Restless-Naomily (chapter 2)
Naomi sat in 'silent medditation' on the vast expanses of sand at Sennen Cove.
The idea was for the mind to be blank, to allow focus on one specific thing, or on nothing at all
Naomi was desperately trying to stop her 'specific thing' from being Emily Fitch
She'd been in Cornwall for almost 3 weeks, her emotions were not so raw perhaps, she was less panicky, but she was not the same girl she had once been. She didn't think she ever would be. Her exterior had changed, but more subtly, she was even more vocal and arguementive than ever. 'Defensive', her mother had said. Her 'dont care' attitude was not entirely false. She did not really care about anything any more, all her high-and-mighty principles seemed so pointless.
The one thing she wanted more than anything else she had run away from, she'd been weak. She had got up and walked out, and Emily could not want her back, could she? Naomi had been selfish as ever, not even allowing her an explanation.
And so, she told herself, she would forget. She simply wouldn't let anyone else in, the barriers went up and would not come back down. She'd tried lettting people in, and proved herself a social disaster, never again. She cut herself off intentionaly, bringing with her only her huge bag, one change of clothes, a wetsuit and a lot of books. Her phone went in a bin outside college on the last day.
The JJ 'incident' had seemed liked the ultimate betrayal, just when Naomi had started to care...oh fuck that, she'd started to love her, more than anything else she'd ever felt in her life. It had made her feel sickeningly happy to be alive, Emily Fitch had done that, and Emily Fitch was all she wanted. She saw that so clearly now.
But Naomi had been angry, so angry that Emily could have done that! Emily was supposed to be the one who knew what she wanted, there to guide Naomi, help her, care. But now she saw that all Emily had ever done was care, she was a true friend to JJ when he needed her, and Naomi had not even given her a chance to explain. The blonde girl felt she could never deserve any form of love.
'Oh, shitting hell' she muttered to herself as she got up and walked away from the meditation, to a chorus of 'tuts'. Non-one liked her here anyway, she wasn't 'chilled' enough clearly. While her mother was happy to sit in clouds of insence, knitting blankets and henna-tattooing her ankles, Naomi was bored and restless 'disruptive'. She'd always hated these things. Ironically, it was the kind of thing Emily adored.
Naomi wandered away from the group, up the expanse of sandunes towards the high car park. Sitting down heavily in front of the centre's camper van, she pulled out a battered old copy of Northanger Abbey from her cavernous bag, she'd been getting a lot of reading done this holiday
"There is nothing people are so often decieved in as the state of their own emotions" too true...
She read the line four times, before the tears began to roll down her cheeks. Much as she had tried to put up the front, to accept that she was not wanted, she was a mess. She stared out over the water, past the surfers and splashing children, past the group still sitting peacefully, past the lifeguard hut and cafes below, and wept.
She hadn't done this since the day she found out, she'd not allowed her emotions to take over but now she did, and it felt good.
She let every memory come flooding back, from the first awkward night at middle school, to the best night of her life by the lakeside, the sound of the water only accentuating her sobs.
She could feel emily's perfect lips on hers, see her dark and sparkling eyes, always knowing the right thing to do, to reasure and to love.
Shit! why had she ever let this happen?! could she not do anything right? she had a sudden urge to get back to bristol, to throw her arms around Emily, hold her close and tell her how she felt. But she was scared, as ever. Far too scared of her feelings, of Emily's reaction, of humiliation to do anything, and so she cried more.
Maybe seconds, maybe an hour passed before Naomi felt a steadying hand on her shoulder.
'Naomi?' it was her mother, typical, here it came the lecture on allowing herself to relax, on not disrupting the experince for the group. She looked up slowly to see her mum looking worried, 'sweetie, what is it?'
'Oh, I, erm, just a bit homesick you know...not much company my age and stuff'
'You sure? you can tell me love, I know hurt when I see it, been there done that, got the proverbial t-shirt'
They sat together facing seawards before Naomi grabbed the oppertunity to vent.
''I made a mistake, again. I thought I was bettter... I judgedher... and, I... I lost the only thing I wanted. Fuck, mum, why do I mess everything up?!' her crying got worse again, as she struggled to put her anguish into words
'I think you may have inherited that from me love, sorry...But you have a chance dont you? you have your whole life. I don't, I wish I'd taken the chance while I had it, wish I'd been brave...'
'What?' naomi's sobs slowly stopping
'Tell me to bugger off if I'm wrong, tell me its none of my business, but would this have anything to do with that rather beautiful fitch girl?'
Her mum was more observant than naomi gave her credit for.
'Um, yeah...how did you know?'
'I'm your mum, not normally conventional, true, but somethings are obvious even to me. I could see it straight away, and I'm not going to say any more than this; You have the oppertunity, you love her enough, don't waste it. Just, just never ever let a good thing go to waste' She pulled her daughter into an awkward one shouldered hug, pecked her on the top of the head, and said 'I'm back down there when you want me love, but I wont expect to see you' and pushed her credit card into Naomi's hand before walking away
And Naomi knew. It was her chance to be brave, she did want emily back, and for once she was not going to fuck it up
'Mum!' she called out against the increasing breeze 'I owe you!' before running to the bus stop outside the car park just in time to catch the bus which would take her to the station, from where she could hope against hope to do the right thing. To make not only herself happy, but hopefully someone else too. It felt right. "Be brave"