Me and Myself and Again
The other night I was up til about 3 am reading my old blog posts and getting reacquainted with my younger self. It's been fascinating to see how much some aspects of me have changed and how very little others have. And it was pleasant to look back and realize that I like my younger iteration a lot. I made myself laugh a lot - I used to be really witty, and a pretty good writer. And I may still be both, but it's hard to tell, since I am always on the inside looking out. People have recently told me both that I am funny and a good writer, so it stands to reason that it probably still holds true. Maybe.
Also, I am such a sentimental sap, and I like that about me, too.
....
I mentioned I was doing this retrospective to one of my friends and he said it's good to go back and regain a sense of yourself after a break-up. I suppose that is a good time to do so, but I think it's probably better to do it within a relationship - to remember who you are, and help hold onto the qualities that drew your person to you in the first place. I mean, how many times has a relationship crashed and burned because we stop being who we really are, or wanting what we used to want in order to fit some role, mold, or idea we think we need to squish ourselves into to make the relationship work? It may not be as common for men to do it as for women. And not all women have that problem, either, but I think it's common enough among all people.
So how do we hold onto our values through compromises, needs, insecurities, worries, and all the other hurdles we find in relationships? And how do we help our partner hold onto their stuff too? I don't know if there's a formula for it, magical or otherwise. But I feel like at least some part of a solution has to do with boundaries, and finding better ways to communicate and honor them for ourselves and our partner.
For instance, I've been guilty of passing my own insecurities off as judgements against a partner's choices or desires. It feels yucky when it happens, and it's hard to undo it. And the more that it happens, the less safe either person feels in expressing those things again. If the cycle continues, it just leads to further distance, numbness, and needs unmet. Then you feel like you can't even bring up the problem anymore, ever again. It becomes one of possibly many elephants in the room, and you are so busy dodging the elephants and pretending that there isn't a problem, no elephants here, thump, ouch! - that you miss the opportunities to fix things.
Ok, that metaphor may have gotten slightly carried away.
I think the way out of that trap is to be vulnerable and honest when a boundary experience occurs. If I feel insecure or upset about something my partner says, does, or wants to do, then I should figure out why it makes me feel that way, and then try to voice that to them, not as an accusation, but as an observation and a request for feedback. The way they react will tell you a lot about them, and yes, it may result in some uncomfortable conversations, or even an ending to the relationship, but isn't that something better to sort out earlier rather than after years of unintentional mutual torture? And that vulnerability may be rewarded with a returned vulnerability, compassion, and discussion, hopefully leading to finding a new, deeper bond with each other.
Anyway, that's the premise I've been working with for a while. I've seen my friendships deepen and bloom with this approach. It was too late to save my marriage, but even our friendship is improving. And the honesty has helped us both to understand where we were not so compatible to begin with, as well as where we just didn't have the tools and understanding to do things differently.
....
Returning to my old me feels almost like seeing me through someone else's eyes. It's a funny sort of cognitive dissonance to read something I wrote ages ago, that I had completely forgotten about, and be like, "Whoa! I can't believe I wrote that!" Sometimes the reaction is one of admiration, and sometimes, okay, often, it's embarrassment. Either way, it's fascinating to see what feelings emerge from it.
I read some posts about an old relationship I am not really proud of having had, and it released a lot of emotions in me. I found myself agitated at my weakness at the time - I knew then exactly what I needed to do, but couldn't or wouldn't bring myself to do it. But it was a valuable learning experience, and I damn well didn't make that particular set of mistakes again, so Yay me! I moved on to make new mistakes!
I'm convinced that we are doomed to repeat our mistakes over and over again until we learn the lessons that they can teach us. I don't think it's divine providence, or fate, or anything willfully imposed on us by the universe, though. However our personality comes about, it encounters pain, rejection, hardship, and bad stuff, and we formulate ways to protect and survive those things. Sometimes those survival tricks end up causing worse damage because we don't have the tools or help we need to put them away when (and if) the danger passes. Does that make sense? So we have these amazing sensitivities and needs that we hide because we had bad experiences when we revealed them, and we decide they are flaws, weakesses that make us broken or unlovable, and which need to be stamped out. If we "fix" our flaws and destroy them, then we will be lovable.
But what if we are looking at it backwards?
What if what we assume to be our greatest weaknesses and flaws are really pointing to our greatest gifts and talents?*
That is what I am wondering these days, as I revisit my old me, and see where I've stopped making some mistakes, gotten better at some things, and worse at others. What struck me deeply is that I am still fundamentally, at the core, the very same me. And I like a hell of a lot of what I see in there, especially when I apply the Gentle, Compassionate, Loving Curiosity Filter where I used to apply the Angsty, Angry, Guilty, Judgemental Filter.
* I'll let you know if I come up with an answer to that question. I have a feeling I'm going to be chewing on it for quite a while.
Also, I am such a sentimental sap, and I like that about me, too.
....
I mentioned I was doing this retrospective to one of my friends and he said it's good to go back and regain a sense of yourself after a break-up. I suppose that is a good time to do so, but I think it's probably better to do it within a relationship - to remember who you are, and help hold onto the qualities that drew your person to you in the first place. I mean, how many times has a relationship crashed and burned because we stop being who we really are, or wanting what we used to want in order to fit some role, mold, or idea we think we need to squish ourselves into to make the relationship work? It may not be as common for men to do it as for women. And not all women have that problem, either, but I think it's common enough among all people.
So how do we hold onto our values through compromises, needs, insecurities, worries, and all the other hurdles we find in relationships? And how do we help our partner hold onto their stuff too? I don't know if there's a formula for it, magical or otherwise. But I feel like at least some part of a solution has to do with boundaries, and finding better ways to communicate and honor them for ourselves and our partner.
For instance, I've been guilty of passing my own insecurities off as judgements against a partner's choices or desires. It feels yucky when it happens, and it's hard to undo it. And the more that it happens, the less safe either person feels in expressing those things again. If the cycle continues, it just leads to further distance, numbness, and needs unmet. Then you feel like you can't even bring up the problem anymore, ever again. It becomes one of possibly many elephants in the room, and you are so busy dodging the elephants and pretending that there isn't a problem, no elephants here, thump, ouch! - that you miss the opportunities to fix things.
Ok, that metaphor may have gotten slightly carried away.
I think the way out of that trap is to be vulnerable and honest when a boundary experience occurs. If I feel insecure or upset about something my partner says, does, or wants to do, then I should figure out why it makes me feel that way, and then try to voice that to them, not as an accusation, but as an observation and a request for feedback. The way they react will tell you a lot about them, and yes, it may result in some uncomfortable conversations, or even an ending to the relationship, but isn't that something better to sort out earlier rather than after years of unintentional mutual torture? And that vulnerability may be rewarded with a returned vulnerability, compassion, and discussion, hopefully leading to finding a new, deeper bond with each other.
Anyway, that's the premise I've been working with for a while. I've seen my friendships deepen and bloom with this approach. It was too late to save my marriage, but even our friendship is improving. And the honesty has helped us both to understand where we were not so compatible to begin with, as well as where we just didn't have the tools and understanding to do things differently.
....
Returning to my old me feels almost like seeing me through someone else's eyes. It's a funny sort of cognitive dissonance to read something I wrote ages ago, that I had completely forgotten about, and be like, "Whoa! I can't believe I wrote that!" Sometimes the reaction is one of admiration, and sometimes, okay, often, it's embarrassment. Either way, it's fascinating to see what feelings emerge from it.
I read some posts about an old relationship I am not really proud of having had, and it released a lot of emotions in me. I found myself agitated at my weakness at the time - I knew then exactly what I needed to do, but couldn't or wouldn't bring myself to do it. But it was a valuable learning experience, and I damn well didn't make that particular set of mistakes again, so Yay me! I moved on to make new mistakes!
I'm convinced that we are doomed to repeat our mistakes over and over again until we learn the lessons that they can teach us. I don't think it's divine providence, or fate, or anything willfully imposed on us by the universe, though. However our personality comes about, it encounters pain, rejection, hardship, and bad stuff, and we formulate ways to protect and survive those things. Sometimes those survival tricks end up causing worse damage because we don't have the tools or help we need to put them away when (and if) the danger passes. Does that make sense? So we have these amazing sensitivities and needs that we hide because we had bad experiences when we revealed them, and we decide they are flaws, weakesses that make us broken or unlovable, and which need to be stamped out. If we "fix" our flaws and destroy them, then we will be lovable.
But what if we are looking at it backwards?
What if what we assume to be our greatest weaknesses and flaws are really pointing to our greatest gifts and talents?*
That is what I am wondering these days, as I revisit my old me, and see where I've stopped making some mistakes, gotten better at some things, and worse at others. What struck me deeply is that I am still fundamentally, at the core, the very same me. And I like a hell of a lot of what I see in there, especially when I apply the Gentle, Compassionate, Loving Curiosity Filter where I used to apply the Angsty, Angry, Guilty, Judgemental Filter.
* I'll let you know if I come up with an answer to that question. I have a feeling I'm going to be chewing on it for quite a while.