(no subject)
For the first time in my life a man is interested in me. Yes, you read that right, a man; all 27 years of him. I can think of a thousand and seven reasons why it feels wrong... but the biggest one is a burden I've carried for almost eight years now. Something that no matter how much I know I should turn my back on I can't. I'm still just waiting for the day that my biggest fantasy comes true. ::sigh:: I do like him. He's so intelligent. And poetic. And sweet. People just can't be that... good. It's impossible. I can generally talk anyone half to death but the moment he and I are alone together my mind runs blank, like there's nothing I can possibly say. The fact that he doesn't need me to prove my worth is another problem. Pleasing people, often at my expense, is something that I'm so used to doing and that fact that I don't have to is almost maddening. He came from nowhere. Way out of left field. I just thought that when It found me the circumstances would be different, not necessarily better... but much different. I can't wait to get a way for a short. I can wait to be dancing in the sand. I can't can't can't can't wait. I don't feel helpless anymore. I don't feel crazy anymore. I don't feel like I'm alone. Whether or not the personal pharmacy I posses is the reason for that really doesn't matter. I feel better. Much better. I'm okay with waking up every morning and that, my children, is the best feeling of all...
I feel like I'm at a good place right now. That things are almost stable. That what happened yesterday did in fact happen yesterday and that I have little control over whatever tomorrow holds. I'm learning how to live in the moment again. How to grab the reigns after a long while of being a bystander to my life. Sure society may not be fond of the way I want to live, but I can't change that. I just have to do my best to live, and be happy. As far as I know I only get one go at this life thing, and if not I know for certain that I'll only have one opportunity to be Ashley and I need to take full advantage of that- no matter what it may cost me in the long run.
mmmm... certainty feels nice....
the best thing ever '07 > 24 days
I feel like I'm at a good place right now. That things are almost stable. That what happened yesterday did in fact happen yesterday and that I have little control over whatever tomorrow holds. I'm learning how to live in the moment again. How to grab the reigns after a long while of being a bystander to my life. Sure society may not be fond of the way I want to live, but I can't change that. I just have to do my best to live, and be happy. As far as I know I only get one go at this life thing, and if not I know for certain that I'll only have one opportunity to be Ashley and I need to take full advantage of that- no matter what it may cost me in the long run.
mmmm... certainty feels nice....
the best thing ever '07 > 24 days