(no subject)
Over the past week I have been reevaluating my life. Thinking about things I've done, things I want to do, and my past.
When you are waist deep in a hole you never think you can get out of, the last thing you think of is how it will change you. When life is at it's worst, I wish I could just stop and think about how much better it could be. God, give me the strength to do that.
I want to be more, amount to something other than this. I am working my butt off to do what? Become a average graphic designer at a small company? It's not what I want. I just want to be remembered, as something more than average. To just leave something behind, so one day someone can see what I see. Just to be able to look at what I've created and understand. Maybe only for a second, or maybe they will understand it all. Everything I feel when my brush hits the canvas, or see everything I want in the finished piece. I want to feel connected to it all, to carefully fit it all together, so one day I can let someone in.
When i step back and think about my past, it comes to me in pieces. The good seem to come first, clouding my mind.. deceiving me. Tricking me into believing it was ok. I wish my mind could tell my heart to let everything go. Thanks to a few good people, I have come to realize that what happened to me was not ok. I need to speak up, to stand up for myself. For once. It's so hard with my heart telling me to keep it in, but my conscious saying to let it out. I've got a deep dark secret, but I'm too scared to tell. Am I worried they will judge me? Am I worried they will ask me why I stayed, when it's only after that I can say I wish I was strong enough to walk away? Am I worried they will say something? Maybe, who's to tell. I just wish I could let it out.. all of it. Someone has to understand.. or maybe they won't. Maybe it's best left untold.
i wish there was a book about my life. a story carefully written just about me, explaining who i am and how i got here. something is there, on the pages, that isnt told anywhere else. no one else can understand, even through reading it, only by experiencing it. it would be just a glimpse into what i know, what i call my world. nothing huge, nothing small. every step just as important as the last. the book filled with chapters, pages, words.. meaningless to you, but everything to me. maybe you could begin to understand it all. not just the present, not just the good, not just the hard.. but me. finally, its all there. nothing to hide, no secrets. maybe then i could start to understand myself better. with all the memories in place, none lost or forgotten. would you read it? Would they understand?
Well, that's enough of that.
To help bring this to an end, a few words from the beloved Ben Folds,
"You have to learn to live with what you are."
When you are waist deep in a hole you never think you can get out of, the last thing you think of is how it will change you. When life is at it's worst, I wish I could just stop and think about how much better it could be. God, give me the strength to do that.
I want to be more, amount to something other than this. I am working my butt off to do what? Become a average graphic designer at a small company? It's not what I want. I just want to be remembered, as something more than average. To just leave something behind, so one day someone can see what I see. Just to be able to look at what I've created and understand. Maybe only for a second, or maybe they will understand it all. Everything I feel when my brush hits the canvas, or see everything I want in the finished piece. I want to feel connected to it all, to carefully fit it all together, so one day I can let someone in.
When i step back and think about my past, it comes to me in pieces. The good seem to come first, clouding my mind.. deceiving me. Tricking me into believing it was ok. I wish my mind could tell my heart to let everything go. Thanks to a few good people, I have come to realize that what happened to me was not ok. I need to speak up, to stand up for myself. For once. It's so hard with my heart telling me to keep it in, but my conscious saying to let it out. I've got a deep dark secret, but I'm too scared to tell. Am I worried they will judge me? Am I worried they will ask me why I stayed, when it's only after that I can say I wish I was strong enough to walk away? Am I worried they will say something? Maybe, who's to tell. I just wish I could let it out.. all of it. Someone has to understand.. or maybe they won't. Maybe it's best left untold.
i wish there was a book about my life. a story carefully written just about me, explaining who i am and how i got here. something is there, on the pages, that isnt told anywhere else. no one else can understand, even through reading it, only by experiencing it. it would be just a glimpse into what i know, what i call my world. nothing huge, nothing small. every step just as important as the last. the book filled with chapters, pages, words.. meaningless to you, but everything to me. maybe you could begin to understand it all. not just the present, not just the good, not just the hard.. but me. finally, its all there. nothing to hide, no secrets. maybe then i could start to understand myself better. with all the memories in place, none lost or forgotten. would you read it? Would they understand?
Well, that's enough of that.
To help bring this to an end, a few words from the beloved Ben Folds,
"You have to learn to live with what you are."