and so it is....

May 01, 2008 00:25

I guess when you fall in love its more of falling in two ways. I mean theres a positive and negative side to everything, right? Well ill be really honest. Wow. I am a nineteen year old hopeless romantic with nothing to give but love. But up until now...Ive never had it. And now that I do it's the most amazing feeling in the entire world. BUT..i did mention a bad side didnt i? Two letters. E-X.

Yup. The shortest, but most dreadful word there is out there to relationships other than cheating or lies. And you wonder why they call it FALLING really? When you think of falling, what do you really picture? I picture spinning in circles, getting extremely dizzy and delusional, and then all of sudden your on your ass. Well...I guess thats kind of what love is like. You get an extremely, confusing and sensationally perfect feeling at the moment until all of a sudden something happens that brings you back to where you started. I'm not saying this is my situation persay...I'm just trying to state the facts that,well, all of my friends are right.

No relationship is perfect. Just because you are on the outside looking in at a 6 month, one year, 3 years, 10 year relationship that seems "Notebook" worthy does not mean it is. And ive also learned you cant judge another person's relationship when you ARENT in it. The only two people who can do this are you and your significant other. Wow. I'm such a genius. I dont know exactly why I'm writing in this while I sit with the the boy I have "fallen" for. All I know is I have to get rid of this case of the ex fast or it's going to consume me and actually make me fall through the bunny hole of this whole wonderfully stupifying feeling.

A four year relationship. Then two months later there's....you. Do you feel threatened? Welcome to my life. Ive been that girl. The girl that everyone stares at and says "there, there lauren you'll get your time". The girl that tried to force guys who didnt have a loving bone in their body to somehow have an epiphany and changeee them. Be THE ONE. What is the one really anyway? Is there ONE person you can be with forever and ALWAYS feel the same way about? I really cant answer this. After all, what do I now? All I have is four years of quasi relationship style hurt and getting screwed by best friends and multiple boys i thought were "the ones". How do you really tell anyway? Four years. Four. Not one, not two. Four.

I guess what I'm trying to say is I'm actually threatened. I'm threatened to a point of exhaustion, of everyday stomach cramps that make me want to vomit, of just waiting for that one moment when I may lose the only person I've ever loved. When they say its better to have had and to lost than to not have had at all...I think they are severely mistaken. I have dreams about losing l-o-v-e and it makes my whole day go to shit. Call me crazy, but isnt that what love is anyway? A whole bunch of craziness wrapped into two people that somehow and for some reason cant get enough of each other. But I crave it. I need it. That is the one thing that is like air to me. To be blunt, its what people say about sex. Like a guy friend once told me years ago, "Once you have sex you're never gonna wanna stop." Well I compare this to love. Because..well its true. And being threatened of having this extremely addictive cigarette alcoholic craving taken away from you is exhausting. Four years.

Then there's you. Who are you to four years? Do you know how much people go through in one month? Cause I do. Ive fallen for a boy in two months. Yes. Two months. But four years? That seems like a whole lifetime of experience and knowing someone that I will NEVER catch up to. I'm living in the shadow of a horrible thing..the ex.

Its not like shes leaving him alone. Its constant. An everyday haunting that I have to deal with even in my dreams. So karma does exist. I got my wonderful prince charming I've been waiting for. But I guess its not always fair. I get horrible dreams, nausea, and sound like a psycho everyday because im so god damn worried about it all. It started with a text at 330 in the morning. The next time it was a message involving my name and some hate words towards me strewn in at the end. Then at 6 in the morning an im..along with phone calls I NEVER knew about until yesterday. Why not make it 9 in the morning now? Im guessing that will be the next one. I guess she goes by three hour intervals. Its like a fucking movie. The curse of the evil ex strikes again! Girls hide your boyfriends...three hours after the past strike she'll strike again! Like...are you kidding me? THIS is what I have to deal with. CONSTANT.FOUR YEARS.

His life was her. I dont even understand it. They were more like friends, but its almost like he became permeated and severed into her like a sponge seeping up toxic chemicals and germs. Every story shes left out of..i find out later she was there. Everything he did before me...she was there.Everywhere we have gone or EVER will go..she has been there with him. Will I ever be original? Its like Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind...its like Im stealing her memories and making them mine. How do I live up to a LEGACY ..even a bad one.. of four motherfucking years?! She hasnt given up. What makes him want to? Im not saying I dont trust him. I do with all of me...but its her I dont trust. Its always the other people you have to watch out for who may try to sabotage something just cause they are infected with jealousy. Its completely unfair. But like everyone says life isnt fair. God I mean its even becoming a routine with his family. His old friend came over after he introduced me as his girlfriend and started talking about her. I hate her. Ive never hated someone so much in my life.

But I guess hate leads to obsession. A sick obsession that takes you in and under like a rip tide. This sounds cheesy...but have you ever seen Mean Girls? The main character (Linsay Lohan) decides that she will spy on "the plastics" so that her friend can ruin their lives. Well as the movie goes on you start to see that what she was hating and trying to sabotage she actually becomes. For a teen movie it sure does tell some truth about people in general that no one seems to see. Hate is as strong as love. When you hate someone it eats away you as much as love does. I have both feelings. Im not biased in saying this at all. I know what its like to have pure love and pure hate. And...theyre both similar feelings in ways. Its OBSESSION. All i do is dream of losing him to her, her coming and taking him away from me. Its every night. Four years. And everyday when she somehow gets brought up I get the nausea..the intense hateful nausea. But I dont understand it. As much as I hate her I feel entirely consumed by her. I looked at her Myspace once. Why? No one knows. How stupid are you lauren..you just want to be upset. Thats what all my friends think.

But they dont know. They dont know what it feels like to have a huge overloaded bag of shit following your new and fresh relationship around. The obsession, the memories that you cant seem to get rid of. Am I compared to in everything I do with him to her? What makes me separate from a four year commitment..whether it ended badly or not? What makes me....worthy? This goes back to my wondering of "the one"..and of just in general LOVE. The thing that people so obsess about for their whole lives and are on a continuous search for. How can you say I love you to multiple people? Love is about the ONE true thing. There are no multiple loves..there are no multiple people that bring the same feeling to you as love should. At least this is what Ive always believed..that shitty Notebook crap that will never come to fruition. Youve said I love you before. Why am i your next..your second love? Shouldnt that be an oxymoron? A second LOVE OF YOUR LIFE THE ONE OHH MY GODD. No. It doesnt exist. There is one love. And Ive found it. But have you...have you really? Or is this just a SECOND chance to feel ecstasy? I guess Ill never know.

Pretty soon there wont be anymore of me to secondly love. Obsession, whether love, lust, fear, or hate, consumes everyone...and it will consume me in time.

and so it is...goodnight.
Lauren Salm.
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