I Miss My Private Worlds
One thing I absolutely despise about this last year of constant attendance to reality is... I'm too busy dealing with what needs done to indulge in my favorite Type 4 type of coping mechanism: imagination.
My typical habit, once I have a routine set up and things are stable, is to spend a good 80% of my conscious time fantasizing about living other lives as other characters. I imagine out plots in intricate detail, and my mood is soothed considerably. I integrate much of my actions into my imaginings, and will even wash dishes and such while stories upon stories are woven and capture my attention.
It has been nearly a year since I could both relax enough and "tune out" enough to allow myself my normal functioning as a Type 4. And... I'm both really proud of myself for attending to the practical world, and really, really starting to chafe under all the "normal world" issues!
Much of it is that, Enneagrammatically, my strong Type 1 line (orderly, detail oriented, concerned with ideals and values) pretty much just takes over during times of crisis. During my divorce, I could not imagine things on my own to save my life (indeed, not being able to fantasize is a sign of deep distress in any Type 4!) Last year around this time, when Sharn's illness took a turn for the worst, and my household realized that the clock was ticking, my 1 line took over. It had to, and-- like I'm said-- I'm proud that I was able to step up and assist. I helped organize, research, come up with ideas and goals-- not to mention plenty of actual physical labor!
I have a few more months of such living/thinking left as we finish moving in. Even painting and decorating requires my attention to the reality of the moment. And I take great satisfaction in it, make no mistake!
Yet I don't feel truly myself, or truly at ease, until I am safe enough, and life predictable and comfortable enough, for me to release attachments to reality for periods of time. I can watch other people's stories, or listen to them on podcasts, but it's not the same as immersing myself into my own private worlds.
I really MISS my favorite Type 4 past time. I try to get a few minutes here and there-- but it's not the same. I have much to do, and I'm not in that mindset so much while reality takes precedence!
But as more tasks are successfully accomplished, and our home becomes more orderly and comfortable, as the yard is cared for and cleared out-- I have begun counting the days until our Housewarming Party and the official opening of Heron House to our friends and neighbors. This day may be in late September, or it may end up being a combination Housewarming/Halloween Party, but regardless, I know that there are only a few months left before I once more have access to all my projects and writing, and we have an orderly and lovely home. Life will continue at last as it should.
There is still much to do to get from HERE to THERE, but we're making steady progress, and my hope and motivation remain high. I have the best of rewards-- returning to my Type 4 mental habits-- awaiting me! And when this amazing house and grounds are made not just habitable, but guest-worthy, I'll have even better "background fodder" for my imaginings! So, the sacrifice is well worth it, beyond a doubt.
Almost there... just a few more weeks...!
My typical habit, once I have a routine set up and things are stable, is to spend a good 80% of my conscious time fantasizing about living other lives as other characters. I imagine out plots in intricate detail, and my mood is soothed considerably. I integrate much of my actions into my imaginings, and will even wash dishes and such while stories upon stories are woven and capture my attention.
It has been nearly a year since I could both relax enough and "tune out" enough to allow myself my normal functioning as a Type 4. And... I'm both really proud of myself for attending to the practical world, and really, really starting to chafe under all the "normal world" issues!
Much of it is that, Enneagrammatically, my strong Type 1 line (orderly, detail oriented, concerned with ideals and values) pretty much just takes over during times of crisis. During my divorce, I could not imagine things on my own to save my life (indeed, not being able to fantasize is a sign of deep distress in any Type 4!) Last year around this time, when Sharn's illness took a turn for the worst, and my household realized that the clock was ticking, my 1 line took over. It had to, and-- like I'm said-- I'm proud that I was able to step up and assist. I helped organize, research, come up with ideas and goals-- not to mention plenty of actual physical labor!
I have a few more months of such living/thinking left as we finish moving in. Even painting and decorating requires my attention to the reality of the moment. And I take great satisfaction in it, make no mistake!
Yet I don't feel truly myself, or truly at ease, until I am safe enough, and life predictable and comfortable enough, for me to release attachments to reality for periods of time. I can watch other people's stories, or listen to them on podcasts, but it's not the same as immersing myself into my own private worlds.
I really MISS my favorite Type 4 past time. I try to get a few minutes here and there-- but it's not the same. I have much to do, and I'm not in that mindset so much while reality takes precedence!
But as more tasks are successfully accomplished, and our home becomes more orderly and comfortable, as the yard is cared for and cleared out-- I have begun counting the days until our Housewarming Party and the official opening of Heron House to our friends and neighbors. This day may be in late September, or it may end up being a combination Housewarming/Halloween Party, but regardless, I know that there are only a few months left before I once more have access to all my projects and writing, and we have an orderly and lovely home. Life will continue at last as it should.
There is still much to do to get from HERE to THERE, but we're making steady progress, and my hope and motivation remain high. I have the best of rewards-- returning to my Type 4 mental habits-- awaiting me! And when this amazing house and grounds are made not just habitable, but guest-worthy, I'll have even better "background fodder" for my imaginings! So, the sacrifice is well worth it, beyond a doubt.
Almost there... just a few more weeks...!