(no subject)
holding onto a realtionship that is probably dead. too scared to let go cause what if its not the end? what if its in my head? hes no longer excited to see me. i no longer trust him. its terrible. it seems like that would have to be the end. but we do have fun together. and we both love each other. maybe too much.
ive never wanted anything more than this. i think im only biding my time. its dead, and we are over but living in a ghost of a relationship. going through the motions like muscle spasms in the recently deceased. the things we need to "work on" are personality traits. things that make him, him. and me, me. we were different when we met. what i saw in him was what i wanted. what i wanted was the excited, always in a good mood, happy to see me and appreciative guy. and i was the super bouncy, playful and funny girl. im not that. im toned down around him cause my over the top good moods are too much for his constant black cloud of a mood.
theres a fair chance that i'll never NOT be excited to see him. thats irritating. i want to move out. ive wanted to for a while, but its not what he wants. thats not the "space" he wants. fuck. i have no idea what to do. "either work on it or dont" i feel like ive out in all the effort i can, and im not getting much back. its a shame that we cant just work it out. and i dont think we can. i feel really depressed rightnow. maybe im not looking at things the right way. but it seems that every time we argue the only "concluson" or "solution" i come to is that i should move out for a while. he wants me around less. and toned down. the excitement towards him hasnt left. his for me is long gone. "of course im not excited to see you. weve been together for 2 years" so thats it. im washed up already. maybe i should be talking to him about this. this talk would lead to fighting and thats not what he wants. but this last fight wasnt the first time i brought up the "making me feel special" thing. and nothing has changed before. and its not changing now. so doenst that just further prove that hes not making much effort. and hes not a bad person. and its not that i think he doenst love me. it just isnt working. but sometimes i feel so secure in our relationship. i guess thats caus ei KNOW he isnt going to go anywhere cause we could always jsut promise that we'll work on it, and postpone the fighting for a week. i know that the only way its going to end is if i do it.
thats my rant.
ive never wanted anything more than this. i think im only biding my time. its dead, and we are over but living in a ghost of a relationship. going through the motions like muscle spasms in the recently deceased. the things we need to "work on" are personality traits. things that make him, him. and me, me. we were different when we met. what i saw in him was what i wanted. what i wanted was the excited, always in a good mood, happy to see me and appreciative guy. and i was the super bouncy, playful and funny girl. im not that. im toned down around him cause my over the top good moods are too much for his constant black cloud of a mood.
theres a fair chance that i'll never NOT be excited to see him. thats irritating. i want to move out. ive wanted to for a while, but its not what he wants. thats not the "space" he wants. fuck. i have no idea what to do. "either work on it or dont" i feel like ive out in all the effort i can, and im not getting much back. its a shame that we cant just work it out. and i dont think we can. i feel really depressed rightnow. maybe im not looking at things the right way. but it seems that every time we argue the only "concluson" or "solution" i come to is that i should move out for a while. he wants me around less. and toned down. the excitement towards him hasnt left. his for me is long gone. "of course im not excited to see you. weve been together for 2 years" so thats it. im washed up already. maybe i should be talking to him about this. this talk would lead to fighting and thats not what he wants. but this last fight wasnt the first time i brought up the "making me feel special" thing. and nothing has changed before. and its not changing now. so doenst that just further prove that hes not making much effort. and hes not a bad person. and its not that i think he doenst love me. it just isnt working. but sometimes i feel so secure in our relationship. i guess thats caus ei KNOW he isnt going to go anywhere cause we could always jsut promise that we'll work on it, and postpone the fighting for a week. i know that the only way its going to end is if i do it.
thats my rant.