:(
I'm sad. And the sad thing is I'm even sadder that someone else is sad. What is up with all this sadness lately? Why can't I just be happy? Why can't my friends be happy? I've never really been happy so I guess this must be what life has granted me...a never ending supply of heartache, depression and irritability that I can't find anything different. People always say things get better. Maybe one day things will change. Happiness will find me and I'll be skipping around excitedly for months, and next time maybe, just maybe the feeling won't end. The poems written about me late at night by the boy I like won't just be words, but rather feelings that are real. I fear I'll be alone forever. The sad thing is I find myself in situations that I know will only make me feel better for a short time and after they are over I just feel even worse about myself. Is the feeling of being loved (even if it's just pretend)for a few hours justified? I really don't know what I'm doing anymore. I find myself looking at him today just wanting so bad to be his friend. I can't even have that. Instead I am left with a feeling of awkwardness and my heart works so hard just to avoid eye contact. I feel it break, over and over and really all I want is friendship. He can't even give that. Everyone is is deserving of it but me. What makes me so different? Why can't I be the one he wants to hang out with? Why can't I be the one ANYONE wants to hang out with? I sit at home alone all day long, my only companionship being that of my dragons.
I know there are things in life I should be happy about. My baby, my 5 year old, my animals, my job, my family. Shit, I should be happy just to be alive! I miss someone. No, not him. HIM. It's ridiculous. I miss my friends in California. I miss my friends in Portland. I miss going out and drinking. I miss everything right now. I feel like I've been put in a cast and I can't move. I'm just waiting for the right person to come break me out.
In other not so pathetic news, my baby shower was yesterday. The cake was yummy and I got to show off my belly to a bunch of people I didn't know. Can you sense my sarcasm? I did have fun though. My crib is almost done being put together. I washed all my baby clothes today and heck, I even cleaned the damn toilet! GO ME! :)
Now, do I really have to ask again? Someone come rub my feet. Pretty pretty please. Peas. Peas and carrots.
I miss my donkey laugh.
I know there are things in life I should be happy about. My baby, my 5 year old, my animals, my job, my family. Shit, I should be happy just to be alive! I miss someone. No, not him. HIM. It's ridiculous. I miss my friends in California. I miss my friends in Portland. I miss going out and drinking. I miss everything right now. I feel like I've been put in a cast and I can't move. I'm just waiting for the right person to come break me out.
In other not so pathetic news, my baby shower was yesterday. The cake was yummy and I got to show off my belly to a bunch of people I didn't know. Can you sense my sarcasm? I did have fun though. My crib is almost done being put together. I washed all my baby clothes today and heck, I even cleaned the damn toilet! GO ME! :)
Now, do I really have to ask again? Someone come rub my feet. Pretty pretty please. Peas. Peas and carrots.
I miss my donkey laugh.