"I closed my eyes and the home i knew before, suddenly was yours." -Twenty5soutH

[lucky_1]

I feel amazing and absolutely horrible at the same time. I had to leave cabaret tonight cause it started making me feel a little sick. I'm amazed that people can come in to your place, your sanctuary, the place you go to get away from people like them and be so rude to you. As if my life wasn't bad enough already, I let imaturity, a lack of experience, and petty fucking politics ruin my senior year. Of coarse i had a part in it, but it's not my fault, i got defensive just like anyone else would've. I just worry when i feel like this. Last time i did the same person (in this group of people) told me I might seek proffessional help, because it's obvious that depression isn't natural. That's fucked up, there's nothing wrong with me except for you jackass! While i'm extatic about graduating and seeing U2 in boston, i'm depressed as fuck because i feel like i'm missing something. I'm waiting in line and letting the world pass me by. Something should have to give, but nothing will. Tomorrow i'll give pins to some freshman and it'll be out with the old, in with the new. Like I haven't given anything to this department all the sudden it's 6000 dollars and everyone's happy. I'm not. I never was. I was lied to and jipped. I wanted to do battle for the breasts so bad to show that this department had a heart and some social awareness. Instead we showed that this department has some ass and so do a couple other ones. Don't get me wrong, the cast made this show and they deserve the fun they have for the work they put in. But i can easily say that single-handedly, cabaret ruined my senior year of high school. 10 days and then my memories are my own and no one elses. Just enough time to say goodbye to what i'll miss and nothing to what I won't. I just spoke with the choreographer of THE WIZ and he really wants me to audition. I'm not sure if i have the heart for it. In a way i wish i were in town for beauty and the beast at the end of the year but in another way i'm not sure I like musical theater anymore. It's what i started in and it's what gave me so much in my life, and it's incredible that one thing actually pushed me away from it enough to not really like it. I need to go see one in New York and forget about this. It's weighing too heavily on my decisions and its making me stupid. I love making music on stage and it's what i've chosen do to with my life. It's my dream, that's something she never believed in either. Me. as if i wasn't having a hard enough time believing in myself. I never give-up, but this show has put me pretty close a few times. and maybe what i will give up is caring. It's over tomorrow and so is the last show of my high school career, the last musical, the last set i'll ever build, the last time it'll ruin my life a little.

Suck it up Julian. Where's the willpower now? It went down with the ship.

-Julian