no lies. just love

[lucyintherye]

so life has been both exciting and scary lately , but I realized I like that ... Ive been clean now for about two weeks and its weird how alert I am ... It's nice though .. I have a perception I never thought possible ... I have met a boy that has the brightest smile I've ever seen , I just wish I could keep the smiles coming instead of causing so much stress for him ... I never thought I'd like someone like him or even love someone like him ... i never thought I'd ever love anyone like this again ... it's the kind of love you just kind of dive into head first ... you hold nothing back ... "no lies. just love" He is the kind of boy that excites me and frustrates me ... and he makes me want to exist ... people Ive known in the past have only contributed to my depression and my addictions .. but he ... he just ... no matter how much he hurts me ... just knowing hes alive makes me want to stop taking pills and stop smoking and everything else Ive been doing ... just so I can stay alive one more day and just know ...just know that hes alive ... somewhere ... be it with me or not ... my friends and his say Im putting to much into him ... but i cant deny what i feel ... i think he feels it too ... some of it, at least, and i think if he'd just stop worrying so much about the past and right and wrong and the future .. I think he'd find that I could help him .. and that worrying about all that is the root of all his problems right now ... all I know though is that i just want to take his pain away and i wish he'd let me do that ... i wish i could write a song or one simple verse that might make everything more clear for him ... but I cant ... he's dealing with things now ... and he says he needs to do it on his own .. I can respect that and Im trying to allow him his break ... I hope Im doing what he needs me to do ... I hope that just backing off is enough ... because if Im making anything worse for him ... if i've ever caused him the slightest bit of discomfort Id hate that ... although I know all of these emotions are somewhat unrealistic ... because we all hurt eachother ... and we can never be perfect ... it doesn't hurt to dream right ... bottom line despite all that I've said ... it all boils down to just feeling right ... everything ... EVERYTHING feels right with Kyle ... even the bad feelings and the fights ... and the laughs and the way he calls me punk when he thinks Im being cute ... and how he teases me ... and how i tease him and how even though we arent together he still grabs my hand when we're in my car ... even when he pretends hes attempting to do something else ... i do it to ... i just want to be near him .. he makes me feel alive in all the right ways ... and i hope he realizes that ... i hope i do that for him ... and if i don't ... then I hope he finds someone that can, because I'd never want to take that feeling away from him ..

other than relationship stuff which seems to always be the topic of my blogs ... Im starting college in the fall ... even though I have been taking college classes for a year now ... its OFFICIAL in the fall ... august 29th to be exact ... Ill have 18 credist by the time fall starts ... which is quite a nice head start ... and Im thiking that I can get my associates of arts in one year ... although I dont have to do that ... i just know I can if I decide I need too ... so yeah I'm pretty excited about school ... i guess I'm more so ecited about freedom and the sooner I start school and finish the year the sooner I get to move to san marcos ... I think Im really ready to move out now ... I'm looking forward to it so much because I've been so sheltered for so long and a little bit of responsibilty and a few mistakes will help me grow up a lot .. which is something i desperately need to do .... and I dont mean i need to GROW UP ..per say .. I mean i just need to mature a little bit ... I'm quite a bit younger that alot of the people I'm going to be hanging out with soon , so i need to learn how to handle more mature situations and more mature relationships... other than Kyle school and my recent detox .. nothing is new ...

in closing,
i don't regret the things of done and I'm ready to move forward ... my addictions have taught me alot about myself and about others ... I know how low one can get and I'm looking forward to see how high I can get in a purely non-drug induced manner ... I'd like to mention I'm not straight edge or anything .. I'll still drink and do certain things but I know how to moderate it now ... before the problem was taking things in excess ... that was part of my immaturity ...but I'm growing and learning everyday.. and I'm glad for that ... and ready to live ... for once