Entry for "Tis but a Scratch Month" on ff.net
Disclaimer: Don't own 'em, don't make money off 'em.
Notes: Written for April's “'Tis but a Scratch” month. Okay, it's a bit of a crack!fic, but after some RL stuff that went on (and some of it STILL going on) I needed to write something silly, so don't flame me, okay? ;) Shameless “Monty Python” references abound and a blink and you miss it reference to a certain Bugs Bunny/Elmer Fudd cartoon.
Also, this is mostly dialogue, but can you can tell who's speaking? Another first contact goes awry.
Rating: T for language.
R&R. Thanks.
Raining Coconuts
Sound of running feet, then of shuttlepod door slamming shut---
“Everyone okay? Holy---? Where'd you get that cut on your arm, Malcolm? Did one of the bunnies bite you or somethin'?”
“I got it when we were running through that bloody shrubbery in that forest! I swear, those trees and bushes have a life of their own!”
“That looks pretty bad.”
“It's nothing, Commander. 'Tis but a scratch.”
“You mean, 'Tis but a flesh wound', don't you?”
“I am not quoting Monty Python, Commander. And I fail to see the humor in our situation. In any case, we should get out of here.”
“You're in no condition to pilot the shuttlepod, Lieutenant. I'm drivin', and you're gonna sit in that seat and get that flesh wound---”
“--- 'tis but a scratch---”
“---looked at by Phlox. No arguments.”
“Fine.”
“If you would roll up your sleeve, Lieutenant, I'll examine that scratch.”
Sound of large thumping on the roof of Shuttlepod One, a rhythmic, clunking, clop-clop noise.
“Gotta admit, that sounds a lot like---”
“ Don't say it, Commander!”
“---coconuts. Coconuts raining on the roof.”
---groan--- “And I suppose the friendly natives are vampiric rodents?”
“Well, those little furry things out there do have pointy teeth and sharp claws. Got any Holy Hand Grenades in that magic bag of yours?”
“No, Commander, but what I would give for some sonic gren---bloody hell, Doctor, that hurt!”
“Just a small sting, Lieutenant. The shuttle's first aid kit is limited in antibiotics, but I do carry some berolian aloe with me---”
---pause---“Isn't that supposed to be lethal to humans?”
“Keep your shirt on. You're not dead yet.”
---groan---
“Are you in any pain, Lieutenant?”
“So help me, Doctor, if he quotes that movie one more time---”
“Hey, looks like the Vampire Bunnies have decided to back off a bit. At least they aren't crawlin' all over the hatches, tryin' to get in here---”
“Hmmm...their long canine teeth do resemble the ones on my Pyrithian bat---”
Sound of engines taking off, and of highly irate, frustrated “Vampire Bunnies” chittering, and of coconut-sounding projectiles tapering off as our heroes make their daring escape.
“Thank God. Gotta admit, it could've been a lot worse.”
“And who was the one who insulted their leader...Commander?”
“They wanted me to marry the bunnified version of Brunhilde! And not only that, but wanted me to sing a song about it! And who was the hero who tried to swing into the room on a vine and rescue me?”
“Phlox should have given me more of a push---”
“Now, now Lieutenant, that Grand Room was quite...grand.”
“And then they wanted to interrogate me as a 'potential suitor'. First, it was my name. Then they wanted to know what our mission was...and then, they wanted to know what the frequencies of a multi-phasic, swallow-link generator were.”
“Pardon me? A---”
“It's a critical component of a power system.”
“Yes, I know what it is. The phase cannons have them.”
“So you also know there's more than one kind, Malcolm. So, anyway, I asked them, 'Vulcan or Tyrennian?'”
---pause--- “They did not know which kind of generator---?”
“ They're pretty prideful in their knowledge, Doctor, and the Commander just pointed out that there were things that they didn't know. Which caused them to lose respect in each other's eyes. Which caused them to chase us---”
“---through the shrubbery---”
“--- back to the shuttle.”
“Ah. And that's when one of them tried to bite you?”
“'Tis but a scratch, Doctor.”
“Flesh wound, Malcolm.”
-----long-suffering sigh---
“At least they didn't hop around trying to bite your ankles.”
“That is a disturbing thought, Commander. I'll probably have nightmares now, thank you.”
“No problem, Lancelot. That's what friends are for.”