Things I Think About - Winter, Wonder, and Warrior Women
The last few weeks have really gotten me into the mindset of settling in for the winter. Starting the winter season off with a big storm, followed immediately by a week of below zero temps and wind chill, plus that whole "dark by 5:30" routine we've got going on, and I'm extra happy to sit by my Christmas tree with a blanket and a book for an indeterminate amount of time/days.
I'm looking forward to the big holiday break from work, and eager to welcome in the new year. 2013 was an okay year, but for me, the only real "progress" revolved around an awesome little girl. Amazing how that first year pretty much absorbs all time and energy you might possibly have for other things. And yet she is progressing at leaps and bounds. She's coming up on 16 months, is toddling like a fiend, has a will of her own (and the temper tantrums to match), and her vocabulary is exploding. Having her in our lives keeps getting more fun every day.
Also, she is officially going to be a big sister. Kidlet number two is in the works, and due to an amazing new non-invasive test, we've already ruled out some of the scary chromosomal issues and know to expect another girl. She's due June 12th and currently going by the name Thumper.
Pregnancy only adds to my settling in instincts, especially as the nausea hits me something fierce and lasts for 4-5 months. I eat crackers and granola bars at work (suuuuuuuper slowly) and don't manage a real meal until sometime after I get home. Eating then involves attempting to stay as stationary as possible until the queasiness from the food finally passes an hour or two later. Fun times!
I don't really get much of that excited buzz off of early pregnancy. Not only is eating real labor of its own, that period of feeling sick also goes with all the uncertainties. There is no "planning for a child" at that point, for me. It's all effort to eat and keep the fact that you feel like horking on someone's shoes a secret. It's not until you get those first important tests back that any planning begins, once you know that little one is gonna stick through the first unpredictable months. So there's been a lot of me living in my own head for a few months, with little to say about the unknown.
Also, holy crap, our house is all about the ladies. Good friends have already pointed out that TJ is the sort of dude who really needs to have daughters, and since learning that is indeed what we'll be providing the world, I've decided our house will be one of warrior women and mad scientists and deep woods explorers. There will be action and dirt and dinosaurs and monsters and dolls. All the things.
While the personality of my girls is completely up to them, I have become more resolute in the sorts of examples I want to provide. It still amazes me that even in kids programming, in a cast of 12 characters, only 3 of them are girls and they're tropetastically visually identifiable. I found myself reading children's books and not wanting to use the words "he" and "she". While yes, that kid in overalls is digging a hole, it is completely irrelevant whether this activity is done by a male or female character. I hate how we define behavior of genders simply by who does what activity in almost every story. I, a pregnant woman, climb trees and dig holes and catch frogs just fine, thankyouverymuch.
But aside from media, it turns out that all my favorite women are warrior women, one way or another. Independent, fierce, and fearless. That is the example I want my girls to absorb through every pore, and the sort of people I wish to surround them with. I want them to know that they can do pretty much anything they're willing to work on and practice. I want them to explore the world full of wonder and possibility, and I will go mama bear of vengeance on anyone who tells them they're disqualified based on what they keep in their pants. I'll probably find lots of reason to go mama bear of vengeance, honestly, this is just an issue where I feel the bear coming on just thinking about it conceptually.
And yes, I'm also intimidated. I know that the hardest physical work happens when kids are youngest, and that they become more and more self-sufficient and interactive with time. Even with C, we have found the ability to do so many more things in the last few months simply because she walks on her own and can be put to bed on her own (we're still working hardcore on that whole sleeping through the night concept, though...).
The hardest thing for me are all the personal activities that have been set aside for the time being. I make slow progress on some things and others have simply been tabled until I find the time and energy to pick them up again. I know this is a temporary thing, especially for the projects and activities that matter most to me, but it is discouraging to look back on an entire year and have so few creative and personal projects even on the table.
While I am proud and happy to be a mother, I still have a very difficult time embracing it as an identity. It is a facet of me, but by no means a summary. That can be hard to remember when wandering through Target disheveled on a Friday with the kid in the cart. Sometimes these early stages of having a family make me feel as though I've been reduced to a trope of myself. That feeling is actually harder for me than the actual time and energy of doing the work of being a parent.
But I know that I forged my identity in fire and it will remain in tact through this whole time consuming process of pregnancy and tiny babies. And that person is just as important a role model for my girls as my ability to be mom.
Patience is a bitch. But mostly, I'm kinda excited that this is likely the last time I will spend 4-5 months nauseated with my energy benched. Sure, I got a good year of sleep deprivation and blurry reality ahead of me. But this is the home stretch, and I don't plan on any more repeat performances.
In the meantime, I'll be on the couch near the Christmas tree.
I'm looking forward to the big holiday break from work, and eager to welcome in the new year. 2013 was an okay year, but for me, the only real "progress" revolved around an awesome little girl. Amazing how that first year pretty much absorbs all time and energy you might possibly have for other things. And yet she is progressing at leaps and bounds. She's coming up on 16 months, is toddling like a fiend, has a will of her own (and the temper tantrums to match), and her vocabulary is exploding. Having her in our lives keeps getting more fun every day.
Also, she is officially going to be a big sister. Kidlet number two is in the works, and due to an amazing new non-invasive test, we've already ruled out some of the scary chromosomal issues and know to expect another girl. She's due June 12th and currently going by the name Thumper.
Pregnancy only adds to my settling in instincts, especially as the nausea hits me something fierce and lasts for 4-5 months. I eat crackers and granola bars at work (suuuuuuuper slowly) and don't manage a real meal until sometime after I get home. Eating then involves attempting to stay as stationary as possible until the queasiness from the food finally passes an hour or two later. Fun times!
I don't really get much of that excited buzz off of early pregnancy. Not only is eating real labor of its own, that period of feeling sick also goes with all the uncertainties. There is no "planning for a child" at that point, for me. It's all effort to eat and keep the fact that you feel like horking on someone's shoes a secret. It's not until you get those first important tests back that any planning begins, once you know that little one is gonna stick through the first unpredictable months. So there's been a lot of me living in my own head for a few months, with little to say about the unknown.
Also, holy crap, our house is all about the ladies. Good friends have already pointed out that TJ is the sort of dude who really needs to have daughters, and since learning that is indeed what we'll be providing the world, I've decided our house will be one of warrior women and mad scientists and deep woods explorers. There will be action and dirt and dinosaurs and monsters and dolls. All the things.
While the personality of my girls is completely up to them, I have become more resolute in the sorts of examples I want to provide. It still amazes me that even in kids programming, in a cast of 12 characters, only 3 of them are girls and they're tropetastically visually identifiable. I found myself reading children's books and not wanting to use the words "he" and "she". While yes, that kid in overalls is digging a hole, it is completely irrelevant whether this activity is done by a male or female character. I hate how we define behavior of genders simply by who does what activity in almost every story. I, a pregnant woman, climb trees and dig holes and catch frogs just fine, thankyouverymuch.
But aside from media, it turns out that all my favorite women are warrior women, one way or another. Independent, fierce, and fearless. That is the example I want my girls to absorb through every pore, and the sort of people I wish to surround them with. I want them to know that they can do pretty much anything they're willing to work on and practice. I want them to explore the world full of wonder and possibility, and I will go mama bear of vengeance on anyone who tells them they're disqualified based on what they keep in their pants. I'll probably find lots of reason to go mama bear of vengeance, honestly, this is just an issue where I feel the bear coming on just thinking about it conceptually.
And yes, I'm also intimidated. I know that the hardest physical work happens when kids are youngest, and that they become more and more self-sufficient and interactive with time. Even with C, we have found the ability to do so many more things in the last few months simply because she walks on her own and can be put to bed on her own (we're still working hardcore on that whole sleeping through the night concept, though...).
The hardest thing for me are all the personal activities that have been set aside for the time being. I make slow progress on some things and others have simply been tabled until I find the time and energy to pick them up again. I know this is a temporary thing, especially for the projects and activities that matter most to me, but it is discouraging to look back on an entire year and have so few creative and personal projects even on the table.
While I am proud and happy to be a mother, I still have a very difficult time embracing it as an identity. It is a facet of me, but by no means a summary. That can be hard to remember when wandering through Target disheveled on a Friday with the kid in the cart. Sometimes these early stages of having a family make me feel as though I've been reduced to a trope of myself. That feeling is actually harder for me than the actual time and energy of doing the work of being a parent.
But I know that I forged my identity in fire and it will remain in tact through this whole time consuming process of pregnancy and tiny babies. And that person is just as important a role model for my girls as my ability to be mom.
Patience is a bitch. But mostly, I'm kinda excited that this is likely the last time I will spend 4-5 months nauseated with my energy benched. Sure, I got a good year of sleep deprivation and blurry reality ahead of me. But this is the home stretch, and I don't plan on any more repeat performances.
In the meantime, I'll be on the couch near the Christmas tree.