Mothers Day
so today is mothers day- ive already gotten some mommys day wishes and even my first card- well its froma co-worker and is at work since im off today- but its still a warming sensation even tho i still consider my self not a full mom yet but a mom-to-be- im not real close to my mom and its been like that for many many many years now- i cant remember having any sort of mother/daughter time even as a small child- i always felt like she did things because she felt obligated to or to make herslef look good- even as a young child, tho sometimes bare and nieve, i still felt slightly reserved about her intentions- ive never felt the connection to confide in her- tho ive tried over the years to mend 'our broken wings' but as we can all see the results a baren- we havent even really spoken in almost 2 yrs (with the exception of seeing her in the hospital last summer when marcus fell- but still few words)
its kind of sad the fact that at this point in time Ryley most likey will never know his grandparents- on either side- tho he has a crap ton of amazing aunts and uncles! being mothers- no i dont call her-however tho i Do make sure to call or at least txt/email my twin aunts diana and liza- i am fortunately super close with them and have uber respect and love for them- i most deff confide in them and have had many many awesome bonding and wonderful memories with them <3 they have both helped me in numerous ways over the years and i couldnt ask for anything more- i am greatful and thankful- i also have quite a few friends with kiddos and make apoint to honor them as well...because you know i do love all my kids! ;) yes i count my nieve and nephew and all my friends kids as my own- we all share birthdays and holidays and just random 'family' days together- not to mention i have the most amazing 2 sister-in-laws- well one is technically an ex but we are still close- with all her ups and downs and struggles and trials in life she has raise the most beautiful-smart-well behaved- goal oriented talented daughter ANYONE could ask for- my niece Darain is so amazing- she and i deffinately have that close bond that i have with my aunts- we share special spots and places and special sayings and i hope that it never fades- her mom angie is truly a wonderful mom- i dont think i have ever seen such a close and genuine friendship between an ex wife and the current wife like there is between angie and conny- conny and marcus ahve been together for ab 6yrs or so- i think- and what makes her so amazing too is not only the mother of my off the wall- super smart (sometimes -alic, tho darian too) absolutely adorable charasmatic nephew Kaleb- she has the same emotions and bonds with darian- but how can you not love those kids- i think angie and conny are deff my 2 fav moms- because even tho in most normal cases its rare for both ex and current to get along- but they both also have the understanding andpersonality- that its about the kids- they arent evil or devious and certianly dont cause 'cat fights' they have a common ground and the relish in the fact that they are both great with both of their kids- not to say that diana and liza arent both amazing as well- because even tho they are simply titled as 'aunts' to marcus and i- they are truely more than that and i try to make sure that they know it too- they have always been there for us when ever we needed anything- from just some family time to advice to teaching me how to drive ect...
with all the mothers and fathers- good- bad- amazing- absent- it has given me the inspiration and the motivation to want to be everything to ryley- i have to say up until i thought i was pregnant and to when i finally took my test- i had never planned/wanted kids of my own- for one i have terrible/sometimes failing kidneys and i always feared that it would do even more damage to my body if i had to carry- still is a concern but i just take it one day at a time and my doc knows of my problems- the other is- no offense to my fam- but given our track record not being onthe better half- i didnt want to fall into the curse of which i have fallen into anyway- single- and not just the single factor of sharing custody- but single in the fact that the father is out of the picture- by his choice not mine- financially im worried sometimes but in over all of it just being me- i am pretty confidant that i will be just fine- i know what i missed out on as a kid and i know what happens when you try to cover the truth- sure there is a time and place and age for everything- but i want and will be honest with my son as tender as i can- and just give him the love and confidence that i will always be ther for him and he can always come to me with anything- i dont ever want him to fear me- thats not the way you get respect from people- i can t wait to finally meet my son and begin to show him the love that i already have for him- he has deffinately given me the confidence that things happen for a reason and there is a reason i was given the chance to have a child- and i will do everyting to take advantage of that fact-
in wrap all i have to say is Thank You- thank you to All the mothers ive come across in my life- in every different instance- inevery different situation being my own mother- friends who are mothers- my friends mothers- random un-known mothers- i take to heart everything that youve shown and given me- wheather you realized it or not- or intended to- youve taught me alot- so in my new journey to becoming a mother for the first time- i feel very well prepared and confident with the resources that i have <3
HAPPY MOTHERS DAY