Misanthrope?
Please forgive my self-indulgent stream of consciousness...
I am not a very social person. It bothers me sometimes. I am usually in a rush, in my own world, and most often both. When talking to other people who I don't know well I am nervous and hyper-aware of my facial expressions, the tone of my voice, replying in an acceptable manner, actually understand what they are saying (lately my hearing has been declining) and I am overall agitated in many conversations. I am bothered by being around masses of people, especially during a time that I am busy in my thoughts. I hate that I come off as snobby, misanthropic, self-absorbed, and self-important. Sometimes I wonder if these are just what people think or if they are my actual qualities. I can't tell but I am starting to suspect the former.
The problem comes in when I get lonely. I happily live in the isolation of my mind for most of the day but there comes a time when I need to get out. The predicament is that how does one be a social hermit? I like being inside my self but yearn for close relationships, yet these are hard to both cultivate and maintain when I need such a large amount of alone time to study and think.
Funnily enough, one of my new friends mentioned to me earlier in the week that she feels proud that I like her especially when I "don't like people." I am very confused and feel very bad that I don't like people, because although I don't want to be friends with the whole world I am very fond, very very very fond of the people with whom I am close.
I think about my relationship with Michael and how much he enriches my life, and how happy it has made me to achieve the level of emotional intimacy with someone as I have with him (something historically difficult and happens rarely) and then I get scared when I think of what it would be like to lose him. There would be a large void and that would be very lonely indeed.
What is wrong with me and will I always be like this? Somehow I suspect that it is so. When I take anti-anxiety medication I find myslef blissfully happy and easy to socialize but afterwards I feel scared, exposed and embarrassed at having been so unguarded. What a lonely life I think I shall live.
I am not a very social person. It bothers me sometimes. I am usually in a rush, in my own world, and most often both. When talking to other people who I don't know well I am nervous and hyper-aware of my facial expressions, the tone of my voice, replying in an acceptable manner, actually understand what they are saying (lately my hearing has been declining) and I am overall agitated in many conversations. I am bothered by being around masses of people, especially during a time that I am busy in my thoughts. I hate that I come off as snobby, misanthropic, self-absorbed, and self-important. Sometimes I wonder if these are just what people think or if they are my actual qualities. I can't tell but I am starting to suspect the former.
The problem comes in when I get lonely. I happily live in the isolation of my mind for most of the day but there comes a time when I need to get out. The predicament is that how does one be a social hermit? I like being inside my self but yearn for close relationships, yet these are hard to both cultivate and maintain when I need such a large amount of alone time to study and think.
Funnily enough, one of my new friends mentioned to me earlier in the week that she feels proud that I like her especially when I "don't like people." I am very confused and feel very bad that I don't like people, because although I don't want to be friends with the whole world I am very fond, very very very fond of the people with whom I am close.
I think about my relationship with Michael and how much he enriches my life, and how happy it has made me to achieve the level of emotional intimacy with someone as I have with him (something historically difficult and happens rarely) and then I get scared when I think of what it would be like to lose him. There would be a large void and that would be very lonely indeed.
What is wrong with me and will I always be like this? Somehow I suspect that it is so. When I take anti-anxiety medication I find myslef blissfully happy and easy to socialize but afterwards I feel scared, exposed and embarrassed at having been so unguarded. What a lonely life I think I shall live.