i dont know....
clearly i havent updated in a long long time and i got to wondering why that was. it wasnt for lack of things to discuss. i had so much going on i could barely keep my head straight. as koinonia approached i began to become aware of the fact that something in me had cahnged. i thought nothing of it and kept on.
koinonia was honestly the best experiance of my life. i know it said it last year, but this beats it. going back as a leader, watching my reflections change people, seeing how incredibly tight knit my group became, and having people treat me like a mini celebrity for a whole weekend was beyond amazing. i didnt think it was possible seeing as i knew every tiny detail of what was going to happen but to watch the retreatants faces, that's just a mind blowing experiance. and i began to think, a lot. think about the way i impact other people. think about how my actions and decisions honestly do effect others. while i was in plano it seemed like i could do no wrong and i was just on top of the world.
when i got back things changed. i took an honest evaluation of the way i treat everyone i know and i was pretty satisfied for the most part. except for with one person, derek. and it bothered me that i wasn't happy with the way i treated him. i began to question why it was that i didn't treat him the way he deserved. why did i give him one word answers? why was i less then thrilled to discuss some matters at length? why couldn't i just continue to behave the way i use to? but i didnt find answers. as time went on i realized i wasnt making things better between me and him, i was making them worse. and what was worse was that i was aware of it but i wasn't trying to fix it. i wasn't happy with myself.
and so about a week ago i came to the decision it was time for me to end things. its hard for me to articulate why it is that i made that decision. mostly it was a gut feeling. i know that i want to be able to build a life of my own independant of him at college and that's hard for me to do if i am with him as he does not care for me going out to do things with other people very often. i know that i need time to think. to sort out things in my head. i know i have a deep desire to be alone at this time of year, i always have. and i know that i am doing the right thing. whether i can explain it or not i have the utmost confidence i am doing the right thing. because its unfair for me to drag our relationship along KNOWING im hurting him more by being in a relationship where i dont feel what i use to.
i didnt expect him to take it well and it didnt go the way i would have liked it to, but it happened and nothing can change that. we've talked a couple times about it since. he thought it was because of steve, i expected that. it's probably the farthest thing from the truth but i knew he'd think it. i know its hard on him because i cant explain myself very well. and i know some of the things he's said are because he's angry and because he wants me to hurt too. but i dont think he realizes how much those things honestly hurt me, because breaking up hurt me a lot too. i care very deeply for him but i need a friend now, not a boyfriend. it hurt me an incredible amount to put him through this pain and if i didn't think it was better in the end, if i wasn't a thousand percent sure, i wouldn't do it. because the pain i bear is more then he'll ever understand and more then i'm willing to let on. that's the curse of being stubborn, when you're sure you're right, nothing can make you change your mind and you get defensive instead of emotional. and so i'll continue to cry at night and i'll continue to be stoic during the day. because it's what i know how to do and because i firmly believe i'm doing the right thing. i hope he sees that in the end.
koinonia was honestly the best experiance of my life. i know it said it last year, but this beats it. going back as a leader, watching my reflections change people, seeing how incredibly tight knit my group became, and having people treat me like a mini celebrity for a whole weekend was beyond amazing. i didnt think it was possible seeing as i knew every tiny detail of what was going to happen but to watch the retreatants faces, that's just a mind blowing experiance. and i began to think, a lot. think about the way i impact other people. think about how my actions and decisions honestly do effect others. while i was in plano it seemed like i could do no wrong and i was just on top of the world.
when i got back things changed. i took an honest evaluation of the way i treat everyone i know and i was pretty satisfied for the most part. except for with one person, derek. and it bothered me that i wasn't happy with the way i treated him. i began to question why it was that i didn't treat him the way he deserved. why did i give him one word answers? why was i less then thrilled to discuss some matters at length? why couldn't i just continue to behave the way i use to? but i didnt find answers. as time went on i realized i wasnt making things better between me and him, i was making them worse. and what was worse was that i was aware of it but i wasn't trying to fix it. i wasn't happy with myself.
and so about a week ago i came to the decision it was time for me to end things. its hard for me to articulate why it is that i made that decision. mostly it was a gut feeling. i know that i want to be able to build a life of my own independant of him at college and that's hard for me to do if i am with him as he does not care for me going out to do things with other people very often. i know that i need time to think. to sort out things in my head. i know i have a deep desire to be alone at this time of year, i always have. and i know that i am doing the right thing. whether i can explain it or not i have the utmost confidence i am doing the right thing. because its unfair for me to drag our relationship along KNOWING im hurting him more by being in a relationship where i dont feel what i use to.
i didnt expect him to take it well and it didnt go the way i would have liked it to, but it happened and nothing can change that. we've talked a couple times about it since. he thought it was because of steve, i expected that. it's probably the farthest thing from the truth but i knew he'd think it. i know its hard on him because i cant explain myself very well. and i know some of the things he's said are because he's angry and because he wants me to hurt too. but i dont think he realizes how much those things honestly hurt me, because breaking up hurt me a lot too. i care very deeply for him but i need a friend now, not a boyfriend. it hurt me an incredible amount to put him through this pain and if i didn't think it was better in the end, if i wasn't a thousand percent sure, i wouldn't do it. because the pain i bear is more then he'll ever understand and more then i'm willing to let on. that's the curse of being stubborn, when you're sure you're right, nothing can make you change your mind and you get defensive instead of emotional. and so i'll continue to cry at night and i'll continue to be stoic during the day. because it's what i know how to do and because i firmly believe i'm doing the right thing. i hope he sees that in the end.