So...
I havent been updating my journal cause I"ve been up to no good..no damn good I tell ya. I feel like such a fucking hypocrite! I hate feeling like I've set out to do something,and not accomplished it. I sort of feel that way about recent events, but not. Fuck it. You know, for those who really know me..will understand.For those that dont, I can only try to explain it like this. I"m like the deeply moved artist,who sees beauty and promise in everything. I feel with my whole being, my soul. Love to me, is the blood in my veins. It's what makes this fucked up life worth living. Without it, there is no purpose for me. I dont just mean romantic love. I mean, the love and deep admiration I have for the 3 souls I brought into this world, who never cease to amaze me. We have a deep primal kind of "knowing" of each other. The kind that you can never expierience with anyone else. They are my life blood, my soul, and without them I am nothing. They are the single most amazing thing I've ever done, or will ever do again. When I love, I love passionatly, and with every fiber of my being. I dont know how to love any other way. I"ve tried, it's miserable. I know I"ve lamented over the last month, and been through a whole gammet of emotions..whenever I skim over my LJ, and look at my writtings, I go...god, this chick is so up and down on the scale of emotions,and all so very intense. That's the only way to describe me really..intense. When I read myself, I can see the BPD,and it makes me sad. I often wish I could be "normal". I wish I could find pleasure where others do, in the mundane, but I cannot. I often wish I could be like everyone else. I am not like everyone else. I feel deeply, I have the greatest compassion, the most intense passionate soul,who sees beauty in every blade of grass, every gentle breeze, is moved to tears by every sunrise. I see emotions as colors, feelings as music, I see the larger picture in every small detail. I can meet someone, and instantly read thier insides. I can hear what they will not say,know what they are afraid of, see what they will not show to the world.When they look into my eyes, they can feel that I've made that connection, but cannot explain it. I have so much love in me, there arent enough ppl in the world to bless with it. My love is a lost treasure, buried in the sea, and only the bravest of divers discover her. When the box is opened, she's the lost ark. Beautiful and golden, blinding, mesmerizing,hypnotizing. She is pure in intent, and comforting like a mother's womb. There are those in my life who I have chosen to open my soul to, to love. There are those who have chosen me. The ones that have gently pried her open like an oyster with a perfect pearl. Tyler is one who has gently pried me open..and glimpsed at the treasure within. He has set himself on a course of patience, of decided action, of being worthy of her. Becouse of the deep connection I feel with him, I have given him a final opportunity to prove himself. Everyday with him I open a little more, everyday I feel a little safer, not so afraid of baring my treasures of soul...
more later
more later