boo fricken hoo.

[luckystar60022]

i think i just made an idiot out of myself
on the phone
i dont know what the hell is wrong with me
ive had fricken bipolar extremes when it comes to mood the last week
like, today for example.
i was fine, happy, laughing for no reason and the next reason im realzing all the bullshit going on and bawling
i probaly cried at least four times today
i dont want sympathy
i just think its weird
ive had thoughts cross my mind that scare the shit out of me
and ill i want to do is go far away
and never come back
but then again running from your problems never seems to make them dissapear
they only become worse.
i dont know why i cant put my trust in anything

its the fear that gets me
i dont know how to describe it
i dont want to mess this up

i cant mess this up

but somehow i manage to mess up everytime
i always seem to doubt that someone can truly accept me for me
and i always feel like i allow myself to fall into everylittle trap

it like i have the mindset that the world is out to get me
and no ones truth is genuine.
but the reality is
i am my own biggest enemy
i proably really do bring everything on myself
it might be my shitty self esteem. who knows.
id like to be completley happy with myself, at least for a day

that is where the fear comes from.
that is what i am afraid of

i dont even know why im writing this
i just want someone to understand.
im tired of hiding everything
and wearing a mask.

its bullshit. i probaly go alot deeper then most people think

im just scared.