I'm sorry I've disappeared....
I'm losing my mind. I thought things would make sense again but i was wrong. I'm always wrong. I feel like scum. Scum at the bottom of a lake. I don't think it's normal for a person to feel like this, but then again, who's normal? I was told it wasn't a good thing. I was told that normal is boring, so why do I crave it so much? I guess I don't know what I want. I know what I don't want. I don't want to feel like this. I don't want to feel like the world isn't worth living in anymore. Waking up to that feeling is one of the worst things ever. It's like you can't get a hold of your life but yet, you have to continue to live the one that you hate. I'm watching it slip away, and no one's helping bring it back. Not because they won't, but because I won't let them. I'm pushing them away and I'm scared that I won't have anything left to come back to. This feeling is affecting how I live my life. I know I'm not making the right decisions. I know they're not healthy and I know they're not smart. I've said it before but I know that my mom is looking down on me and thinking, what the fuck did I raise. That's not my daughter. It hurts. It hurts to think this but it is the only thought running through my mind. Every thought of this just sets me further and futher into depression where I actually can't handle it.
I've been told I was strong. People tell me this everyday. I believe it. Who else would be able to live through half of the shit that I've been through. I've finally opened up my mind to see this, as cocky as it may sound. However, strong does not mean that I will be perfectly fine every single day. Strong does not mean that I'm going to wake up and actually want to live my life again. Strong does not mean that I don't cry myself to sleep every night. And strong definatly doesn't mean that I'm ok. I guess everyone knows that.
I'M NOT OK!
I want people to know that. I want people to know that, but I don't want the pity. I hate pity. I hate the sad faces and the "It's going to be okay." Haven't you learned by now that it just makes you cry more? Well it does for me. And that's a hard thing to live by. It's what I do when I can tell that my friends are upset. So I guess I'm a hyprocrite. I can admit it. I always wonder if they secretly hate it as much as I do, but were humans. It's what we were taught to do. It's what we were brought up to do. It's some kind of a lesson that our families implanted into our brains while we were growing up.
Wow, I miss that feeling. I miss having a family. I have nothing anymore. Or atleast it feels that way. I'm not talking about my friends being my family. But an actual family. Sure, my dad is alive and kickin, and I'm pretty sure I'd completely lose it if he died, but I don't trust him. I like spending time with him and I love him, but at the same time, it's like a fake relationship. He's a fake person when my step mom is around and for that, I hate him. I hate him for abandoning me for 7 years of my life. I hate him for giving up so easily then just thinking that he can pop back into my life like everything is okay, even though now, I'd be lost without him. But what is the relationship when you don't trust someone? Especially your own father. Therefore, I still have the feeling of nothing. I have no parents. I'm free to do as I please. I've always wanted that growing up. I wanted the freedom to do whatever I wanted. Let me tell you something, once you have it, you won't want it. That's a fact.
And as for the rest of them, they're almost as bad. Never once did they try so hard to get me to come to family gatherings. Never once did they call me or email me trying to get me to come home and spend time with them. Never once did they volunteer to talk to me or spend their own free time with me or tell me that they were going to come up to my school to take me out to dinner. It's the pity thing again. I hate it. They never wanted me around before, or if they did, they didn't try very hard. Now they won't leave me the fuck alone. Just because my mom died and my grandma died, it doesn't mean that I'm their property now. It doesn't mean that I'm immediately going to transfer over to that side of the family and have a jolly ol fuckin time with them. I'm going to continue to be what I was to them for 7 years. Nothing.
I miss them both so much.
It's been the worst 2 years of my life.
I don't feel complete without them.
I don't even know what I'm trying to say anymore. I guess I just I want everyone to know that I use to care. I use to think that my life had a meaning. Now, I'm not sure.
I use to be happy.
I use to smile.
I use to have fun.
Now....
All of these smiles you see....
Are fake.
And for that, I'm sorry.
I've been told I was strong. People tell me this everyday. I believe it. Who else would be able to live through half of the shit that I've been through. I've finally opened up my mind to see this, as cocky as it may sound. However, strong does not mean that I will be perfectly fine every single day. Strong does not mean that I'm going to wake up and actually want to live my life again. Strong does not mean that I don't cry myself to sleep every night. And strong definatly doesn't mean that I'm ok. I guess everyone knows that.
I'M NOT OK!
I want people to know that. I want people to know that, but I don't want the pity. I hate pity. I hate the sad faces and the "It's going to be okay." Haven't you learned by now that it just makes you cry more? Well it does for me. And that's a hard thing to live by. It's what I do when I can tell that my friends are upset. So I guess I'm a hyprocrite. I can admit it. I always wonder if they secretly hate it as much as I do, but were humans. It's what we were taught to do. It's what we were brought up to do. It's some kind of a lesson that our families implanted into our brains while we were growing up.
Wow, I miss that feeling. I miss having a family. I have nothing anymore. Or atleast it feels that way. I'm not talking about my friends being my family. But an actual family. Sure, my dad is alive and kickin, and I'm pretty sure I'd completely lose it if he died, but I don't trust him. I like spending time with him and I love him, but at the same time, it's like a fake relationship. He's a fake person when my step mom is around and for that, I hate him. I hate him for abandoning me for 7 years of my life. I hate him for giving up so easily then just thinking that he can pop back into my life like everything is okay, even though now, I'd be lost without him. But what is the relationship when you don't trust someone? Especially your own father. Therefore, I still have the feeling of nothing. I have no parents. I'm free to do as I please. I've always wanted that growing up. I wanted the freedom to do whatever I wanted. Let me tell you something, once you have it, you won't want it. That's a fact.
And as for the rest of them, they're almost as bad. Never once did they try so hard to get me to come to family gatherings. Never once did they call me or email me trying to get me to come home and spend time with them. Never once did they volunteer to talk to me or spend their own free time with me or tell me that they were going to come up to my school to take me out to dinner. It's the pity thing again. I hate it. They never wanted me around before, or if they did, they didn't try very hard. Now they won't leave me the fuck alone. Just because my mom died and my grandma died, it doesn't mean that I'm their property now. It doesn't mean that I'm immediately going to transfer over to that side of the family and have a jolly ol fuckin time with them. I'm going to continue to be what I was to them for 7 years. Nothing.
I miss them both so much.
It's been the worst 2 years of my life.
I don't feel complete without them.
I don't even know what I'm trying to say anymore. I guess I just I want everyone to know that I use to care. I use to think that my life had a meaning. Now, I'm not sure.
I use to be happy.
I use to smile.
I use to have fun.
Now....
All of these smiles you see....
Are fake.
And for that, I'm sorry.