(no subject)
it still feels like a dream. no. a nightmare. the only time im not crying is when i try and convince myself that shes still at the hospital. that shes still getting better. that shes still recovering and having a positive spirit about everything. but shes not.
my mom died on thrusday about about 5 am.
it was such a shock to me. to everyone. it shoudlnt have happened this way. she shouldnt have been this sick. she shouldnt have died the way that she did. it wasnt time. no one knew. everyone thought that she would be fine. that after a certain amount of time in the hospital she would get better. boy were we all wrong. that nite was the worst of my life. watching her there and not being able to do a thing about it. watching her be in pain a suffering and watching all of her friends and family around her crying. crying for her. she hated when we did that. she would always make some sort of joke about it so we would all laugh for a few minutes....
i can still see her face. i can see her smile. i can smell her scent. i can feel her here. at times, i swear 2 god that shes still here. that she didnt really die. that i dont need 2 miss her a lot cuz shes only a 45 min drive away. that i can see her anytime that i want. its all a lie. im broken. i numb. i dont feel anymore and i cant eat w/o being sick. but then i come back to...she wouldnt want to see me this way. so i try and make her happy. i cant deal with this. i cant believe shes gone. i really cant.
i now know why God took my grandma from me. i think it all makes a little more sense now. it was so i could get 2 know my mom better and love her the way that she needed and deserved to be loved. instead of running to my grandma all the time, i could start opening up to my mom instead. start telling her my secrets and my stories. start becoming friends with her like i was with my grandma. for this, i thank God everyday to show me how much of a wonderful person she is. but my question is, why now? why did she hafta die now. its not fair. if i keep losing loved ones like this, ill have nothing 2 come back to. my grandma died a lil over a year ago. my cat on tuesday and now my mom. i dont think i can handle all of this anymore. its not fair. its not fair. its not fair.
i dont think im ready to be an adult yet. i didnt realize how many responsibilities there were to being one. car insurance, phone bills, house bills. now i hfata do all of these things. the things that i didnt think i would hafta do until i turned atleast 23ish. im only 19. 19 fuckin years old. who does this this young?? me. thats who. im not realdy for this responsibility....not yet.
it also doesnt help that she died 8 days before my birthday. right...happy birthday 2 me.
i am not writing this for attention. im not writing this so everyone can tell me how sorry they are. im writing this because there are certain people who need 2 knwo this information that i simply cant bring myself 2 call. now you know....
nite
my mom died on thrusday about about 5 am.
it was such a shock to me. to everyone. it shoudlnt have happened this way. she shouldnt have been this sick. she shouldnt have died the way that she did. it wasnt time. no one knew. everyone thought that she would be fine. that after a certain amount of time in the hospital she would get better. boy were we all wrong. that nite was the worst of my life. watching her there and not being able to do a thing about it. watching her be in pain a suffering and watching all of her friends and family around her crying. crying for her. she hated when we did that. she would always make some sort of joke about it so we would all laugh for a few minutes....
i can still see her face. i can see her smile. i can smell her scent. i can feel her here. at times, i swear 2 god that shes still here. that she didnt really die. that i dont need 2 miss her a lot cuz shes only a 45 min drive away. that i can see her anytime that i want. its all a lie. im broken. i numb. i dont feel anymore and i cant eat w/o being sick. but then i come back to...she wouldnt want to see me this way. so i try and make her happy. i cant deal with this. i cant believe shes gone. i really cant.
i now know why God took my grandma from me. i think it all makes a little more sense now. it was so i could get 2 know my mom better and love her the way that she needed and deserved to be loved. instead of running to my grandma all the time, i could start opening up to my mom instead. start telling her my secrets and my stories. start becoming friends with her like i was with my grandma. for this, i thank God everyday to show me how much of a wonderful person she is. but my question is, why now? why did she hafta die now. its not fair. if i keep losing loved ones like this, ill have nothing 2 come back to. my grandma died a lil over a year ago. my cat on tuesday and now my mom. i dont think i can handle all of this anymore. its not fair. its not fair. its not fair.
i dont think im ready to be an adult yet. i didnt realize how many responsibilities there were to being one. car insurance, phone bills, house bills. now i hfata do all of these things. the things that i didnt think i would hafta do until i turned atleast 23ish. im only 19. 19 fuckin years old. who does this this young?? me. thats who. im not realdy for this responsibility....not yet.
it also doesnt help that she died 8 days before my birthday. right...happy birthday 2 me.
i am not writing this for attention. im not writing this so everyone can tell me how sorry they are. im writing this because there are certain people who need 2 knwo this information that i simply cant bring myself 2 call. now you know....
nite