Tick, tock...
Time is such an amazing thing. It goes by so fast, yet at the same time so slowly. While that makes absolutely no sense at all- it's true.
Rich is home. I'm so happy, but so sad at the same time. Our days seem to be melting into one another and disolving faster than we can enjoy them. I feel like my time with him is slipping away from me so fast, and I keep trying to hold on to it but it's just impossible. When he's at work it's like the day couldn't go any slower, but when he comes home it's as if we're on hyperdrive all the time. Before we know it, it's time for bed and then we're up the next morning and he's gone again.
They told him that supposedly (as always) now he is not going to be in the advanced party going to Iraq. That now he's slated to go mid December. Doesn't make me feel any better. I hate not having an exact date. Trying to get someone out here to be with me is rather hard to do when I can't tell them a date so they can purchase a plane ticket. According to the commander, Rich will leave sometime around the 9th, 10th, 14th of December. Big difference between the 9th and the 14th if you ask me. I want more information. I'm scared I will be alone that day. Niki is coming on the 17th, but he will already be gone then, and she's already purchased her ticket (THANK GOD!! I have something to look forward to). Karen is trying really hard to get here, but she needs to know dates and I can't give them to her. If Rich really is leaving closer to Christmas, that means it is pretty unlikely my mom can make it out. So many people take time off where she works around Christmas, and they have this vacation book that goes out in the beginning of the year and you can't add to it once it's turned back in, so she obviously didn't put in for this time off which means it's quite possible she'll be denied due to lack of people there to fill in for her.
This whole thing is so exhausting and frustrating. I could scream and cry all day long if I allowed myself to. My emotions are worse than when I was pregnant. I go from one extreme to another. Mad one minute that he has to go and then almost grief stricken the next. I like it better when I can be mad- it's easier to hold back the tears that way.
Rich is having such a hard time with this coming up. He's been so emotional since he got home, and I can't say a damn thing to make him feel better. I hate that. He holds Autumn and sometimes will just break down, and it kills me. I want to make it easier for him, but I don't know how to. I can't even expect him to be ok with it. Hell, I'm not ok with it. I don't want him to go, and I know how much harder it will be on him than it will be on me. I will be at home with Autumn able to go see my family and watch her change and grow. He will only experience that through pictures and videos. It's not even close to the same, as much as we wish it were.
I am just so fucking lost. I want this next year to be over with so he will be home and we can move to another state and have a fresh start. So many other things are going on and it's just time to get out of here. I hate the people here, I hate the things that happen that cause problems for Rich and I in our marriage, and we just need out of this god forsaken place. It's always one thing after another. One wound healed and then ripped open again and again and I just can't take it anymore. I'm just tired of it all. So much more than I can explain. Or rather, than I want to explain. I'd just prefer to keep it to myself.
So much to deal with. I need my best friend here.
Rich is home. I'm so happy, but so sad at the same time. Our days seem to be melting into one another and disolving faster than we can enjoy them. I feel like my time with him is slipping away from me so fast, and I keep trying to hold on to it but it's just impossible. When he's at work it's like the day couldn't go any slower, but when he comes home it's as if we're on hyperdrive all the time. Before we know it, it's time for bed and then we're up the next morning and he's gone again.
They told him that supposedly (as always) now he is not going to be in the advanced party going to Iraq. That now he's slated to go mid December. Doesn't make me feel any better. I hate not having an exact date. Trying to get someone out here to be with me is rather hard to do when I can't tell them a date so they can purchase a plane ticket. According to the commander, Rich will leave sometime around the 9th, 10th, 14th of December. Big difference between the 9th and the 14th if you ask me. I want more information. I'm scared I will be alone that day. Niki is coming on the 17th, but he will already be gone then, and she's already purchased her ticket (THANK GOD!! I have something to look forward to). Karen is trying really hard to get here, but she needs to know dates and I can't give them to her. If Rich really is leaving closer to Christmas, that means it is pretty unlikely my mom can make it out. So many people take time off where she works around Christmas, and they have this vacation book that goes out in the beginning of the year and you can't add to it once it's turned back in, so she obviously didn't put in for this time off which means it's quite possible she'll be denied due to lack of people there to fill in for her.
This whole thing is so exhausting and frustrating. I could scream and cry all day long if I allowed myself to. My emotions are worse than when I was pregnant. I go from one extreme to another. Mad one minute that he has to go and then almost grief stricken the next. I like it better when I can be mad- it's easier to hold back the tears that way.
Rich is having such a hard time with this coming up. He's been so emotional since he got home, and I can't say a damn thing to make him feel better. I hate that. He holds Autumn and sometimes will just break down, and it kills me. I want to make it easier for him, but I don't know how to. I can't even expect him to be ok with it. Hell, I'm not ok with it. I don't want him to go, and I know how much harder it will be on him than it will be on me. I will be at home with Autumn able to go see my family and watch her change and grow. He will only experience that through pictures and videos. It's not even close to the same, as much as we wish it were.
I am just so fucking lost. I want this next year to be over with so he will be home and we can move to another state and have a fresh start. So many other things are going on and it's just time to get out of here. I hate the people here, I hate the things that happen that cause problems for Rich and I in our marriage, and we just need out of this god forsaken place. It's always one thing after another. One wound healed and then ripped open again and again and I just can't take it anymore. I'm just tired of it all. So much more than I can explain. Or rather, than I want to explain. I'd just prefer to keep it to myself.
So much to deal with. I need my best friend here.