a lot of people have red hair right now, not very many people update their facebooks at 2 am on tuesday night, i wonder if i'll regret deleting jesse?, i wish i actually hung out with more of the people i'm "friends" with on this fucking website, how much of this is just for show, to make people feel better about themselves?, would i even recognize "famous" people if i met them?, why didn't i grow up a more confident woman?, i need some fuckin' hot bikini tops this summer to strut around in, i wish i could wear heels without ruining my feet, i wish facebook was a tad less public.
as you can see, i spend a lot of time thinking as i'm "surfing" the web. like... my mind rarely actually shuts off at all. 2:21 am.... yawning a lot... eyes watering. thirsty. fuzzy teeth. oily face. weird hair. still lonely. trying to keep my chin up and convince myself that yes, i, too, can learn to bartend.
i can't wait until my mom comes home tomorrow. she's been gone since last wednesday... and as you've witnessed.. it's made me a little bit insane. god, i hope i find happiness and confidence within myself soon.
lindsey and i aren't best friends anymore. i don't care if we make up. john is her best friend. just as justin used to be mine. you can't really have two best friends. maybe my true best friend was really heidi, from canada. we got along great. i liked her so much i loved her. not in a lesbian way, either, i just thought she was great. we fell out of touch when i stopped seeing my biological father... it didn't help that she moved to sweden to find herself either.
i attacked andy via texting also and that didn't go over well. he pretty much denies that he was being hurtful. it was all "a joke" and "sarcasm" and he didn't even know i was mad... which is complete bullshit. i honestly feel like he wanted to hurt me. he does act superior to most people. he does judge a lot. but he won't hear it from me. he won't hear it from anyone. he's always handled my emotional upsets well, but not this one. he seems to have gotten worse and knowing how to handle me over the years- honestly, i've probably just gotten more difficult... you know, as life's gotten more difficult.
i ripped into justin, too. that happens more frequently though. he hurt me back, ever so slightly, enough to make me stop crying. he got mad. then he listened to me more and finally talked to me as a real person instead of through is defensive rage. he explained a few things, and told me some things about my own life that i forget fairly easily. but i still i had to call my mom.
i pretty much just through a big fucking fit today and although it wasn't the most mature thing to do, i'm having trouble even feeling sorry about it. i felt so hurt by everyone's small, seemingly insignificant (to them), actions that i hardly even felt i was crossing the line. i just can't believe what poor friends so many people are. i could be better, i know that. but i am reliable, i am loyal, and i am trustworthy. and i expect those same traits out of my own friends... pretty much always. consistently, you know? if a friend falls short on one of those traits i'm going to be mad and i expect a good explanation, one that proves they didn't, in fact, fall short at all, but rather that they endured extenuating circumstances. i'm a fucking tough cookie, i guess you could say. i just don't like to be disappointed, and i want even more to feel safe. and sometimes my friends just don't make me feel that way :(
i spent a lot of time on facebook today... i really didn't know what else to do with myself. (i've got a nasty throat infection so i was trying to "rest", but i did a fairly poor job of it, what with the huge fit i through and all). i looked at a lot of people's pictures and thought a lot of different things including: i really should pursue bartending as a career, i should bleach my body hair soon and sport crop tops and bikinis while i'm young, some people sure do have a lot of facebook friends, dirtyshirty was stupid for not choosing grrrissa as one of the final four as a new dirty shirty model, i wish i was a better photographer, i'm terrified of roller derby, i do photograph better than a lot of other people, sylvia is really pretty, i want to meet jaytee zink, i should be living a more fulfilling life, i wish i wasn't so scared of getting tattoos, i wish i was more metal, i miss a lot of people from portland and a few from vancouver, i'm grateful not to work at netflix anymore, i've changed a lot since high school, i wish i could go back to highschool sometimes, i lost the positive outlook i had when i moved back to this "armpit" of a town, a lot of people have red hair right now, not very many people update their facebooks at 2 am on tuesday night, i wonder if i'll regret deleting jesse?, i wish i actually hung out with more of the people i'm "friends" with on this fucking website, how much of this is just for show, to make people feel better about themselves?, would i even recognize "famous" people if i met them?, why didn't i grow up a more confident woman?, i need some fuckin' hot bikini tops this summer to strut around in, i wish i could wear heels without ruining my feet, i wish facebook was a tad less public.
as you can see, i spend a lot of time thinking as i'm "surfing" the web. like... my mind rarely actually shuts off at all. 2:21 am.... yawning a lot... eyes watering. thirsty. fuzzy teeth. oily face. weird hair. still lonely. trying to keep my chin up and convince myself that yes, i, too, can learn to bartend.
i can't wait until my mom comes home tomorrow. she's been gone since last wednesday... and as you've witnessed.. it's made me a little bit insane. god, i hope i find happiness and confidence within myself soon.