(no subject)
so, september 27, about 4 days ago, was exactly 6 years since my dad died. i realized tonight how much i really miss him. its such a... i guess habit... to understand that hes gone and im never gonna see him again. i started crying in the car tonight with christina on the way to the strip club because we were talking about rhondas wedding. we started talking about her dance with her dad, and i realized that im never gonna have that. i really miss him. i wish he was here. i dont care about the money i get every month in death benefits to 'pay for' what happened. i just really want him back. i really miss him. i dont have a dad to give me away at my wedding. i dont have dad to dance with at my wedding. i miss his advice so much. sometimes i wonder how i get by day to day without him. and then i started thinking. what am i gonna do when i lose my mom. i dont ever want that to happen. she is my best friend. i would miss her so much. i told christina that i hope i die before she does because i dont think i could deal with losing her. shes all i have. tonight has been a really emotional night. i went and got another tattoo. went to a strip club, and then to 2 parties and saw a particular someone cuddling with some other girl. i should be really drunk right now. that would be nice. but im not. i know that every day that goes by is just another day gone. it seems like life is one big countdown to the end. this is probably the most negative journal entry ive ever written, but i dont care. i really needed to get my feelings out somehow. it doesnt really feel that much better though. it actually hurts a lot worse. some really bad things have been going through my head lately. things that i just dont like thinking about. things that make me sad, and make me wanna cry. i dont cry very often, but this has been really hard for me. all i have is the ring. i dont think anyone will understand that, but if you do then thats cool. bye
brianna
brianna