Pretend I'm Amazing
There's a girl I've known for a long time. I thought she was amazing. I thought, “She knows who she is. She knows what she wants.” I was proud just to know her. She taught me that it's okay to be the person you want to be, no matter who might look at you funny. She could (so I could) say whatever nonsense came to her mind and make people happy to hear it, she could like silly, abstract stuffed animals, watch kid shows, sing along at the top of her lungs with radio. She had the courage to do all this completely unapologetically and without shame.
For all that I want to praise her. I want her to know and understand how fantastic it is that does those things. I want to do this because I'm afraid that no one else will. But the problem is, how? You can't just walk up and say it. You can't pull them aside and spill it all out. The act of verbalizing a compliment like that leaves you stuck in a moment of unease. The complimenter waits for the reaction while the complimented wonders if it is an honest gesture. So, I've never said of this to her.
Instead, I teased her like I do everyone else. I talked to her about mundane things. I tried to share some of what I knew with her so I could say that I taught her something. Maybe so I could pretend that I had a part in making her amazing. I introduced her to my friends. I let them treat her the way they treat everyone with only slight and vague protests when I feared they were getting too aggressive. I never told them how special she was.
Now I'm left to wonder; is it my fault that I feel this way about her now? If I'd done something, said something, not said something, would this all have still happened? Isn't that egotistical of me to believe I played a part in this? Should I instead blame her solely? She didn't know what to expect, she couldn't possibly have dealt with all this, she's far too young and desperate for attention to have fully understood the consequences. All of the rationalizing in the world doesn't make this feeling go away. This twisting feeling, the irritated anger I can't control when I think of what's happening now. I want to make her an innocent victim, but she refuses to be that. And as long as she refuses it, I can't give it to her.
I wanted to be the mentor, but I don't have the patience for it. I'm not so much the protector type and no one would take me seriously if I tried to take the role. I've always been more of the watcher. I should learn to stay that way. Involving myself in these situations never seems to help anyone. Least of all me.
You know who you are and you know what you've done. Own the fuck up because it's too late now to play the didn't-know-better-card.