The Ones that Matter (10/?) Kate x Betty, Gladys/Betty/Kate friendship,
Betty was right, that Kate liked the spot she’d picked. It was perfect. Once they’d finished eating, and making idle conversation, Kate leaned back onto the grass, staring up at the sky through the branches of the tree they’d sat next to.
“This is beautiful, Betty. How did you find it?”
Betty, herself, was lying half on, half off the blanket they’d brought, keeping a carefully measured distance from Kate. “I used to take the streetcar to the end of the line, and just walk, when I first came to Toronto. Gave me time to think, and find pretty places for future picnics,” she looked over and smiled at Kate, who smiled back.
“Well, as someone enjoying said future picnics, I’m glad you went on all those walks, and thank you.”
Kate paused, and took in a deep breath, loving the smell of the field. She looked over at the woman lying a few feet from her, hands under her head, feet crossed, and wondered about her. “Betty, can I ask you something? Something personal?”
Betty crammed the fear brought about by this question down to the pit of her stomach, deciding she could handle whatever Kate said, and answer it honestly. “Sure thing, what’s on your mind?”
“You are so independent, and seem to know just what you want. The job, the house. You’re seem so settled with yourself, and who you are. Was it always like that?”
Betty scoffed, but spoke gently, “Kate, you know it wasn’t. Don’t you remember me telling you how sometimes I just wanted to be like every other girl? But I wasn’t, I’m not, so eventually I had to accept it. Wanting to get a job, buy a house? That was the easy part. The other part? How I…how I feel about women? That took longer.”
“It took longer because you wanted…a different kind of life than you were expected to want?” This question sparked another, and before Betty even had time to respond to, Kate added, “ Did you ever want children?” This second question was slightly more specific than she’d intended to get, but it was something that she had wondered about before. She supposed her brain decided it was now or never.
Betty was caught slightly off guard, “Children? Nah. Honestly Kate, I have five brothers, and one sister. Do you know how many of them are married with at least one kid? Every last one of them. I like kids, but I have plenty of them in my nieces and nephews. I don’t see them too much, but…I can send them letters, and gifts. The older ones are starting to write back.”
“I didn’t know that. I didn’t know you still spoke to your family.”
“Hey, I’m not that much of the black sheep!” She looked at Kate and smiled, so she would know she wasn’t truly insulted. “My little sister is a little standoffish, but my brothers are all right with me. It was my mother who was never really thrilled with me, so I don’t talk to her so much.”
“Oh, I’m sorry.”
Betty shrugged, “She always knew there was something different about me, and didn’t like it. My sister’s much younger, nine years, so there was a time she thought I might have been the only girl. And…I sure wasn’t the girl she wanted. Then, my sister came along, and boy was she the perfect daughter. My mother was pretty much all done with me at that point. My father though, he was all right too. I worked hard on the farm, and that was all he ever wanted.” Betty paused, then added, “It wasn’t all I ever wanted though. There was no life for me there.”
“That was what my mother told me the first time I left, those exact words. It just took me the second try to realize she was right. My life is here.” Kate said this so quietly, it almost sounded like she was talking to herself, but then she looked at Betty, to make it clear she’d intended it to be heard.
Betty nodded, and then turned back to look at the sky, “What about you? Do you want children?”
“No,” Kate said rather quickly, “Well, I’m not opposed to them, but I’ve realized lately that I always just expected that I would have them, and believed that’s what I should want. But, I’m not so sure I do. Children are lovely, and sometimes I think I’d like to be a teacher, so I can spend time with them, teach them. But if I don’t have any of my own, that would be okay. You know Gladys will let us babysit.” Kate meant this to sound playful, but realized instead it sounded as if they would be some kind of family unit, taking care of children together. “I mean, you know, if we are both still around when she and James have children.”
Betty’s heart was beating so fast she thought it was going to burst out of her chest for the second time today. Let them babysit? The image that conjured up was entirely too much for Betty to manage, and she was certain Kate had been seeing the same image when she said that. Or was she just misinterpreting things again? She felt hope growing within her, and had to screw her eyes shut and force herself to crush it. No good would come of that. Time to try to lighten the situation with a joke, “Well, you know I’ll still be around, I just bought a house!”
Kate laughed, grateful to Betty for brushing by her comment. “You’re so brave, Betty.”
Betty shook her head, “Kate, you say that like it’s something special about me. You’re just as brave as I am.”
Kate looked off to the side, away from Betty, and plucked at some blades of grass her hand was resting on. “I’m not. Look at you. Gladys thinks so too. Like I said, you just accept yourself. And can be so open.”
Betty shook her head, though she also had to give herself some credit. “Kate, if you’re talking about…how I…how I am with women, it hasn’t been easy. And I’m not sure I’d say I was open, exactly. It’s not as if I’m talking with Mr. Atkins about the pretty girl I saw last night at the Tangiers. Sure, everyone at VicMu knows, but that wasn’t particularly my choice, and I’m not going to remind them about it.”
“But with Gladys, and Vera, and at the Tangiers…”
Betty laughed, “With Gladys, definitely. I had her telling me for so long, after…” Betty cleared her throat, “after you left, and I was so down on myself, that it was okay, that who I loved didn’t make me a bad person-“
“Betty I’m so sorry I-“
“Kate, it’s okay, I-you’ve apologized. And it wasn’t just you, it was the world.”
That reminded Kate exactly what she was afraid of, “So…how did you get over the world?”
“I don’t know. I’m telling you, Gladys harping in my ear all the time about love being love, and how while we’re at war, no one should be worrying about more love in the world. And then Vera, she could care less. Then you, coming back, and having-“ Betty teared up, and found that she needed to clear her throat again,” -and having worked so hard to get to where you could accept it, and be my friend again…and Leon, and everyone at the Tangiers. To be able to go there with some friends, and see some more friends who were like me, and have everyone in the place be okay about it? Or at least not hassle me about it? That helped a lot. Sometimes I feel like I’ve created my own little world. Nobody outside of it needs to know my business, and so they shouldn’t bother me. Besides, I know how to handle a gun if they give me any trouble.”
“Betty!” Kate laughed, looking at Betty, who was smirking, though Kate suspected she was only partially joking. Kate shook her head, still wondering at her friend, and wishing she could be as brave.
Betty was feeling particularly vulnerable, having opened up to Kate once again. That’s why she had to end with the joke (half joke). Take the pressure off. Felt kind of good though too, to think about the little life she’d built for herself, and how having a place of her own was only going to help.
“I can’t believe you got me to tell you all of that,” Betty looked over at her, shaking her head, and smiling, “But I’m glad at the same time.”
“I told you one day I wanted to hear your story. I think I just got to hear part of it. And it means a lot to me.”
Betty just smiled again, and looked back up at the sky again. She wasn’t quite sure what made Kate ask her all of that, but, on the other hand, she didn’t really care. That she could lie there, and talk to Kate about how she felt about women, and how she got used to the idea? It was amazing, given where they were nine months ago.
“We should do this every weekend, until it gets too cold.” Kate said, and then added, “Just you and me.”
Betty leaned up on her elbow, and looked over at Kate. “Just you and me?”
“Well, yes. It’s nice, and I don’t think Gladys would mind.” She’ll be jumping up and down and reading all kinds of things into it, in fact, “Unless you don’t want to.” Kate didn’t even know why she wanted to, only that she did. All right, she knew why she wanted to, but she didn’t know why she was allowing herself to act on that desire. It was just nice, and peaceful, and Kate felt content. She wanted to feel this way again, no matter what anyone else thought.
“It’s about what you want, Kate,” Betty said seriously, “Not me.”
Kate furrowed her brow, “That’s not true. Or, it shouldn’t be. It should be about what both of us want.”
Betty flopped onto her back again, and sighed, “I know, but we don’t want the same things. So, then it’s about you.”
This conversation was becoming extremely dangerous. The sun must be getting to Kate, because she could feel herself considering saying things to Betty that she otherwise wouldn’t. It was time to bring it back to the small specific point that she had started with. “Well, I want to come on a picnic every weekend until it gets too cold, if you want to do the same.”
Betty didn’t know why she’d just made that whole conversation so complicated, when all it had required was a simple answer. “Of course I do, Kate.”
To be continued…
“This is beautiful, Betty. How did you find it?”
Betty, herself, was lying half on, half off the blanket they’d brought, keeping a carefully measured distance from Kate. “I used to take the streetcar to the end of the line, and just walk, when I first came to Toronto. Gave me time to think, and find pretty places for future picnics,” she looked over and smiled at Kate, who smiled back.
“Well, as someone enjoying said future picnics, I’m glad you went on all those walks, and thank you.”
Kate paused, and took in a deep breath, loving the smell of the field. She looked over at the woman lying a few feet from her, hands under her head, feet crossed, and wondered about her. “Betty, can I ask you something? Something personal?”
Betty crammed the fear brought about by this question down to the pit of her stomach, deciding she could handle whatever Kate said, and answer it honestly. “Sure thing, what’s on your mind?”
“You are so independent, and seem to know just what you want. The job, the house. You’re seem so settled with yourself, and who you are. Was it always like that?”
Betty scoffed, but spoke gently, “Kate, you know it wasn’t. Don’t you remember me telling you how sometimes I just wanted to be like every other girl? But I wasn’t, I’m not, so eventually I had to accept it. Wanting to get a job, buy a house? That was the easy part. The other part? How I…how I feel about women? That took longer.”
“It took longer because you wanted…a different kind of life than you were expected to want?” This question sparked another, and before Betty even had time to respond to, Kate added, “ Did you ever want children?” This second question was slightly more specific than she’d intended to get, but it was something that she had wondered about before. She supposed her brain decided it was now or never.
Betty was caught slightly off guard, “Children? Nah. Honestly Kate, I have five brothers, and one sister. Do you know how many of them are married with at least one kid? Every last one of them. I like kids, but I have plenty of them in my nieces and nephews. I don’t see them too much, but…I can send them letters, and gifts. The older ones are starting to write back.”
“I didn’t know that. I didn’t know you still spoke to your family.”
“Hey, I’m not that much of the black sheep!” She looked at Kate and smiled, so she would know she wasn’t truly insulted. “My little sister is a little standoffish, but my brothers are all right with me. It was my mother who was never really thrilled with me, so I don’t talk to her so much.”
“Oh, I’m sorry.”
Betty shrugged, “She always knew there was something different about me, and didn’t like it. My sister’s much younger, nine years, so there was a time she thought I might have been the only girl. And…I sure wasn’t the girl she wanted. Then, my sister came along, and boy was she the perfect daughter. My mother was pretty much all done with me at that point. My father though, he was all right too. I worked hard on the farm, and that was all he ever wanted.” Betty paused, then added, “It wasn’t all I ever wanted though. There was no life for me there.”
“That was what my mother told me the first time I left, those exact words. It just took me the second try to realize she was right. My life is here.” Kate said this so quietly, it almost sounded like she was talking to herself, but then she looked at Betty, to make it clear she’d intended it to be heard.
Betty nodded, and then turned back to look at the sky, “What about you? Do you want children?”
“No,” Kate said rather quickly, “Well, I’m not opposed to them, but I’ve realized lately that I always just expected that I would have them, and believed that’s what I should want. But, I’m not so sure I do. Children are lovely, and sometimes I think I’d like to be a teacher, so I can spend time with them, teach them. But if I don’t have any of my own, that would be okay. You know Gladys will let us babysit.” Kate meant this to sound playful, but realized instead it sounded as if they would be some kind of family unit, taking care of children together. “I mean, you know, if we are both still around when she and James have children.”
Betty’s heart was beating so fast she thought it was going to burst out of her chest for the second time today. Let them babysit? The image that conjured up was entirely too much for Betty to manage, and she was certain Kate had been seeing the same image when she said that. Or was she just misinterpreting things again? She felt hope growing within her, and had to screw her eyes shut and force herself to crush it. No good would come of that. Time to try to lighten the situation with a joke, “Well, you know I’ll still be around, I just bought a house!”
Kate laughed, grateful to Betty for brushing by her comment. “You’re so brave, Betty.”
Betty shook her head, “Kate, you say that like it’s something special about me. You’re just as brave as I am.”
Kate looked off to the side, away from Betty, and plucked at some blades of grass her hand was resting on. “I’m not. Look at you. Gladys thinks so too. Like I said, you just accept yourself. And can be so open.”
Betty shook her head, though she also had to give herself some credit. “Kate, if you’re talking about…how I…how I am with women, it hasn’t been easy. And I’m not sure I’d say I was open, exactly. It’s not as if I’m talking with Mr. Atkins about the pretty girl I saw last night at the Tangiers. Sure, everyone at VicMu knows, but that wasn’t particularly my choice, and I’m not going to remind them about it.”
“But with Gladys, and Vera, and at the Tangiers…”
Betty laughed, “With Gladys, definitely. I had her telling me for so long, after…” Betty cleared her throat, “after you left, and I was so down on myself, that it was okay, that who I loved didn’t make me a bad person-“
“Betty I’m so sorry I-“
“Kate, it’s okay, I-you’ve apologized. And it wasn’t just you, it was the world.”
That reminded Kate exactly what she was afraid of, “So…how did you get over the world?”
“I don’t know. I’m telling you, Gladys harping in my ear all the time about love being love, and how while we’re at war, no one should be worrying about more love in the world. And then Vera, she could care less. Then you, coming back, and having-“ Betty teared up, and found that she needed to clear her throat again,” -and having worked so hard to get to where you could accept it, and be my friend again…and Leon, and everyone at the Tangiers. To be able to go there with some friends, and see some more friends who were like me, and have everyone in the place be okay about it? Or at least not hassle me about it? That helped a lot. Sometimes I feel like I’ve created my own little world. Nobody outside of it needs to know my business, and so they shouldn’t bother me. Besides, I know how to handle a gun if they give me any trouble.”
“Betty!” Kate laughed, looking at Betty, who was smirking, though Kate suspected she was only partially joking. Kate shook her head, still wondering at her friend, and wishing she could be as brave.
Betty was feeling particularly vulnerable, having opened up to Kate once again. That’s why she had to end with the joke (half joke). Take the pressure off. Felt kind of good though too, to think about the little life she’d built for herself, and how having a place of her own was only going to help.
“I can’t believe you got me to tell you all of that,” Betty looked over at her, shaking her head, and smiling, “But I’m glad at the same time.”
“I told you one day I wanted to hear your story. I think I just got to hear part of it. And it means a lot to me.”
Betty just smiled again, and looked back up at the sky again. She wasn’t quite sure what made Kate ask her all of that, but, on the other hand, she didn’t really care. That she could lie there, and talk to Kate about how she felt about women, and how she got used to the idea? It was amazing, given where they were nine months ago.
“We should do this every weekend, until it gets too cold.” Kate said, and then added, “Just you and me.”
Betty leaned up on her elbow, and looked over at Kate. “Just you and me?”
“Well, yes. It’s nice, and I don’t think Gladys would mind.” She’ll be jumping up and down and reading all kinds of things into it, in fact, “Unless you don’t want to.” Kate didn’t even know why she wanted to, only that she did. All right, she knew why she wanted to, but she didn’t know why she was allowing herself to act on that desire. It was just nice, and peaceful, and Kate felt content. She wanted to feel this way again, no matter what anyone else thought.
“It’s about what you want, Kate,” Betty said seriously, “Not me.”
Kate furrowed her brow, “That’s not true. Or, it shouldn’t be. It should be about what both of us want.”
Betty flopped onto her back again, and sighed, “I know, but we don’t want the same things. So, then it’s about you.”
This conversation was becoming extremely dangerous. The sun must be getting to Kate, because she could feel herself considering saying things to Betty that she otherwise wouldn’t. It was time to bring it back to the small specific point that she had started with. “Well, I want to come on a picnic every weekend until it gets too cold, if you want to do the same.”
Betty didn’t know why she’d just made that whole conversation so complicated, when all it had required was a simple answer. “Of course I do, Kate.”
To be continued…