This is gonna be one long ass entry....
So, im kind of at a loss for words. Im afraid to write down whats on my mind anymore because im afraid it will depress me and make me so upset that i wont be able 2 function again. But after talking to Sara, maybe it will help. so here it goes.....
I hate it up here. I hate the fact that im at school so miserable. Sure, i love my friends and i love hanging out and trying 2 get my mind off of things but everyttime i end up coming back to the same spot that i was in before. My heart just hurts and i cant get it 2 stop. and i know its supposed to and that it will take time for it 2 get better. but ive never been a patient person. ive never been the one to cry about everything and never have the tears stop. its all something new for me and frankly, i really dont like it.
so what do i do?
this year, i worked on something that Dave and i talked a lot about this summer. We talked about how i need to get out and do things for myself, by myself. This made complete senese 2 me cuz i realized that it was true. how often do i do things for myself. how often do i get up on my own and do things that i want to do. Answer: not too often. im always around people that i know. im always so secure around everyone that i know that i dont branch out to meet new people, which isnt good for me right now. I need new surroundings, i need new friends (while keeping my old ones of course) and i need new experiences.
so what did i do this year??
well..first off, i joined swing dancing and the swing dance team. originally, i was gonna do this with a bunch of my friends (yes i know, i was going back on everything that i tried to do for myself) however, none of my friends ended up coming. so it was just me. me and a bunch of peole that i didnt know, dancing a dance that id idnt knwo how 2 do. and let me tell you, it was amazing. i had so much fun even though i was scared shitless to do it. but once you get past that scared factor, it does get easier. so the next week i went, it was easier than the first and the next was even easier. so as scared as i was, it was something that i dont regret doing at all.
next...
i decided to go greek. yes folks. Meghan Luallen decided to branch out and join a sorority. except this time, i was gonna do this right. i went on my own, with hardly any of my friends knowing what i was doing. again, scared shitless but it was something that i knew i had to and wanted to do. so i brought some friends 2 meet the greeks w/me and i went through recruitment all by myself. i met some great girls and had the 2 greatest gamma chis ever. i did meet some good people through this experience. however, every up in my life must have a down just cuz thats how my life works. i went through the whole recruitment and ended up with nothing. everyone cut me except for one sorority and as nice as everyone was in that, espically this one girl i met, Lisa, i could tell it just wastn for me. i wasnt comfortable around all the other girls and everyone always keept sayin that if you cant picture yourself being around these girls all the time, and being comfortable around them, then dont commit yourself to them. because once you commit yoruself, you die with them. i wasnt ready for that kind of commitment when i only got to know one girl. i was really disapointed that i only got called back to one. more disapointed than i thogutht that i would be. i took so much time out of my life to do something that i wanted to do, only to get nowhere. but remember, thats how my life works. as soon as i think something good is happening, things like 2 get fucked up. im beginning to think that i have a cloud following me. how else would i have this much bad luck in such a short amount of time.
however, now that this is over, im back to where i always have been. i cry every nite w/o anyone knowing and i wake up and put a smile on my face. i act like nothings wrong, thinking that im fooling the world. i think that no one can see through me and that my life is coming to an end. but what i didnt know was how much people can see that im still hurting inside so much. i havent decided if that was a good thing or not yet.
which is worse?
*puttin on an act for everyone
*having peole really knwo that your dying inside
most people dont knwo this but i went 2 a psychatrist...i cant spell... this summer. i just couldnt deal with this. my mom, my grandma, my family...pretty much my life. i coudlnt let my friends in as much as i wanted to and the only one that i could let in 100% is gone and part of me feels like our friendship is slowly drowning and all that i can do is watch. i can only ohpe that isnt happening. anywho, i went to this lady and she put me on anti depressants. i stil lhate the idea of taking them. and i didnt want to to begin with but her, being the stupid fuckin bitch that she is, somehow talked me into taking them. so i spent half of my summer making all of these stupid appts. w/some stupid people that i didnt wanan spend any of my time around. pretty much the diagnosed that i was depressed and suicidal. everyone suggested that i stareted taking medication right away. so i took the medicine. i took it...but i didnt take it if that makes any sense. theyre still sitting in my car because im stubbron and selfish and deep down, i still think i can do this on my own. its a hopeless thought cuz i knwo i cant, its just a reason not 2 take them.
i had a long talk w/Andy about this before. he suggested that i take them and gave me a bunch of reason why i should. they all made sense in my head and i wanted to try so hard. mainly for the fact that i know he was concerned and that everyone else was too. so i tried, but i got now where. therye still sittin there, every single pill. and im still sitting here a wreck. everyday i sit here and think how much better would it be if i were dead? ok, maybe not better, but the thought seems easier in my mind. no more pain, no more stupid step mom 2 deal with, no more bills. no more anything. its so easy. just a slit of the wrist and everything would be all over.
but i cant do that. and i wont do that. sure its an easy solution but i WILL NOT put anyone through the pain that im going through right now. i know my friends love me and care about me and hate to see me go through something like this so for me 2 turn the tables and put everyones through this? its somethin i wont do. i believe im selfsih for the situation that im in, but not that selfish. not selfish enough to end my life when i know it would kill others inside. but the thought stays in my mind, each and every day. its constantly there and im constantly thinking about it. i guess the good thing is that even though i think about it everyday, i know i will never act upon it.
so whle reading that last paragraph, you would think that i need serious help right? atleast someone 2 talk to. a therapist maybe? NO! i dont want anyone to talk to. i dotn want anyone to tell me what im thinking. ive been through the therapist thing once before and i wont do it again. e spically with my experience. so i swear, if anyone acts on this and tries 2 get me to talk 2 someone, we will no longer be friends. and i can promise you that right now.
i realized that i need to keep myself busy. if im not busy, i have time to think. and if thers time to think, theres time 2 cry. and if theres time to cry, theres more thoughts of me and my suicide ordeal. this is another reason why i was so into the sorority thing. why not meet new people, stay busy and have fun all at the same time right?? meet some new guys? it seemed perfect. i guess thats also another reason why i was so upset about not gettin in one.
im kidna skipping around my life. shit this is long entry. to much stuff on my mind.
and then theres the Dave situation. yes...everyone knows about him. we are pretty much on the friends thing which im half comfortable with and half not comfortable with. its just something that i hafta accept. its either, run around campus here, feeling sorry for myself that were not together and that he doesnt like me anymore, or get out, meet new pepole and deal with it. i choose #2. we still talk occasionally but i guess im just tryin 2 do my own thing. i miss talking to him and having the converstaions that we use to have. he really is a good friend. i do still like him, nto gonna lie. i guess its just one of those things thats unexplaniable...
ive cut alcohol out of my system for a little while. i dont want it to be something i run to whenever im upset and thats what was happening for a little while. so i drink on my good days, which isnt very often. instead, im the good DD and i shoffer everyone else around. try 2 have some fun while im at it....i guess....
i also got a letter 2 day from my moms old friends. we ended up meeting up w/them again recently. the only thing is that theyre so into the whole God thing, and right now in my life, i dont believe anymore. they keep asking me if im angry with God, and honestly its something that id ont feel like getting into. after everything thats been going on, i have no reason to believe. its all make believe...all made up. however, they sent me 2 day the gospel of John and underlined certain passages in it. also sent me a letter about why i should believe in God and how God loves me and cares about everyone and everythng. i dont hafta believe in anything that i dont want to anymore. im grown up. im an adult. i dont need people telling me fairy tales anymore.....
today has been exactly 3 months. 3 months....why isnt it getting easier yet???
I hate it up here. I hate the fact that im at school so miserable. Sure, i love my friends and i love hanging out and trying 2 get my mind off of things but everyttime i end up coming back to the same spot that i was in before. My heart just hurts and i cant get it 2 stop. and i know its supposed to and that it will take time for it 2 get better. but ive never been a patient person. ive never been the one to cry about everything and never have the tears stop. its all something new for me and frankly, i really dont like it.
so what do i do?
this year, i worked on something that Dave and i talked a lot about this summer. We talked about how i need to get out and do things for myself, by myself. This made complete senese 2 me cuz i realized that it was true. how often do i do things for myself. how often do i get up on my own and do things that i want to do. Answer: not too often. im always around people that i know. im always so secure around everyone that i know that i dont branch out to meet new people, which isnt good for me right now. I need new surroundings, i need new friends (while keeping my old ones of course) and i need new experiences.
so what did i do this year??
well..first off, i joined swing dancing and the swing dance team. originally, i was gonna do this with a bunch of my friends (yes i know, i was going back on everything that i tried to do for myself) however, none of my friends ended up coming. so it was just me. me and a bunch of peole that i didnt know, dancing a dance that id idnt knwo how 2 do. and let me tell you, it was amazing. i had so much fun even though i was scared shitless to do it. but once you get past that scared factor, it does get easier. so the next week i went, it was easier than the first and the next was even easier. so as scared as i was, it was something that i dont regret doing at all.
next...
i decided to go greek. yes folks. Meghan Luallen decided to branch out and join a sorority. except this time, i was gonna do this right. i went on my own, with hardly any of my friends knowing what i was doing. again, scared shitless but it was something that i knew i had to and wanted to do. so i brought some friends 2 meet the greeks w/me and i went through recruitment all by myself. i met some great girls and had the 2 greatest gamma chis ever. i did meet some good people through this experience. however, every up in my life must have a down just cuz thats how my life works. i went through the whole recruitment and ended up with nothing. everyone cut me except for one sorority and as nice as everyone was in that, espically this one girl i met, Lisa, i could tell it just wastn for me. i wasnt comfortable around all the other girls and everyone always keept sayin that if you cant picture yourself being around these girls all the time, and being comfortable around them, then dont commit yourself to them. because once you commit yoruself, you die with them. i wasnt ready for that kind of commitment when i only got to know one girl. i was really disapointed that i only got called back to one. more disapointed than i thogutht that i would be. i took so much time out of my life to do something that i wanted to do, only to get nowhere. but remember, thats how my life works. as soon as i think something good is happening, things like 2 get fucked up. im beginning to think that i have a cloud following me. how else would i have this much bad luck in such a short amount of time.
however, now that this is over, im back to where i always have been. i cry every nite w/o anyone knowing and i wake up and put a smile on my face. i act like nothings wrong, thinking that im fooling the world. i think that no one can see through me and that my life is coming to an end. but what i didnt know was how much people can see that im still hurting inside so much. i havent decided if that was a good thing or not yet.
which is worse?
*puttin on an act for everyone
*having peole really knwo that your dying inside
most people dont knwo this but i went 2 a psychatrist...i cant spell... this summer. i just couldnt deal with this. my mom, my grandma, my family...pretty much my life. i coudlnt let my friends in as much as i wanted to and the only one that i could let in 100% is gone and part of me feels like our friendship is slowly drowning and all that i can do is watch. i can only ohpe that isnt happening. anywho, i went to this lady and she put me on anti depressants. i stil lhate the idea of taking them. and i didnt want to to begin with but her, being the stupid fuckin bitch that she is, somehow talked me into taking them. so i spent half of my summer making all of these stupid appts. w/some stupid people that i didnt wanan spend any of my time around. pretty much the diagnosed that i was depressed and suicidal. everyone suggested that i stareted taking medication right away. so i took the medicine. i took it...but i didnt take it if that makes any sense. theyre still sitting in my car because im stubbron and selfish and deep down, i still think i can do this on my own. its a hopeless thought cuz i knwo i cant, its just a reason not 2 take them.
i had a long talk w/Andy about this before. he suggested that i take them and gave me a bunch of reason why i should. they all made sense in my head and i wanted to try so hard. mainly for the fact that i know he was concerned and that everyone else was too. so i tried, but i got now where. therye still sittin there, every single pill. and im still sitting here a wreck. everyday i sit here and think how much better would it be if i were dead? ok, maybe not better, but the thought seems easier in my mind. no more pain, no more stupid step mom 2 deal with, no more bills. no more anything. its so easy. just a slit of the wrist and everything would be all over.
but i cant do that. and i wont do that. sure its an easy solution but i WILL NOT put anyone through the pain that im going through right now. i know my friends love me and care about me and hate to see me go through something like this so for me 2 turn the tables and put everyones through this? its somethin i wont do. i believe im selfsih for the situation that im in, but not that selfish. not selfish enough to end my life when i know it would kill others inside. but the thought stays in my mind, each and every day. its constantly there and im constantly thinking about it. i guess the good thing is that even though i think about it everyday, i know i will never act upon it.
so whle reading that last paragraph, you would think that i need serious help right? atleast someone 2 talk to. a therapist maybe? NO! i dont want anyone to talk to. i dotn want anyone to tell me what im thinking. ive been through the therapist thing once before and i wont do it again. e spically with my experience. so i swear, if anyone acts on this and tries 2 get me to talk 2 someone, we will no longer be friends. and i can promise you that right now.
i realized that i need to keep myself busy. if im not busy, i have time to think. and if thers time to think, theres time 2 cry. and if theres time to cry, theres more thoughts of me and my suicide ordeal. this is another reason why i was so into the sorority thing. why not meet new people, stay busy and have fun all at the same time right?? meet some new guys? it seemed perfect. i guess thats also another reason why i was so upset about not gettin in one.
im kidna skipping around my life. shit this is long entry. to much stuff on my mind.
and then theres the Dave situation. yes...everyone knows about him. we are pretty much on the friends thing which im half comfortable with and half not comfortable with. its just something that i hafta accept. its either, run around campus here, feeling sorry for myself that were not together and that he doesnt like me anymore, or get out, meet new pepole and deal with it. i choose #2. we still talk occasionally but i guess im just tryin 2 do my own thing. i miss talking to him and having the converstaions that we use to have. he really is a good friend. i do still like him, nto gonna lie. i guess its just one of those things thats unexplaniable...
ive cut alcohol out of my system for a little while. i dont want it to be something i run to whenever im upset and thats what was happening for a little while. so i drink on my good days, which isnt very often. instead, im the good DD and i shoffer everyone else around. try 2 have some fun while im at it....i guess....
i also got a letter 2 day from my moms old friends. we ended up meeting up w/them again recently. the only thing is that theyre so into the whole God thing, and right now in my life, i dont believe anymore. they keep asking me if im angry with God, and honestly its something that id ont feel like getting into. after everything thats been going on, i have no reason to believe. its all make believe...all made up. however, they sent me 2 day the gospel of John and underlined certain passages in it. also sent me a letter about why i should believe in God and how God loves me and cares about everyone and everythng. i dont hafta believe in anything that i dont want to anymore. im grown up. im an adult. i dont need people telling me fairy tales anymore.....
today has been exactly 3 months. 3 months....why isnt it getting easier yet???