(no subject)
Yesterday I was woman.
What is woman? This is decidedly different from "girl" and "young lady."
Today I still feel "woman."
The past few weeks and months, really, have been an agony I can't quite describe. Yesterday I felt I had a breakthrough: I spend so much time wanting and wanting and wanting and getting upset when I don't get what I want from the people around me. Pointing fingers, feeling sullen, and overall being like a child.
I think I snapped out of "girl" yesterday and got a glimpse of "woman." The woman I felt yesterday (and also feel today) steps up to the plate for the people she loves. Yes, she takes care of her self, but she also does not sit around when the people around her could use a helping hand. Michael and I have been rocky and then good and then back again and yesterday I think I found what the problem is. He is a good, strong, hard-working man. He is the embodiment of "man." He is not "boy" or "young man," he is man, he is a very good man and he treats me the way a man would treat a woman and I think I have been not fulfilling my part as being a good woman.
So much of our discord of the past, I can now see, stems from him being a man and me being a girl. Yesterday it seemed I figured this out. I then figured out that much of my problems with my family stem from my immaturity and not "stepping up to the plate," so to speak.
Michael is very hard working, I reiterate. Lately he has been working a grueling 12-14 hour days with no real time off. This has resulted in him having difficulty keeping food in the fridge, keeping a good meal on the table (he normally does, and is a fantastic cook), keeping things as tidy as he likes (he is very clean, I have never seen a man vacuum and clean a bathroom like he does), and I have just been sitting around internally criticizing him for not cooking me as many meals, and internally criticizing him for socks on the floor and an unmade bed. All the while I have been expecting him to give give give me love, affection and tons of attention. He normally showers me with attention and affection, something I have been yearning for in a relationship, but when he started working even more, this started to wane. Yesterday I finally finally realized what a woman does for her man, she is there at his side, especially when he does not ask for help.
I felt renewed with a new sense of purpose: not only do I have a commitment to my school work, my future career and my family, I have a commitment to my man. And I need to be a woman and do the things with which he needs help and do them without expectation. I felt that, at last, I knew what it is to be a woman.
So, I filled his fridge with food he loves, bought new dish towels, did last weeks' dishes, cooked a nutritious and filling meal, washed the sheets, put all the clothes in the hamper, dusted the furniture, took out the garbage and did all the household duties that he normally does but has been prevented from doing after getting up at 5am and getting home at 8pm. If it were you, would you come home and do the dishes and make a nutritious meal? While I was doing these things for my man I felt calm, at peace, and for the first time in quite a while my anxiety and intense introspection seemed to wane to this new sense of purpose: to be a good woman for my great man.
While we were having candle-lit dinner, red-wine, and listening to a beautiful jazz-crooner, looked so handsome and calm and told me how much he appreciated my work today. He complimented my cooking and said how happy it made him to come home to a good-smelling clean house. He also told me how much he has been needing help but hasn't asked for anything from anyone. I knew then that my act was that of a woman in love. I was the kind of woman I want to be for my man, and he did not respond as I feared (with disregard or without notice) but responded in a loving, manly manner.
I feel amazing and think that if I expect to treat me as he has, like a caring, generous wonderful man, that I should reciprocate in a way fitting to a kind, generous, loving woman.
May I not lose sight of what it is to give.
What is woman? This is decidedly different from "girl" and "young lady."
Today I still feel "woman."
The past few weeks and months, really, have been an agony I can't quite describe. Yesterday I felt I had a breakthrough: I spend so much time wanting and wanting and wanting and getting upset when I don't get what I want from the people around me. Pointing fingers, feeling sullen, and overall being like a child.
I think I snapped out of "girl" yesterday and got a glimpse of "woman." The woman I felt yesterday (and also feel today) steps up to the plate for the people she loves. Yes, she takes care of her self, but she also does not sit around when the people around her could use a helping hand. Michael and I have been rocky and then good and then back again and yesterday I think I found what the problem is. He is a good, strong, hard-working man. He is the embodiment of "man." He is not "boy" or "young man," he is man, he is a very good man and he treats me the way a man would treat a woman and I think I have been not fulfilling my part as being a good woman.
So much of our discord of the past, I can now see, stems from him being a man and me being a girl. Yesterday it seemed I figured this out. I then figured out that much of my problems with my family stem from my immaturity and not "stepping up to the plate," so to speak.
Michael is very hard working, I reiterate. Lately he has been working a grueling 12-14 hour days with no real time off. This has resulted in him having difficulty keeping food in the fridge, keeping a good meal on the table (he normally does, and is a fantastic cook), keeping things as tidy as he likes (he is very clean, I have never seen a man vacuum and clean a bathroom like he does), and I have just been sitting around internally criticizing him for not cooking me as many meals, and internally criticizing him for socks on the floor and an unmade bed. All the while I have been expecting him to give give give me love, affection and tons of attention. He normally showers me with attention and affection, something I have been yearning for in a relationship, but when he started working even more, this started to wane. Yesterday I finally finally realized what a woman does for her man, she is there at his side, especially when he does not ask for help.
I felt renewed with a new sense of purpose: not only do I have a commitment to my school work, my future career and my family, I have a commitment to my man. And I need to be a woman and do the things with which he needs help and do them without expectation. I felt that, at last, I knew what it is to be a woman.
So, I filled his fridge with food he loves, bought new dish towels, did last weeks' dishes, cooked a nutritious and filling meal, washed the sheets, put all the clothes in the hamper, dusted the furniture, took out the garbage and did all the household duties that he normally does but has been prevented from doing after getting up at 5am and getting home at 8pm. If it were you, would you come home and do the dishes and make a nutritious meal? While I was doing these things for my man I felt calm, at peace, and for the first time in quite a while my anxiety and intense introspection seemed to wane to this new sense of purpose: to be a good woman for my great man.
While we were having candle-lit dinner, red-wine, and listening to a beautiful jazz-crooner, looked so handsome and calm and told me how much he appreciated my work today. He complimented my cooking and said how happy it made him to come home to a good-smelling clean house. He also told me how much he has been needing help but hasn't asked for anything from anyone. I knew then that my act was that of a woman in love. I was the kind of woman I want to be for my man, and he did not respond as I feared (with disregard or without notice) but responded in a loving, manly manner.
I feel amazing and think that if I expect to treat me as he has, like a caring, generous wonderful man, that I should reciprocate in a way fitting to a kind, generous, loving woman.
May I not lose sight of what it is to give.