(no subject)
So i've been sitting here this weekend, thinking a lot about things and who I am. Over the last few years I've been many different "people" in a sense. And as Lauren is going through, each time you change, people dont seem to want to accept that change and treat u as they always have. I've been thru that before and its not right. But thats not what this post is about. At the start of summer here in Albany I decided that I was going to try to lead a more carefree and outgoing life.. just sort of roll with the punches and whatever happens, happens. No over analyzing things, no expectations, no broken hearts, no nothing but just pure fun. So after experiencing having people only contact me because they are drunk/they want to get drunk and just want someone free to make out with/whatever and not talk to me afterwards until the next time, I have now finally decided I'm done with that. While I can admit I was also in a sense "using" them as they were "using" me, I dont want to feel like that. I'm better than that.
Also, sometimes I feel like there is so much more to being 21 than going out and drinking urself into oblivian all the time. When I drink now, I usually do because I enjoy what I'm drinking and also when I'm at a party because I can relax a little more and actually feel more comfortable with myself and be more outgoing to talk to all kinds of people. But I'm sick of being alone. I am. I don't want to just makeout or whatever with random people when I'm drunk as I have done frequently in the past and even still now occasionally. I guess I have because I dont want to be alone. I don't know y i'm still single as everyone asks me. Perhaps I do need to stop being so picky. Perhaps I have found the right person, but nothing can come of us yet, but perhaps later in life it will happen for us. Who knows. I know I sure as hell don't. All I know is I need to start practicing a little more self control. While many people think that making out with people isn't a bad thing, and I know I used to say that all the time, I just don't want to be like that anymore. I am picky. I am not that easy. I don't want that for myself. I am better than that. I'm smarter than I look. I may say that I don't know what I want sometimes, but I do. I know exactly what I want and I wish sometimes people took me more seriously than what they do. I don't want to be around people that act like they are 3 all the time. I want to be able to have intellectual conversations about things that are important to me (or to them). I want to stand up for what I believe in and become someone who I am proud of. I'm sick of being quiet and shy and I just want to express myself. I am crazy and weird. I do love running because it makes me so free. It allows me to push me farther than I thought I ever could. I love challenging myself. I love working all the time. I am self conscious and when people tell me that I'm beautiful I don't believe them. I often worry about what I eat and how much I weigh. I had a period of time last year where I know I didn't eat even close as much as I know I should have but I'm better now. This is who I am and I want people to love me and accept me for who I am.. be willing to let me change and accept whoever I decide I want to be. I love my friends and I couldn't survive w/o them.
This is me.. this is what I think about.
Here I am
Perfect as I'm ever going to be
You'll see
Love me for me -Ashlee Simpson
Also, sometimes I feel like there is so much more to being 21 than going out and drinking urself into oblivian all the time. When I drink now, I usually do because I enjoy what I'm drinking and also when I'm at a party because I can relax a little more and actually feel more comfortable with myself and be more outgoing to talk to all kinds of people. But I'm sick of being alone. I am. I don't want to just makeout or whatever with random people when I'm drunk as I have done frequently in the past and even still now occasionally. I guess I have because I dont want to be alone. I don't know y i'm still single as everyone asks me. Perhaps I do need to stop being so picky. Perhaps I have found the right person, but nothing can come of us yet, but perhaps later in life it will happen for us. Who knows. I know I sure as hell don't. All I know is I need to start practicing a little more self control. While many people think that making out with people isn't a bad thing, and I know I used to say that all the time, I just don't want to be like that anymore. I am picky. I am not that easy. I don't want that for myself. I am better than that. I'm smarter than I look. I may say that I don't know what I want sometimes, but I do. I know exactly what I want and I wish sometimes people took me more seriously than what they do. I don't want to be around people that act like they are 3 all the time. I want to be able to have intellectual conversations about things that are important to me (or to them). I want to stand up for what I believe in and become someone who I am proud of. I'm sick of being quiet and shy and I just want to express myself. I am crazy and weird. I do love running because it makes me so free. It allows me to push me farther than I thought I ever could. I love challenging myself. I love working all the time. I am self conscious and when people tell me that I'm beautiful I don't believe them. I often worry about what I eat and how much I weigh. I had a period of time last year where I know I didn't eat even close as much as I know I should have but I'm better now. This is who I am and I want people to love me and accept me for who I am.. be willing to let me change and accept whoever I decide I want to be. I love my friends and I couldn't survive w/o them.
This is me.. this is what I think about.
Here I am
Perfect as I'm ever going to be
You'll see
Love me for me -Ashlee Simpson