(no subject)
I am living alone now. I have my own perfect little apartment on Perrier street. right behind Creols Creamery. I love it. It has a front porch, lots of windows, perfect wood floors, high ceilings with fans, and two fireplaces. I have a stone shower, dish washer and everything I have been looking for in a perfect place. I love that the only mess I have to clean is my own, and I can walk around naked with the only reservation of closing the blinds. I should be happy, right?
I am in graduate school now, I am working about 50 hours in a yeast molecular genetics laboratory and I am working on three projects that will lead to publications, two of which are almost certain to go to one of the top-ten journals in cutting-edge science research. I am really enjoying what I do, and I am surrounded by people who understand my sense of humor, and are people who I can totally act myself, with no weird glances and exclamations that I am weird.
My boyfriend is great, and our relationship is rewarding and we give so much to eachother.
I should be happy, right?
But I am slowly driving myself crazy. My life during the week is pretty fantastic, I wake up at 6am, run to Audubon park, around, and back, make coffee, breakfast and pack a lunch, and I am off to the lab for around 9am, with no one checking the clock if I am early or late. There is no early or late.
I should not be crazy.
Alone alone alone alone. I have too much time in my own head, not enough distraction, and I am driving myself crazy. I am obsessive over every little action I make and ruminate over others' words, and I worry, worry, worry. Am I leading a good life? Where is my research taking me? Is my relationship good? Am I fat? Why do I get drunk every time I drink? Why am I needy? Do I push Michael away? God god god, make the thoughts stop.
I guess that I why I have been drinking a little more, it shows the thoughts down. Lets me relax, but then I act like an asshole.
I can't let myself deteriorate every weekend. I have way too much alone time Friday-Sunday, now that I have quit Houston's. There is no one to talk to when I get home, when I wake, after a shower, and only my own reflection stares back in the mirrors. There are too many mirrors in my house, perhaps I should kick them.
How do I live alone and not go crazy? How am I supposed to be social when all I fill my time when all I do is study RTG1/2/3 and how they are implicated in the retrograde response of the mitochondria to the nucleus after nutrient starvation. How do I hold a conversation with people in the real world, and my boyfriend, when all that I can think about is transcription factors and if my pipetting skills are the source of some of my failure in the lab? No one is interested in what I am thinking about, and the only people who evern have a slight clue of what I am talking about work in my lab. I don't think Michael or our friends even know what a mitochondria is. This leads me to being crazy, living in a mental world constructed of the arcane knowledge that I have been amassing all in the name of basic scientific research.
What is the balance? I think I need to start reading the paper, daily. Perhaps this will help my interact with the public.
God, please, I don't want the agony anymore.
I am in graduate school now, I am working about 50 hours in a yeast molecular genetics laboratory and I am working on three projects that will lead to publications, two of which are almost certain to go to one of the top-ten journals in cutting-edge science research. I am really enjoying what I do, and I am surrounded by people who understand my sense of humor, and are people who I can totally act myself, with no weird glances and exclamations that I am weird.
My boyfriend is great, and our relationship is rewarding and we give so much to eachother.
I should be happy, right?
But I am slowly driving myself crazy. My life during the week is pretty fantastic, I wake up at 6am, run to Audubon park, around, and back, make coffee, breakfast and pack a lunch, and I am off to the lab for around 9am, with no one checking the clock if I am early or late. There is no early or late.
I should not be crazy.
Alone alone alone alone. I have too much time in my own head, not enough distraction, and I am driving myself crazy. I am obsessive over every little action I make and ruminate over others' words, and I worry, worry, worry. Am I leading a good life? Where is my research taking me? Is my relationship good? Am I fat? Why do I get drunk every time I drink? Why am I needy? Do I push Michael away? God god god, make the thoughts stop.
I guess that I why I have been drinking a little more, it shows the thoughts down. Lets me relax, but then I act like an asshole.
I can't let myself deteriorate every weekend. I have way too much alone time Friday-Sunday, now that I have quit Houston's. There is no one to talk to when I get home, when I wake, after a shower, and only my own reflection stares back in the mirrors. There are too many mirrors in my house, perhaps I should kick them.
How do I live alone and not go crazy? How am I supposed to be social when all I fill my time when all I do is study RTG1/2/3 and how they are implicated in the retrograde response of the mitochondria to the nucleus after nutrient starvation. How do I hold a conversation with people in the real world, and my boyfriend, when all that I can think about is transcription factors and if my pipetting skills are the source of some of my failure in the lab? No one is interested in what I am thinking about, and the only people who evern have a slight clue of what I am talking about work in my lab. I don't think Michael or our friends even know what a mitochondria is. This leads me to being crazy, living in a mental world constructed of the arcane knowledge that I have been amassing all in the name of basic scientific research.
What is the balance? I think I need to start reading the paper, daily. Perhaps this will help my interact with the public.
God, please, I don't want the agony anymore.