Self-Healing Series: Signs of A Narcissistic Parent (#2)
Starting last week, I began really confronting the idea of both of my parents being narcissists, although very different KINDS of narcissists (also called "narcis" in this blog, pronounced "NAR-sees" for short). My ex husband was yet another kind of narcissist, unlike either of my parents in the sub-category section, but I'll get to that later.
For now, using the series by Dr. Ramani, I list the signs of a Narcissistic parent.
Check the video here: www.youtube.com/watch
Some points from the video to consider:
~ 80% of narcissists are men, so most narcissistic parents are fathers. Men's greater power in our society means that narci fathers do wider damage to more people, including moms in a family so she can't parent her children better.
~ However, narcissistic mothers, as primary caregivers, cause more damage on average on the smaller family scale.
SIGNS OF A NARCISSISTIC PARENT
1. Obsessed with their children's achievement. Either vaunting it or competitively putting the child down for it.
2. There is a Scapegoat in the complicated family system. [That would be ME.] They view the child as not good enough OR as a threat.
[I was seen as a threat by both parents.] They are often actively abused and/or woefully neglected. [BOTH! Lucky me!]
3. There is a Golden Child in the family system. [That would be my sister.] This child either is held up as the Perfect One who makes the family look good OR as the Pitied One who must be coddled and protected at all costs [sis is the Pitied One].
4. The parent in question may not be "grandiose" and yet seems to be difficult, selfish, challenging, not available, not present, neglectful, controlling, invalidating, emotionally distant... This helps me see the more subtle form of narcissism in my mother.
5. The ACoN (Adult Child of A Narcissist) is haunted for a lifetime feeling like they are not enough, not worthy, etc. Check! There is a feeling of persistent guilt just for being alive, and as if one has to legitimize their existence, so they never feel they can rest, relax, etc.
This is not a diagnostic, but just clues that there may be narcissism there and it's worth doing a deeper dive if you feel like it.
For now, using the series by Dr. Ramani, I list the signs of a Narcissistic parent.
Check the video here: www.youtube.com/watch
Some points from the video to consider:
~ 80% of narcissists are men, so most narcissistic parents are fathers. Men's greater power in our society means that narci fathers do wider damage to more people, including moms in a family so she can't parent her children better.
~ However, narcissistic mothers, as primary caregivers, cause more damage on average on the smaller family scale.
SIGNS OF A NARCISSISTIC PARENT
1. Obsessed with their children's achievement. Either vaunting it or competitively putting the child down for it.
2. There is a Scapegoat in the complicated family system. [That would be ME.] They view the child as not good enough OR as a threat.
[I was seen as a threat by both parents.] They are often actively abused and/or woefully neglected. [BOTH! Lucky me!]
3. There is a Golden Child in the family system. [That would be my sister.] This child either is held up as the Perfect One who makes the family look good OR as the Pitied One who must be coddled and protected at all costs [sis is the Pitied One].
4. The parent in question may not be "grandiose" and yet seems to be difficult, selfish, challenging, not available, not present, neglectful, controlling, invalidating, emotionally distant... This helps me see the more subtle form of narcissism in my mother.
5. The ACoN (Adult Child of A Narcissist) is haunted for a lifetime feeling like they are not enough, not worthy, etc. Check! There is a feeling of persistent guilt just for being alive, and as if one has to legitimize their existence, so they never feel they can rest, relax, etc.
This is not a diagnostic, but just clues that there may be narcissism there and it's worth doing a deeper dive if you feel like it.