to be fake or not to be fake
another restless night- woo hoo- guess i have a lot on my mind lately- aside from financial burdens (that i can never escape) and the up coming labor of my first born- its what im going to do afterwords once i am back home in austin- although i cant wait to be back home with my friends and family- mainly marcus conny- my crazy lil kaleb- but we also know who else resides in the same city................linda- this is where my question comes in- to give in and be fake like her or not to
its been almost 3 years since we've really spoken- the last time was at her house when i was "uninvited from family day" and i came over anyway- we had it out and she said i wasnt allowed with out being invited to family functions....at least at her house- so i told her she didnt have to worry about seeing me anymore- and for a while she didnt- the only time weve really seen each other was last year in the hospital- and that was only by default because marcus was in for almost 2 months so naturally we were there at the same time sometimes- but i still never spoke to her- and we really havent spoken since either- it actually makes life a little easier- theres a little less stress and worry- i know i can be stubborn sometimes about things i truly feel passionate about- and letting her into my life...and ryleys life is a huge debate for me- we have a lot of broken ground that over the decaeds i have tried numerous times to get her to talk it out and fix things- yet she just denies everyting and pretends that shes donna fucking reed to a brady bunch family- when in all reality we couldnt be more opposite- in my eyes you cant completely move onto the future and expect to have stable grounds unless you fix the broken patches from the past- you have to forgive yourself before you can go on with life- and denying certian things and pretending they didnt happen isnt forgiving and isnt the healthy way to life your life- but if one lies to themselves for so long i think after a while they start to belive its true- so how do we overcome this never ending battle??
granted since becoming a grandma linda has shown a great care and is a big part of the kids lives- she does the typical spoil factor i guess and makes sure in hard times theyve never gone without- at the same time though i still feel like its all a show- and that one day the kids will see beyond the surface image and be old enough and be able enough to see deeper into her actions and her relationships with us all- i mean we all know that darian witnessed that first hand last summer- and man was it hard not to knock linda in the face for what she did and they way she treated her- that was the first time darian started to see how her ever so loving grandma can really be- it made her uncomfortable to not want to stay at her house anymore- sure things are ok now- but at the same time she is also old enough and smart enough to see things further- kaleb is still to young to see these things and at the moment there really isnt anything going on either- but whos to say when he gets older he wont start to see it too- i am thankfull for how she cares for the kids and when marcus and conny need help shes there for the kids sake- and i can understand that completely- you do what ever you have to for your kids- at the same time i just dont know if i can give into her and pretend to be "mother and daughter" so that she can see ryley- even though we havent spoken in quite some time i figured maybe- just maybe shed come around and apologize to me and patch things up since she found out i was pregnant- thought maybe shed want to fix things so that she can meet her grandson and want to be in his life- alas no- not one word- if she were just to admit and show some kind of remorse for all the things shes done i just might take her into consideration- but at this point i just cant do it- i feel bad sometimes in the fact that ryley wont have any grandparents- but at the same time i also dont want someone whos so fake and ingenuine around my kid- am i robbing him because im being selfish? or is he better off without her? i just dont want him to get attatched and then one say something happen b/t me and her and ryley not be able to see her anymore- UGH - im glad sarian and kaleb have such a good relationship with jeff and linda- but i think ill just keep to my usual factor of sharing family time when they arent around- i wnat to make sure i give as much stability as i can for my lil man- and lindas and my relationship is far from stable! lol
on the other hand- ryley had 3x as many "aunts" and "uncles" to make up for the lack of grandparents so i think he'll be ok ;)
OI its 3am and i have to work in the morning- goodnight for now.....
its been almost 3 years since we've really spoken- the last time was at her house when i was "uninvited from family day" and i came over anyway- we had it out and she said i wasnt allowed with out being invited to family functions....at least at her house- so i told her she didnt have to worry about seeing me anymore- and for a while she didnt- the only time weve really seen each other was last year in the hospital- and that was only by default because marcus was in for almost 2 months so naturally we were there at the same time sometimes- but i still never spoke to her- and we really havent spoken since either- it actually makes life a little easier- theres a little less stress and worry- i know i can be stubborn sometimes about things i truly feel passionate about- and letting her into my life...and ryleys life is a huge debate for me- we have a lot of broken ground that over the decaeds i have tried numerous times to get her to talk it out and fix things- yet she just denies everyting and pretends that shes donna fucking reed to a brady bunch family- when in all reality we couldnt be more opposite- in my eyes you cant completely move onto the future and expect to have stable grounds unless you fix the broken patches from the past- you have to forgive yourself before you can go on with life- and denying certian things and pretending they didnt happen isnt forgiving and isnt the healthy way to life your life- but if one lies to themselves for so long i think after a while they start to belive its true- so how do we overcome this never ending battle??
granted since becoming a grandma linda has shown a great care and is a big part of the kids lives- she does the typical spoil factor i guess and makes sure in hard times theyve never gone without- at the same time though i still feel like its all a show- and that one day the kids will see beyond the surface image and be old enough and be able enough to see deeper into her actions and her relationships with us all- i mean we all know that darian witnessed that first hand last summer- and man was it hard not to knock linda in the face for what she did and they way she treated her- that was the first time darian started to see how her ever so loving grandma can really be- it made her uncomfortable to not want to stay at her house anymore- sure things are ok now- but at the same time she is also old enough and smart enough to see things further- kaleb is still to young to see these things and at the moment there really isnt anything going on either- but whos to say when he gets older he wont start to see it too- i am thankfull for how she cares for the kids and when marcus and conny need help shes there for the kids sake- and i can understand that completely- you do what ever you have to for your kids- at the same time i just dont know if i can give into her and pretend to be "mother and daughter" so that she can see ryley- even though we havent spoken in quite some time i figured maybe- just maybe shed come around and apologize to me and patch things up since she found out i was pregnant- thought maybe shed want to fix things so that she can meet her grandson and want to be in his life- alas no- not one word- if she were just to admit and show some kind of remorse for all the things shes done i just might take her into consideration- but at this point i just cant do it- i feel bad sometimes in the fact that ryley wont have any grandparents- but at the same time i also dont want someone whos so fake and ingenuine around my kid- am i robbing him because im being selfish? or is he better off without her? i just dont want him to get attatched and then one say something happen b/t me and her and ryley not be able to see her anymore- UGH - im glad sarian and kaleb have such a good relationship with jeff and linda- but i think ill just keep to my usual factor of sharing family time when they arent around- i wnat to make sure i give as much stability as i can for my lil man- and lindas and my relationship is far from stable! lol
on the other hand- ryley had 3x as many "aunts" and "uncles" to make up for the lack of grandparents so i think he'll be ok ;)
OI its 3am and i have to work in the morning- goodnight for now.....