something new
so although i may not be a virgin- in more ways than one- i am a virgin to bloging online- ive been writing for as long as i can remember- poetry- short stories- prose- journals of all sorts- its my passion- its what i love to do- its my therapy and my amusement- i never had an on-line journal but i have friends and family on here- over the years ive gotten more open with sharing my writings with people- ive posted random thoughts before on social networks but i thought to try something new- its always good to get outside opinions from random people sometimes i feel- soim leaving it open for whoever to read if anyone chooses to do so
for a first post let me introduce myself a bit- i just turned 30 not but a few months ago- thought i had found someone serious who could see possibly setteling down with- of course life happens and everone eventually wakes up- im not one to believe in 'love at first sight' or any of the storybook ending really- i have too much realism amongst my family to believe in any of that- not that im totally scorned or bruised- i still have some hope- anyway shortly after my bday during the holidays said lover decided to 'take a break' - funny three stressful and heartbreaking weeks later.......i discover im going to be a mom! in an utmost strange way i shocked myself when i finally took my test and found out the positive that i was expecting- i was not freaked out- i never had the 'oh shit' moment- all i could think about was that i was going to be a mom and all i could think of was i hope its a boy! i have a fairly small family but i am super close with my older brother his wife and my younger sister and her hubby- a few more extended family i keep in touch with as well- aside from the fact that im single- being that the ex wants nothing to do with the baby- i am still excited about becoming a mom even though i never thought to have kids of my own-
with that being said- being pregnant changes Everything as any woman or parent can firmly agree with- sure inthe future you make sacrifices and do the unthinkable to make sure your little one is provided for and loves and nurtured- but in the man time while still in the womb you make changes and your thought process changes as well- other than just tossing out the parliments and giving the 2 bottles of good wine (i had just bought before i took my test) to a friend- ive had to toss out the idea of dating as well- i mean it took some time to get over the ex but i soon found out shortly after he wanted to slow down was because he was seeing someone else- go figure- im not really heartbroken about 'us' being no more i was a lil shocked at the fact that he doesnt want to claim our child- granted he has one daughter already but how does one favor one child over the other- some questions will never be answered- maybe some questions werent meant to be answered- so in my new journey to self discovery in my new life as a single expecting mother- one question the keeps poping up into mind is......will i ever date again? granted its not currently on my list of priorities at the moment- getting focused on health care and making my doctors appts and getting my finances in line for when my son comes ( oh yes btw i am having a boy! yay, currently 6mths due in aug) and moving back to my home city austin- presently residing on houston where ive been for the past 3 1/2 yrs. - i will have to admit that i do get hit on and asked out fairly often- i do however work in a sports bar- occupational hazzard sometimes- some are ligit but some are just drunk old guys being male- most of the time i have a rule about not dating people i meet at work or with people i work with- every now and then though someone will come along and tease my boundries- after all rules are made to be broken right ;) cant be good all the time-
i will be the first to admit that i am a scorpio and as anyone who follows even in the slightest bit of astrology- that scorps are.....fiesty? bold? indulgent when it comes to sex- yeah im very sexual ill proudly say- and being that i am recently single and also pregnant now- everything screeched toa hault- bummer :( and can i mention that being a bunny as the norm my urges sore but being preggo and with all these extra hormones.....uh yeah. ten fold- granted ive had offers from random men at work- but most of them could be my dad and thats just way too weird and leads to too many doors of psychological issues- however- i have recently met a guy a little younger than i and am slightly intrigued- we went to a movie the other day and have chit chatted a bit here and there- and even though i am not looking for anything serious (because i plan on moving after the new year) i am still not one to be a hermit just because i am preggers-
so my question is- do i keep him around for fun- or just be boring and celiabate and keep to other resources of self gratification- in the past when between relationships i never had a problem just having a 'fuck buddy' i suggest that everyone at one point in their life has had one or should- ive always been honest as well- wheather i wanted something more or not- its easier to just be upfront about things to know where each stands- and if you dont agree then no wasted time- and no hard feelings- but as i stated earlier being pregnant changes everyting- now all of a sudden im nervous and feel weird to hang out with a male again- knowing what i want and where he wants things to go as well- inevitably it always ends up naked and sweaty and if its really good i crave ice cream after- then sleep lol- im 6 months and carrying an extra 30+ lbs so its obvious that i am pregnant and he knows this and we talked about it and he doesnt seem to be bothered by it- he jsut wants to become friends and to see me- even tho sometimes i feel ginormous and hugely bloated its all in my belly- six months preggo and i can still fit into my normal pants/jeans- and even tho ive always thought and still think that pregnant women are beautiful its different on the other side- ugh my hormones are raging and im crawling the walls and flat out want/need to get laid- what to do because all i can think about is how unattractive i feel right now- even tho i know its just hormones talking- its kind of nerve racking being pregnant and talking to someone new- being my first and quite possibly my only- i feel atloss in this situation- do i give in to the human urges and desires- what can it hurt right i mean im already pregnant- the chances of getting knocked up a second time while already pregnant are very slim.....very slim- the doc and books both say that other than worring about infections and std, having sex wont harm the baby- along with kegiel exercises its good 'practice' for when the birth actually takes place
hmmmmm im still not sure- although i do miss the intimacy- guess we'll find out which has a stronger power, me or my hormones, later on when the boy comes over to hang out......
to be continued....