College
So I'd like to know where the hell the whole romanticised view of college came from, because from where I stand it pretty much sucks. I don't feel like I belong here, in my major, on this campus, but I don't know what the alternative is. I feel so lost and confused and overwhelmed. I don't enjoy it here, I don't like any of my classes and every day just seems worse than the day before. I swear the only thing keeping me sane any more is the thought that I get to go home over the weekend. I hate it here. I'm constantly depressed and confused and stressed. I hate feeling like I'm missing Stephen's senior year and all of his football games for the torture of this that I don't even enjoy. I don't know what I want to do, I don't particularly like my major but there's nothing that sounds even remotely interesting, I have no idea what to do afte college and I don't even know what I'd do if I wasn't in college. I was expecting something so much more. I thought this would be a chance to finally get out and experience life, but I feel even more sheltered and secluded now than ever before. I hate the feeling of being trapped on campus and that there isn't really anything to do. The things I want to do conflict with classes that I'd rather not be in in the first place. My spare time is spent working or studying or reading or sleeping since I don't seem to get enough of that anymore. I feel like half the time I'm here to please my parents, or make myself worthy of Stephen, or because this is where society thinks I should be. I'm tired of trying so hard to living up to everyone else's expectations and hating every minute of what I'm doing! I can't stand to not please my family, but I don't even know anymore the difference between what I want and what they want me to want. I don't feel like I belong here, or that I ever could. This doesn't feel like home, and I don't think it ever can. Ever day is so full of isolation and stress and and pain. I have a headache every single day from trying so hard to do the best I possibly can, and all that earns me is a C or a B. I'm so sick of stupid University of Florida's frickin standards and rules and regulations and expectations. The stupid gen ed classes that are completely pointless, but required. It's like they think we should be 100% devoted to school and only school and nothing else should matter. That our whole purpose in life is to take as many stupid pointless classes as possible that have absolutely nothing to do with what our major is or what we want to do, yet they don't have classes on something we might actually want to do. All the professors who are trying to make our lives a living hell, and do nothing to help us. I'm not used to getting failing grades, and yes a C is failing! I can't come to terms with my best being a B or a C, with studying 6 hours and paying ridiculously close attention that causes my head to spin and ache ever day during lecture, with taking notes and asking for help and still not understanding the material and failing the tests. I hate constantly feeling behind and lost. Not knowing what to expect or what I have to do to be ready for the next ridiculously high hurdle. I'm just so done. I'm done forcing myself to care about things I don't care about. When the hell am I going to need stupid chemistry, or need to know how to find the limit of an equation. Why should I care? I won't ever need it! It doesn't matter. I hate my classes, I hate not knowing why I'm here, or for what reason. Not knowing where I'm going to end up or why I'm forcing myself through this torture. I'm just so done with school. I hate feeling so incrediably alone and secluded. I just want to be done with it all.
Pretty much, life right now sucks.
Pretty much, life right now sucks.