Home Sweet Home
I am home. I feel like it's been forever since I've been here. In a way it has been. Excluding a week upon my return from Africa I haven't been home for a whole month this summer and I'll be gone a total of a whole other month by the time it's over. I came home found my iPod and decided to go for a walk to take in the brisk San Francisco evening. The air was refreshingly cool and I was sure to keep my shorts on and grab a hoodie to insulate me while still enjoying the weather.
When I first got in I caught up on last week's issue of the Guardian that reviewed and interviewed Leslie Feinberg's Drag King Dreams. THe interview sparked my interest and I decided to go pick the book up. So I walked over to the local bookshop on Market St and as I was waiting at the corner of Noe and Market to cross the street I peered over to my right at the flag. It was 7:59pm and the sun was in it's final glory as its rays lit up the flag from behind and casted a brillant light that made the rainbow of colors appear as if they were glowing. It was wonderful. THe breeze was cool and the wind was flapping the flag as it shone through the dusk.
I crossed the street and walked on past the all night cafe and the plant store where a homeless guy was taking harbor in a door way. From up the block I was able to see that he was writing something with a sharpie. Initially I figured it was a sign to add to his "help the homeless" campaign, but as I drew near I saw that he was drawing the most intricate of classic victorian illustrations in crosshatching and line. It blew me away. I walked past him and then stopped to watch him draw beyond where he could see me and feel watched. I wanted to go talk to him but I thought it well enough to let him be. What I had to say felt so trivial and I figured it was best to learn the lesson without interrupting the teacher.
So I hopped into the bookshop, got the book and like 4 magazines (it's an obsession), and then decided to walk to Walgreens and get some meds to aid in rebalancing my digestive tract. It's been a solid 4 weeks since everything has been right in that way. On my way down Castro an older guy in his 50's maybe early 60's was walkng beside me, but my speed found me a few steps ahead of him. I ducked into the coffe shop on Castro and as I turned to go out (they didn't have anything enticing) he was walking in and then spun around. The same thing happened at the other bookstore. THen I crossed the street, as did he and he followed me down the aisle- unfortunately for him I was headed straight for the Kaopectate! I've never seen someone take off quite so quickly. LOL
I stopped at Starbucks to get a Soy Chai latte and then came home. It was a nice lil stroll around the neighborhood. I am happy to be back in my bed tonight but am sure to find myself lonely at, oooooh, around 4am when I've become accustomed to a certain snuggly pup climbing into bed and wrapping his lil body around me as he snuggles his head onto the crook of my arm and tosses his arm over my chest. For some folks that can be the most annoying thing ever, but I've always been a snuggler and I think for the first time ever I've truly met my match! My niece was a big cuddler when she was a babe, but she was always a toss and turn sleeper. Same with my parents when I was a kid- Dad was often dead to the worl, snoring and not a night time cuddler and Mom only had so much of a tolerance for cuddling-- she really needs her space. My nephew was more of a sleep on you if your in his way kinda guy, not quite a snuggler. My brother was as fitful as my niece as a kid though when I was really lil I can remember him snuggling up with me until I fell asleep. And most of the guys I dated, barring one, weren't the kind that could really spoon or cuddle as a long distance sport, it was more of a foreplay or afterglow activity, which is nice, but not what I am talking about here. THis kid knows how to snuggle up and cuddle for the long sleepy haul, he ROCKS! We are definitely pod children where that is concerned.
Oh and while I am still gushing about said lil one, I was sad to say goodbye today, eventhough I know I'll see him again before the summer is up. When I said goodbye, Matt was telling him to say good bye and Thank you, but instead he stopped what he was doing and said I love you, Mason. OMFG. Was I awestruck. That boy melted my heart.
Seriously this week in Davis taught me a few things about what I want in life and being a parent is definitely one of them. I also have to say that I don't have ANY fucking clue how Matt has pulled the whole credentialing, parenting, working thing off and still came out with such an amazingly wonderful child, but I am really clear now that I am not of the personality to be able to pull off such a stunt so gracefully. Spending the week with my sole focus being taking care of the child, the house and handling minor personal things (bills, reading for make-up school work, etc) was just enough for me to enjoy my time with him and be able to be level and handle everything well. I'm not saying I want a stress-free life w a child-- that is impossible, I am simply saying I am now especially certain that my intuition about parenting later on when things are more stable and my life is more simply focused is the way that I will best thrive as a parent. And I am certain that parenting is something I want to do in this life. I think before I was uncertain because I didn't want to be a single parent, but at this point I can see that regardless of how much more difficult that may be, if my life and career are set up in a stable way, it wouldn't be as difficult as it seems when I add it onto all the hecticness of my current life. Does that make any sense? Sometimes I think I won't get the opportunity because of the fact that I am already over the 30 hump and looking at at least another 4-5 years before considering parenting, but then I look around me and I have friends as old as 48 starting their family, and that gives me hope and perspective and most of all patience for the moment and all the future moments to come when the time is right and when I am ready.
I walked around my neighborhood tonight and I felt blessed to live where I do and feel as comfortable and at home as I am. I also took deep breaths that filled me with the abillity to recognize that this may not be the place I call home forever and that is just fine. WHen the time is right and what's next shows up I can welcome it with open arms and embrace the opportunity to create yet another definition of home and family and it will offer just as many blessings and comforts in its own way and that will be a beauty all its own. It's all about the journey, and what a journey it is.
When I first got in I caught up on last week's issue of the Guardian that reviewed and interviewed Leslie Feinberg's Drag King Dreams. THe interview sparked my interest and I decided to go pick the book up. So I walked over to the local bookshop on Market St and as I was waiting at the corner of Noe and Market to cross the street I peered over to my right at the flag. It was 7:59pm and the sun was in it's final glory as its rays lit up the flag from behind and casted a brillant light that made the rainbow of colors appear as if they were glowing. It was wonderful. THe breeze was cool and the wind was flapping the flag as it shone through the dusk.
I crossed the street and walked on past the all night cafe and the plant store where a homeless guy was taking harbor in a door way. From up the block I was able to see that he was writing something with a sharpie. Initially I figured it was a sign to add to his "help the homeless" campaign, but as I drew near I saw that he was drawing the most intricate of classic victorian illustrations in crosshatching and line. It blew me away. I walked past him and then stopped to watch him draw beyond where he could see me and feel watched. I wanted to go talk to him but I thought it well enough to let him be. What I had to say felt so trivial and I figured it was best to learn the lesson without interrupting the teacher.
So I hopped into the bookshop, got the book and like 4 magazines (it's an obsession), and then decided to walk to Walgreens and get some meds to aid in rebalancing my digestive tract. It's been a solid 4 weeks since everything has been right in that way. On my way down Castro an older guy in his 50's maybe early 60's was walkng beside me, but my speed found me a few steps ahead of him. I ducked into the coffe shop on Castro and as I turned to go out (they didn't have anything enticing) he was walking in and then spun around. The same thing happened at the other bookstore. THen I crossed the street, as did he and he followed me down the aisle- unfortunately for him I was headed straight for the Kaopectate! I've never seen someone take off quite so quickly. LOL
I stopped at Starbucks to get a Soy Chai latte and then came home. It was a nice lil stroll around the neighborhood. I am happy to be back in my bed tonight but am sure to find myself lonely at, oooooh, around 4am when I've become accustomed to a certain snuggly pup climbing into bed and wrapping his lil body around me as he snuggles his head onto the crook of my arm and tosses his arm over my chest. For some folks that can be the most annoying thing ever, but I've always been a snuggler and I think for the first time ever I've truly met my match! My niece was a big cuddler when she was a babe, but she was always a toss and turn sleeper. Same with my parents when I was a kid- Dad was often dead to the worl, snoring and not a night time cuddler and Mom only had so much of a tolerance for cuddling-- she really needs her space. My nephew was more of a sleep on you if your in his way kinda guy, not quite a snuggler. My brother was as fitful as my niece as a kid though when I was really lil I can remember him snuggling up with me until I fell asleep. And most of the guys I dated, barring one, weren't the kind that could really spoon or cuddle as a long distance sport, it was more of a foreplay or afterglow activity, which is nice, but not what I am talking about here. THis kid knows how to snuggle up and cuddle for the long sleepy haul, he ROCKS! We are definitely pod children where that is concerned.
Oh and while I am still gushing about said lil one, I was sad to say goodbye today, eventhough I know I'll see him again before the summer is up. When I said goodbye, Matt was telling him to say good bye and Thank you, but instead he stopped what he was doing and said I love you, Mason. OMFG. Was I awestruck. That boy melted my heart.
Seriously this week in Davis taught me a few things about what I want in life and being a parent is definitely one of them. I also have to say that I don't have ANY fucking clue how Matt has pulled the whole credentialing, parenting, working thing off and still came out with such an amazingly wonderful child, but I am really clear now that I am not of the personality to be able to pull off such a stunt so gracefully. Spending the week with my sole focus being taking care of the child, the house and handling minor personal things (bills, reading for make-up school work, etc) was just enough for me to enjoy my time with him and be able to be level and handle everything well. I'm not saying I want a stress-free life w a child-- that is impossible, I am simply saying I am now especially certain that my intuition about parenting later on when things are more stable and my life is more simply focused is the way that I will best thrive as a parent. And I am certain that parenting is something I want to do in this life. I think before I was uncertain because I didn't want to be a single parent, but at this point I can see that regardless of how much more difficult that may be, if my life and career are set up in a stable way, it wouldn't be as difficult as it seems when I add it onto all the hecticness of my current life. Does that make any sense? Sometimes I think I won't get the opportunity because of the fact that I am already over the 30 hump and looking at at least another 4-5 years before considering parenting, but then I look around me and I have friends as old as 48 starting their family, and that gives me hope and perspective and most of all patience for the moment and all the future moments to come when the time is right and when I am ready.
I walked around my neighborhood tonight and I felt blessed to live where I do and feel as comfortable and at home as I am. I also took deep breaths that filled me with the abillity to recognize that this may not be the place I call home forever and that is just fine. WHen the time is right and what's next shows up I can welcome it with open arms and embrace the opportunity to create yet another definition of home and family and it will offer just as many blessings and comforts in its own way and that will be a beauty all its own. It's all about the journey, and what a journey it is.