Things I Think About - Emotional Fidelity
I’ve been toying with the concept of intimacy recently, and the blurry line between emotional and physical intimacy. I was watching this show a couple weeks ago where a character claimed that cheating emotionally in relationships was harder to deal with than cheating physically. I’m not sure that I have a concrete opinion on that issue, but it makes me wonder where the line is between knowing someone intimately and touching them up.
And it’s a bizarre topic as a woman, because it’s normalized for us to be emotionally supportive. It’s normalized for us to have a certain level of intimacy in our relationships with other women. And I’m a cuddly, huggy, sort of person, in general. I’m also very comfortable having personal, raw, honest conversations with others. But I’ve noticed that I’m increasingly careful about connecting with dudes on that level, especially in one on one scenarios.
It’s a weird game to be responsible for. From conversations with dudes in the past that have led to awkward invitations, to dudes I feel so relaxed around that I’ve avoided them. I’m not the cheating type. I don’t like secrets and games and lies. But I was in an open relationship a very long time ago. In retrospect, I’m pretty sure we opened up the relationship for all the wrong reasons, but it was an enlightening experience.
There’s not much to be jealous about when your partner is up front about what they’re up to. And while I only took advantage of the open relationship status a few times, I eventually found myself in a scenario where I stopped caring about telling my boyfriend at the time where I was at and what I was up to. Realizing I was no longer emotionally prioritizing him in that way was the beginning of the end.
It also seems that making any close relationship a sexual one puts some form of time limit on that relationship. Either you’ll maintain that level of intimacy, or the relationship itself becomes awkward when that component goes away again. And with the people I like the most, what’s the point in going physical if I’d rather just keep them around?
And yes, I realize that a long term relationship is that feeling of wanting them around plus the physical intimacy. But if the larger option isn’t an option, then getting physical just creates mess and drama that undermines the friendship in the first place. And well, I always prefer to play the long game.
It shouldn’t be this complicated and yet it is.
I suspect one of the greatest challenges of long term relationships is maintaining that level of intimacy, both physically and emotionally. As long as that connection is healthy, seems pretty difficult to end up cheating. But when that connection is strained, maintaining healthy boundaries with others becomes a juggling act. At least, I currently feel that all my friendships suffered when my relationship struggled. Not feeling sure of myself there led to me not being relaxed and open with my friends.
But I also think holding back with others happens because a certain type of talking can easily lead to touching. It wouldn't be possible to have a purely emotional affair without that type of talking. Even in my open relationship I ended things when I realized I'd hit emotional affair territory.
Thing is, I like that certain type of talking, and it isn't always an indication of anything more. It’s easy for me to connect to others on that level, and most of the time has no ulterior motive. As long as I’m simply talking, there is no intended game. In fact, looking back, I’m pretty sure touching people is my give away when it comes to intentions. Talking, not so much.
I’m not sure I have a point in any of this, so much as currently chewing on the concepts. It’s weird to be on the path to single again. To ask myself questions about what I might be looking for… eventually... again... next?
What I do know is that like always, I prefer to play the long game. I still choose what is sustainable over immediate gratification. What that will end up looking like over the next few years, I have no clue. But after years of holding back in many ways, it will be a bizarre exercise to figure out what I want now.
And it’s a bizarre topic as a woman, because it’s normalized for us to be emotionally supportive. It’s normalized for us to have a certain level of intimacy in our relationships with other women. And I’m a cuddly, huggy, sort of person, in general. I’m also very comfortable having personal, raw, honest conversations with others. But I’ve noticed that I’m increasingly careful about connecting with dudes on that level, especially in one on one scenarios.
It’s a weird game to be responsible for. From conversations with dudes in the past that have led to awkward invitations, to dudes I feel so relaxed around that I’ve avoided them. I’m not the cheating type. I don’t like secrets and games and lies. But I was in an open relationship a very long time ago. In retrospect, I’m pretty sure we opened up the relationship for all the wrong reasons, but it was an enlightening experience.
There’s not much to be jealous about when your partner is up front about what they’re up to. And while I only took advantage of the open relationship status a few times, I eventually found myself in a scenario where I stopped caring about telling my boyfriend at the time where I was at and what I was up to. Realizing I was no longer emotionally prioritizing him in that way was the beginning of the end.
It also seems that making any close relationship a sexual one puts some form of time limit on that relationship. Either you’ll maintain that level of intimacy, or the relationship itself becomes awkward when that component goes away again. And with the people I like the most, what’s the point in going physical if I’d rather just keep them around?
And yes, I realize that a long term relationship is that feeling of wanting them around plus the physical intimacy. But if the larger option isn’t an option, then getting physical just creates mess and drama that undermines the friendship in the first place. And well, I always prefer to play the long game.
It shouldn’t be this complicated and yet it is.
I suspect one of the greatest challenges of long term relationships is maintaining that level of intimacy, both physically and emotionally. As long as that connection is healthy, seems pretty difficult to end up cheating. But when that connection is strained, maintaining healthy boundaries with others becomes a juggling act. At least, I currently feel that all my friendships suffered when my relationship struggled. Not feeling sure of myself there led to me not being relaxed and open with my friends.
But I also think holding back with others happens because a certain type of talking can easily lead to touching. It wouldn't be possible to have a purely emotional affair without that type of talking. Even in my open relationship I ended things when I realized I'd hit emotional affair territory.
Thing is, I like that certain type of talking, and it isn't always an indication of anything more. It’s easy for me to connect to others on that level, and most of the time has no ulterior motive. As long as I’m simply talking, there is no intended game. In fact, looking back, I’m pretty sure touching people is my give away when it comes to intentions. Talking, not so much.
I’m not sure I have a point in any of this, so much as currently chewing on the concepts. It’s weird to be on the path to single again. To ask myself questions about what I might be looking for… eventually... again... next?
What I do know is that like always, I prefer to play the long game. I still choose what is sustainable over immediate gratification. What that will end up looking like over the next few years, I have no clue. But after years of holding back in many ways, it will be a bizarre exercise to figure out what I want now.