24's on the wheels I say lost ya.
So It's been a month. As if anyone reads this anymore anyway. But anyways. Hm... Since the last time I updated lots has happened. Just 2 weeks ago Jason's mom stopped me on the side of the street telling me she would call the cops on me if she caught me around him. I was like... go away you terrify me. Gosh that lady has me so paranoid. I can't barely be with him with out being scared every car going by is his mom. Anyways. He went to his aunts then to Pinetop. During that time I didn't really get his attention that much... which made me sad but I can't get his full attention all the time. Anyways. The friday after he came back I called twice and he didn't answer. 5 minutes later he calls back. I can tell there's something wrong and by how he's talking it sounds like he's gonna break up with me. At this point my stomach is being held by threads. Then he comes out and says we need a break and the threads snap and I just start bawling. I felt so bad to have him hear me cry but you know, is their any better way to take that? I don't care who you are, if you were in my position you woulda probably cried harder. Then we got in a big arguement online, I was being so selfish... pushing him further away of course. And saturday, Yeah... really selfish then too. I had to go to work with my uncle that day. It was so hard. I had to hold in crying for 6 hours. I was so hot and miserable. Then I had to help put up insulation... the fiber glass got ALL OVER ME. And it was like stuck in my arms. Through all this time... Jason was being ignorant to my feelings and was being overly mean... like way uncalled for. Anyways. Sunday he went back home and I really didn't think i'd get to talk to him that much. Then Monday Chelsea came over. I was like hm. I went to go get her from the bus stop but she wasn't there so I was like fuck this and went back home. Then about half an hour later I was like maybe she's there now and went to check. She was crossing the street and I was gonna call after her but I was too lazy. Then we walked through my old neighborhood... saw my old house then went to my house. Chelsea of course, since I wouldn't let her go through my room, went through my house. I think she kinda regrets that. Anyways. Then Chelsea talked to Jasons mom. Bad idea and I DID tell her that he would get mad. Sure enough. He calls. Asking if Chelsea was online. I told him no. He asked if I was talking to her online and I said no. Then hung up with me and said he'd talk to me online. Then for some reason he's getting pissed with me because I didn't tell him Chelsea was at my house. He didn't ask so I didn't take the initiative to tell him. Anyways. He got mad at Chelsea like I knew he would and got mad at me for keeping stuff from him. All I was keeping was that Chelsea was at my house and that's cause she told me not to tell him. So we called him near 30 times. He got SO PISSED at us. I felt bad, I even told Chelsea to stop because he was gonna get even more mad at us. But persistant she was. He screamed and hung up on me many times that oh well. Then in his profile he put "shove your love up your ass", The second I saw that I just wanted to collapse and die. Die more then I ever had before. Then Chelsea asked him to sneak out and meet him somewhere. He told her he would if I was there because he wanted to see me kinda. So I bribed her dad into letting me stay. They were getting kicks outta driving me psycho. But that's okay. We got back to her house and he came down. He hugged me and gave me a kiss... which was odd because he told me to get over him, to get over the fact we're broken up and to shove my love up my ass. But yet the fact he still did it none the less made me happy. We talked about stuff for awhile, about how he was rude the whole weekend, making the break up even MORE difficult for me. He didn't remember anything he said so I showed him the logs. He felt bad I guess so beyond the fact he's a compulsive liar I believed he really did. Then we walked down to the retention basin to sit and talk. We talked about a bunch of stuff and just pretty much cuddled even though their was no relationship anymore. Then I told him it was hard to be without him but I could hold out. Then outta no where he asks me back out... I hesitated and asked if he was serious because it didn't seem too real. He was and I accepted. I WAS SO HAPPY THAT I WANTED TO KILL MYSELF. I don't deserve it at all. For some reason I can feel It's going to back fire though. But for now I'm just way too happy for the fact I got him back. I'm kinda glad that that knife was dull because if it wasn't my *** woulda been deeper and probably woulda really hurt myself. *sigh* Then I went back to Chelsea's and talked to him for a bit online. The next day I had him come over again. Chelsea was being rude to us for some reason. But anyways, then he was calling me names so I slapped him. I felt SO bad. I didn't mean to slap him, I meant to hit him in the side of the head. Then he wouldn't even forgive me. We went out front and talked, he finally forgave me. We sat around talking about stuff until he told me stuff about Lee and Mark. I was like... Um... that's not stuff you say to me at this moment in time. It really did hurt my feelings even though he was kidding. I really can't determine if he wants on either of them anymore. For some reason I feel he does. I dunno. But He's gotten taller, skinnier and cuter. He doesn't believe me, but it's true. His stomach is SOO cute. AH. He got better... it's great. Anyways, then we went down to this dirt field and layed on each other. We got all dirty but that's okay. We talked some more, we talk a lot, and then got up and went back to Chelseas so I could call my mom. Then went back down to the retention basin and sat. We layed on each other more and gave each other piggy back rides lol. Ha... that's funny. Anyways... then we sat some more and talked even more until the sprinklers came our way... he got hit and jumped up so fast... my hand in his pants mind you... I'm surprised he didn't rip it off on his way up. Gosh. Anyways. Then we went back to Chelseas and Jason left. So when I get in Chelsea has this big attitude. And she's all mad because me and Jason wanted to be alone. Um, we can't be all lovey dovey and talk about stuff in front of her... even though we did invite her to come. Anyways. Then I woke up too early. I talked to Jason a couple times online. He got cranky with me because I was being a smartass but I was just kidding. Then he wanted me to come meet him because he was walking his dog. He is so damn cute. He wouldn't hug me... even though today was our 2 months. We were being rude to each other the whole day. It really hurt my feelings because it was our 2 months and everything so I thought we shoulda at least been a little bit nicer to each other. Anyways. I tried to stall him as long as I could because I wouldn't get to see him again till I got back from Utah. Oh yeah. I'm going to Utah from the 12th - 19th. I don't think i'm gonna have too much fun because I'll be away from Jason too long. Hmm... Anyways... then he left and I was sad. Then me and Chelsea got in a fight. She thinks that this relationship is causing so many problems and it's not. Most of them have nothing to do with us even being together. I told her if she didn't like us together then she could fuck off. Not too much of a nice thing to say to your host but I was pissed. She goes and tells us everything the other says. And we both don't appreciate it. Anyways. Then Jason called to talk to her about it and I guess he got his point through cause she came in crying. I dunno. Then I talked to him and after a while the 2 of them like ganged up on me. I was like okay, I can fend for myself against my BOYFRIEND and supposedly BEST FRIEND. Gosh. I when I went out with him I didn't expect a big bully. Gosh. They told me how I was major white trash, how I smelled, how I was nasty for not showering in 2 days... but you know I don't have clothes so unless they're gonna get me some spares they need to shut up. After an hour of them both after me I was kinda not taking the joke anymore and taking it more seriously. It became unfunny to me. Then Chelsea called him and they started up again at me on the phone, I was like gosh fucking damn you guys, give me a fucking break. GOSH. Then I talked to him and he was being really rude. I mean, I know I'm extremely rude to him at minimal times but to keep it going for over an hour is making it even or fair and it's just gonna hurt my feelings even more. Then he tried telling me it wasn't 2 months and it didn't count. I mean... does he enjoy taking things in this relationship that are good to me... away right from underneath me? I mean gall. I still stand on the 2 months thing but I don't think he's budging. He just really upset me tonight and I don't think it's very nice at all that he could care less. Hm... I'll just talk to him tomorrow. Probably won't see him. But still I can talk to him. I really wish we can become nicer to each other because it really hurts to be so rude to each other and him not even phase it. Hm.. Just things to work on I guess. I can feel this gonna back fire on me, this getting him back, but all I can do is try to keep it from happening I guess. And I need to stop being so greedy and selfish within this relationship because I think it's making things a little worse. Hm... I really love him so much and to lose him again would probably kill me. But I'm gonna go to bed now because I've typed soo much and I'm tired somewhat. I'll type in you later lovely. Adios.