Hosting Vs. Guesting: Making & Keeping Friends As An Adult
There's this article I came across about how difficult it is to make and keep friends after college age.
Link here --> www.artofmanliness.com/people/social-skills/3-things-no-one-ever-told-you-about-making-friends-in-adulthood/
Friends are my lifeblood, honestly. But I've learned the lessons the article points out on my own.
Basically, the article says that school is where we find our friends pretty easily from Kindergarten through college, but after college, making friends from work doesn't automatically follow in the same way, therefore:
1. You have to be proactive.
Making friends won't "just happen" organically like it did when we were in school. We have to pay attention and realize that we'll have to work at it.
For example, when I worked at Michael's Arts N'Crafts, a bunch of us were talking about our lack of social life. I was the one who said, "Wait a minute. We all enjoy one another's company... why don't we just start doing stuff with each other?" And then several others said, "Um... yeah... we should do that! Why haven't we before this?" And between that and Captain Nate being such a great manager, that group of people became a surprisingly bonded set of companions with friendships that lasted some thirteen years now!
So starting by inviting people over to hang is a big "how to" tip. So is the idea of starting either a formal or informal "club" of some sort.
I did that when I started a wine and cheese club with a group of ladies from Michael's. We tried various wines and cheeses and hung out and became friends. Another example is my starting pagan groups in my late 20s and then now. The point of clubs is a regular schedule (once a month Fridays or pagan holidays in my examples) so you reduce the hemming and hawing of where to go and who hosts and all of that. You create a schedule to meet and that helps create time to socialize and make and maintain friendships.
2. It Will Take Time (A Lot More Than You Think)
The article then talks about how it takes 2 to 3 times MORE time to make an acquaintance into a casual friend and then a casual friend into a regular friend, and then a regular friend into a close friend. There are steps, and adulthood comes with so many time sinks and responsibilities (especially if you have kids) that the distractions of it all mean patience and persistence are key.
Again, not going to the same school means that accumulating the time required for friendship takes longer because you're not in proximity with one another. (And at work, there's often the status differential or competition that can derail overtures of socialization outside work.)
3. Some People Are Initiators and Some People Aren't
THIS one I figured out a long time ago!
Becoming friends is so easy in our youth that we don't realize how much of it relies upon invitations and accepting invitations. Our parents or the school did much of it for us. But as adults, there is often an unspoken expectation that invitations should go fairly back and forth.
It's an unreasonable assumption that will make you lonely. Because the truth is that some people are inclined to host friends and events, and others are pretty much the 'guest' archetype who rarely initiate social plans. Hosts (which I never was in my youth, seeing as how my mother was a hoarder and my father a huge dick) like to get things going, but the guest types very rarely reciprocate. If host-types wait for the guest-types to match them, they will end up constantly disappointed. They may wonder if their guests even like them.
However, if the guest don't make excuses to decline, then the hosts can rest assured that they're wanted and liked:
"If you’re the host type, it can be tempting to fall into a sort of spiteful dejection: “Why do I have to always be the one who initiates things?! If no else cares, then I’m not going to care either!” It’s helpful to realize that the host/guest distinction doesn’t come down to a difference in character but a difference in personality. Some people just aren’t disposed to be social initiators, and while guest types may be disinclined to throw a party, they tend to have their own strength in being the life of one. It’s also helpful to consider your hosting proclivities as part of your vocation in life. You can play a vital role in bringing folks together, and creating fun, meaning, and memories in people’s lives. Embrace it as a calling. "
I realized in adulthood that it took an average of 5 to 10 invites sent out to a person to get a single invite back. However, it was worth it to me because it's difficult for me to be comfortable in spaces I don't have command of-- a comfy bed to sleep in, privacy, food that I like on hand, not to mention that I decide when and where and how if I'm the host. I get all the power, right? So... I actually prefer being the host now!
I've realized that people can be busy and shy, and it may take a few tries to convince them I'm "for real" wanting them to stop by and hang out. My efforts generally pay off, but it CAN take a few years. But what the hell else am I doing with my time, right? So it actually works out for me, to the point that having a cool house worth visiting complete with a guest bedroom was high on my list of priorities when Cat and I were looking for a place to move to. She's fine having her home to herself, but she liked what I found, and is getting used to guests popping by on the regular (though she asks for blocks of time without guests, too-- and I capitulate because her requests are not unreasonable in the slightest.)
The article suggests that the guest types should verbalize their appreciation of being invited more often, remember to tell hosts when they decline that it's not the host-- but rather circumstances, and to, YES, invite the hosts sometimes too, to even things out a bit from time to time.
All in all, not bad advice, and I've used the suggestions myself to create friendships throughout my adult life.
I would add that one should not limit themselves to befriending only people the same age, gender, or social status as themselves. Younger and older friends, richer or poorer friends, people of differing political or religious affiliations, all offer some great perspectives we'd otherwise miss and have gifts of their own that you can't get if you stick to socializing only with other people like yourself.
Link here --> www.artofmanliness.com/people/social-skills/3-things-no-one-ever-told-you-about-making-friends-in-adulthood/
Friends are my lifeblood, honestly. But I've learned the lessons the article points out on my own.
Basically, the article says that school is where we find our friends pretty easily from Kindergarten through college, but after college, making friends from work doesn't automatically follow in the same way, therefore:
1. You have to be proactive.
Making friends won't "just happen" organically like it did when we were in school. We have to pay attention and realize that we'll have to work at it.
For example, when I worked at Michael's Arts N'Crafts, a bunch of us were talking about our lack of social life. I was the one who said, "Wait a minute. We all enjoy one another's company... why don't we just start doing stuff with each other?" And then several others said, "Um... yeah... we should do that! Why haven't we before this?" And between that and Captain Nate being such a great manager, that group of people became a surprisingly bonded set of companions with friendships that lasted some thirteen years now!
So starting by inviting people over to hang is a big "how to" tip. So is the idea of starting either a formal or informal "club" of some sort.
I did that when I started a wine and cheese club with a group of ladies from Michael's. We tried various wines and cheeses and hung out and became friends. Another example is my starting pagan groups in my late 20s and then now. The point of clubs is a regular schedule (once a month Fridays or pagan holidays in my examples) so you reduce the hemming and hawing of where to go and who hosts and all of that. You create a schedule to meet and that helps create time to socialize and make and maintain friendships.
2. It Will Take Time (A Lot More Than You Think)
The article then talks about how it takes 2 to 3 times MORE time to make an acquaintance into a casual friend and then a casual friend into a regular friend, and then a regular friend into a close friend. There are steps, and adulthood comes with so many time sinks and responsibilities (especially if you have kids) that the distractions of it all mean patience and persistence are key.
Again, not going to the same school means that accumulating the time required for friendship takes longer because you're not in proximity with one another. (And at work, there's often the status differential or competition that can derail overtures of socialization outside work.)
3. Some People Are Initiators and Some People Aren't
THIS one I figured out a long time ago!
Becoming friends is so easy in our youth that we don't realize how much of it relies upon invitations and accepting invitations. Our parents or the school did much of it for us. But as adults, there is often an unspoken expectation that invitations should go fairly back and forth.
It's an unreasonable assumption that will make you lonely. Because the truth is that some people are inclined to host friends and events, and others are pretty much the 'guest' archetype who rarely initiate social plans. Hosts (which I never was in my youth, seeing as how my mother was a hoarder and my father a huge dick) like to get things going, but the guest types very rarely reciprocate. If host-types wait for the guest-types to match them, they will end up constantly disappointed. They may wonder if their guests even like them.
However, if the guest don't make excuses to decline, then the hosts can rest assured that they're wanted and liked:
"If you’re the host type, it can be tempting to fall into a sort of spiteful dejection: “Why do I have to always be the one who initiates things?! If no else cares, then I’m not going to care either!” It’s helpful to realize that the host/guest distinction doesn’t come down to a difference in character but a difference in personality. Some people just aren’t disposed to be social initiators, and while guest types may be disinclined to throw a party, they tend to have their own strength in being the life of one. It’s also helpful to consider your hosting proclivities as part of your vocation in life. You can play a vital role in bringing folks together, and creating fun, meaning, and memories in people’s lives. Embrace it as a calling. "
I realized in adulthood that it took an average of 5 to 10 invites sent out to a person to get a single invite back. However, it was worth it to me because it's difficult for me to be comfortable in spaces I don't have command of-- a comfy bed to sleep in, privacy, food that I like on hand, not to mention that I decide when and where and how if I'm the host. I get all the power, right? So... I actually prefer being the host now!
I've realized that people can be busy and shy, and it may take a few tries to convince them I'm "for real" wanting them to stop by and hang out. My efforts generally pay off, but it CAN take a few years. But what the hell else am I doing with my time, right? So it actually works out for me, to the point that having a cool house worth visiting complete with a guest bedroom was high on my list of priorities when Cat and I were looking for a place to move to. She's fine having her home to herself, but she liked what I found, and is getting used to guests popping by on the regular (though she asks for blocks of time without guests, too-- and I capitulate because her requests are not unreasonable in the slightest.)
The article suggests that the guest types should verbalize their appreciation of being invited more often, remember to tell hosts when they decline that it's not the host-- but rather circumstances, and to, YES, invite the hosts sometimes too, to even things out a bit from time to time.
All in all, not bad advice, and I've used the suggestions myself to create friendships throughout my adult life.
I would add that one should not limit themselves to befriending only people the same age, gender, or social status as themselves. Younger and older friends, richer or poorer friends, people of differing political or religious affiliations, all offer some great perspectives we'd otherwise miss and have gifts of their own that you can't get if you stick to socializing only with other people like yourself.