(no subject)
For the first time in recent memory I actually can not find a way to put my thoughts into words. This idea is troubling me so much that I think I just ought to off myself. I feel distant and disconnected from all of you, my entire family, and, worst of all, myself. Growing up without a goal is difficult. It truly feels as though I'm being forced by no choice of my own to assume responsibility for things I could care less about. The interesting paradox of this unfortunate issue is the fact that I don't want to be where I am either. I am once again sick of my mother and father. For so long now I thought I was just another whiny suburban kid, and I am, for the most part; but my childhood hides some ugly secrets and I've recently begun admitting how much they've actually bothered me. I've been treated like an adult my entire life and now that I'm entering adulthood I want absolutely nothing to do with it. I just want to eat popsicles and play on the jungle gym. I, by my own choice, have become another statistic. Another perscription drug wielding adolescent in the war against ourselves. You want to know the worst part about anti-depressants? When your mind wants to do noting but weep yet it can't convince your body to shed a tear. I don't know what to do with myself anymore. Beyond my introspective battle I'm starting to dislike what I see in the mirror everyday. I feel like my body keeps me from meeting people and is a key part in my hesitance towards social situations. I am so desperate for love, for human affection that I don't know what to do anymore. Starve myself I guess. Make it so that no matter how unsettled I feel on the inside someone might see something nice on the outside. That won't happen though. I just can't be alone anymore. I can't can't can't do it. I can't fill this void with education, new clothes, or even acid anymore. I need to be touched. Held. Loved. I can't hide it anymore. I'm not even ashamed to admit that I'm weak at this point. I've been weak for years. I've bent over backwards to most of you just to prove my worth and most of our friendships have fallen by the wayside anyhow.
I just need to get away from all of this.
Escape to some paradise for awhile.
A place where none of this matters.
Where the warmth of the sun and the vibrant sound is almost enough to soothe my jones.
Or maybe...
I just need a hug.
I just need to get away from all of this.
Escape to some paradise for awhile.
A place where none of this matters.
Where the warmth of the sun and the vibrant sound is almost enough to soothe my jones.
Or maybe...
I just need a hug.